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Essay for Penn - page 217 of your 300 page autobiography


answers: 8
Sep 28, 2009, 09:14pm   #
Any feedback/comments/criticism is greatly appreciated!
Prompt: Write page 217 of your 300 page autobiography.

"I'll have a Iced White Chocolate Mocha. The name is Boris." I say in my best Russian accent.
"I'll have a Venti Caffe Americano. The name is Wickus." I say in my finest South African accent.
Everytime I go to Starbucks, I order under a different name. I get to take off my shoes and borrow somebody else's in the world for a couple of minutes. The rush of exhilaration causes my heart to pump louder and louder, faster and faster everytime I do it. I feel mischievous that I'm telling a boldfaced lie right to the cashier even though it's just a little, harmless lie. I feel like a little boy who had an extra cookie at lunch. A harmless act but to the boy it feels like the naughtiest thing in the world.
Why do I do it? What's the point? It's fun. It's challenging. You have to change your accent. You have to become another person. You have to embody another culture. All without giving the slightest sign of amusement otherwise your cover will be blown.
On December 12th, 2006 I chose to be Edward Harris, a British lad from Liverpool. I made smalltalk with the cashier about how I was just visiting America for a couple days and that I love to play Cricket with my mates after school.
"Have a nice day!" the cashier said while handing me my Caramel Frappachino.
"Cheers," I replied, with a smirk on my face.

I get to take off my shoes and borrow somebody else's in the world for a couple of minutes.

That line is a bit cliche and awkward. If you definitely want to use this sort of sentence, go with "I get to relax my converse (or whatever shoes you use) and borrow the shoes of someone else in the world for a couple of minutes."
The shoe type tid-bit makes the essay more personal as well.

What's the max length for this?
interesting but i'm not sure if i like what you wrote about or not. it's just.. humorous.. not too personal. I can see that you tried to make it personal by saying how difficult it is and how you get to be someone else but.. not very personal. feel free to disagree though! (:

overall, i like it but i dont like it at the same time..

please read mine! http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/c ommon-app-scar-8050/
Sep 29, 2009, 08:45pm   #
I totally understand where your essay is coming from because when I'm at Starbucks, I do the same thing. The problem that I see with your essay is that when I read it, I didn't really get a sense of who you are and your personality. Anyone could go to Starbucks and do that. It's not a bad essay, but you might want to think about what you're trying to convey about yourself to the admissions officers.
I don't think it matters if it's not too personal. I'm not an expert, but this essay is optional. Penn will have two whole other, formal essays to know you. I feel that this should just be some creative output. You've accomplished that well.
It's a good idea. Keep in mind this is page 217 of your autobio, it's not exactly an essay. You're not going to be telling them about who exactly you are on your 217th page. I mean, it's a nice thought and is clever- definitely humorous and unique. Just think about the prompt.



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