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"a passion for accounting" - UCONN - Transfer Essay


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"Please include a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals and an explanation of reasons for leaving your present/most recently attended college, and for wanting to attend the University of Connecticut. If your educational attendance has not been continuous, your essay must include information about your activities during those times not spent in school."

Here is my first quick draft, is this what the school wants to hear from me? I have a 3.5GPA and have attended two different community colleges. Thank you guys for your time.

With the upcoming completion of my associates degree a few months away, I have taken the past two years to plan out the best accessible options to pursue my bachelors degree in the business field. I have worked extremely hard these past few semesters to obtain excellent grades, especially those in my accounting and degree pre-requisites courses to gain as much knowledge as possible and to prepare for the transfer to an institution such as the University of Connecticut.
Since high school, I have always excelled and had a passion for accounting. My father, a partner at Deloitte, has passed down his personal experiences in the field and has really enlightened my interest in the business world. Though, I would like to make it clear that I am not here to simply follow my father's footsteps. I am here to prove a point and make a name for myself. My dreams are bigger than the average student. My bar is set higher than the average student. Alongside my pursuing knowledge of business, I have started several internet based websites over the past few years and hope to become a very successful player in the growing social network and web 2.0 applications markets. I am out to become an influential and highly successful young entrepreneur. There are no limits to personal success, and I am out to prove that anything in this world is possible with the proper education, dedication, and persistence.
My academic goals are clear through the knowledge available at UCONN. Keeping up with the fields ever advancing technology, UCONN can offer me the advanced real world training that I would need to succeed as an accountant. My main academic goal is to leave UCONN with a master's degree and begin preparation for the CPA exam as early as possible. Alongside the leading current practices and advanced technology, I am very intrigued by the internship programs that are possible through this program. With the networking capabilities and doors UCONN has to open for me, there is nowhere for me to go but up and I will not rest until I have excelled my expectations.

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Dec 21, 2009, 07:01pm   #
No, it's not bad!
The idea is great, how you wish to exceed, you sound very ambitious.

Okay, some of your sentences are informal. I think you should add some vocabulary words here and there.

Few months away,
(You mean "few months ago")

Though, I would like to make it clear that I am not here to simply follow my father's footsteps. I am here to prove a point and make a name for myself.
This sentence is informal. Don't directly state that you're trying to prove or state something. I thin you can even delete the part of how you do not want to follow your father's steps. That is unnecessary info.)

Do not directly state that you are trying to prove a point, you want to persuade people about your attributes without actually saying it.

Your essay, mentions attributes of yourself, but you do not relate how the university can fulfill that, the question is asking why you wish to attend this school. Try to connect characteristics from the school that can achieve your goals.
What is it from UCONN, that can fulfill your dreams?

The only thing you mention from the school is this
"CONN can offer me the advanced real world training that I would need to succeed as an accountant."
That's not enough.

In addition, do not always repeat that you did well, your ambitious, etc etc
Because you want to persuade them not show off.

It's a well-written first draft. You have very few grammatical errors, so that's good.

Well, GOOD LUCK!
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I have started several internet based websites over the past few years and hope...

...and I will not rest until I have excelled exceeded? my expectations.

I have worked extremely hard these past few semesters to obtain excellent grades --- > I think this part is unnatural in the use of the word "obtain," and maybe the word "extremely" detracts from it, too. Maybe this part is better if you just state it simply...



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