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A Passion to Last A Lifetime -- CommonApp EC Activity


br93 2 / 13  
Oct 14, 2011   #1
Below is the essay I am considering for the "elaborate on an extracurricular activity" portion of the Common Application. While I realize that I did not extensively talk about the activity in itself, I found that it is more meaningful to delineate why the activity being discussed is important to me. However, if anyone feels differently, I would really appreciate comments and feedback! (Also, I need to trim the word count by about 30-40 words...)

For confidentiality purposes, let's call her Patient X. My fascination with Patient X and others like her started with one simple question I received from my grandfather: "How did your baseball team do this summer?" His face beaming with a sort of unrealized foresight, I could never quite manage to conceal the smugness I felt upon telling him that our team won the summer league tournament. Or at least that is the way it was the first time I told him. During that summer, I slowly saw less and less of the grandfather I once knew, as his life ultimately became claimed by Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases. Yet buried beneath the sadness surrounding his illnesses was a seed of curiosity. And from that seed grew a passion and yearning to understand that has not only led to my involvement in a clinical study involving patients suffering from neurological diseases, but has also given me the chance to meet some truly courageous and inspiring people in the process: people just like my grandfather. Together, Patient X and my grandfather have fostered a passion that I am sure will last a lifetime.
teoth5 2 / 4  
Oct 15, 2011   #2
The essay definitely shows your passion for clinical study of patients with neurological conditions, but the inclusion of Patient X distracts the reader from your experience with your grandfather. By focusing only on your grandfather the essay may seem more personal and concise, possibly shortening the word count. Some phrases also sound a little wordy and pretentious to me (ex. sort of unrealized foresight, seed of curiosity, fostered a passion) and that may irritate the essay reader in admissions, so simpler diction and syntax may actually be more impressive and understandable. The seed of curiosity growing into your passion sounds to me like a cliché, but if you have faith that this metaphor will get your point across than feel free to include it. Overall this essay is well-written, but needs the voice of a well-rounded high schooler, because it currently sounds a little too coached.
sm9453 2 / 4  
Oct 15, 2011   #3
I agree with above - I don't see the point in including the bit about Patient X since this doesnt really have as much importance in your response. What I got out of the essay written was a short description of a something of personal importance between you and your grandfather, and the inclusion of Patient X makes it a bit confusing.

His face beamed with a sort of unrealized foresight, and I could never quite manage to conceal the smugness I felt upon telling him that our team won the summer league tournament. (just a suggestion - it sounded just a little awk at first)

During that summer, I slowly saw less and less of the grandfather I once knew as his life ultimately became claimed by Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases. (you dont need a comma there)

Yet buried beneath the sadness surrounding his illnesses was a seed of curiosity. From that seed grew a passion and yearning to understand that has not only led to my involvement in a clinical study involving patients suffering from neurological diseases but has also given me the chance to meet some truly courageous and inspiring people in the process - people just like my grandfather. Together, Patient X and my grandfather have fostered a passion that I am sure will last a lifetime.

This was a very good essay nevertheless! You convey your message effectively. Good luck with the application process :)


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