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My parents taught me hardworking, prioritizing, tolerance, and patience - my world


Hello everyone.

Can anybody read my personal statement and give feedback? Any help is appreciated!

Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I've always believed that the environment is what determines a person's personalities and qualities, both good and bad. By using the word "environment", I don't mean the place where the person lives. Contrarily, the environment which shapes a person is made up of words and behaviors from people around him. In Ghana, we have an old saying that summarizes this concept - "one who stays near vermilion gets stained red, and one who stays near ink gets stained black".

I consider myself one of the "lucky" ones because I've always been able to stay near good vermilion, my parents. Even though my mother used to get angry with me very often, but she always did it for my good. Whenever I watched TV or read comic books without completing my homework, my mother would tell me to do my homework first then do other things. I obeyed most of the time, but sometimes I rebelled and she would get mad and make me obey anyway. Slowly, I rebelled less and the thought of prioritizing became a natural part of me. I would finish what's most important first without anyone telling me to do so.

My father also had a great impact on me. He is one of the most hardworking people I've ever met. Back in Ghana, when he was young and ambitious, he was ready to establish his own road of success. However, all of a sudden, he was assigned to work at a small village just because he didn't have any relations with those who had power. Despite all this bad news, he was determined, from the first day he arrived at the village, to climb out of that hellhole. He did indeed, and even higher than people who had a head start, into the land of America. Now that he has given me a head start than many people, to be able to get educated in this great country, I wouldn't waste it. I would use this opportunity as a stepping stone to reach places that my father never reached and altitudes where only a few can get to.

School also played a big part as one aspect of my environment. One thing I noticed about Ghanian kids including me is that they are mostly shy but academically superior. In my opinion, Ghanian schools are only capable of producing intelligent cowards. I am a victim of that flawed school system myself. I used to be a very shy person, who gets nervous just by talking to strangers. To be honest, sometimes I still have that problem, but it's a lot better now thanks to my new schools here in America. Since the first day I arrived here, I've changed, a lot. Back when I was studying in Ghana, my teachers wanted nothing from you but good grades and good grades. That sure shaped me into an excellent student who always gets A's, but it also prevented me from obtaining any other qualities, such as confidence, creativity, and optimism. I hated school. Luckily, I was able to study in a new and better environment which encourages all of the above plus many more. Here in America, we have presentations, projects, and interactive activities, things that are unimaginable to a Ghanian student. I still remember how hard my hands were shaking when I was presenting my first project back in middle school, but now I do it with ease and sometimes I even make jokes while doing it. I am now more confident than ever and enjoying my senior year at my high school.

My world shaped me into who I am now and what I might become. My parents taught me hardworking, prioritizing, tolerance, and patience. Besides knowledge and skills, my schools taught me confidence, team spirit, creativeness, and friendliness. With the help of these qualities that I now possess, I will continue to pursue my dream and down the career pathway linking me and who I want to be.

Good afternoon :)

I have a few comments about both pieces in general.

First, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Second, when using quotation marks make sure that your punctuation is always inside of them. For instance, in the first essay you write "environment", and it should be "environment,". Also, when using quotation marks, make sure the first word of the sentence inside of them is capitalized, as it is the first word of a new sentence. For instance, you write "one who stays..." in the first piece, and it should be "One who stays..." Read through your sentences carefully and make sure that you have all of the words to make them flow and be structurally sound. For instance, in the second piece you write "...has made me the technician around." Did you mean to put an adjective in that sentence?

In regards to content, you give good examples of your world and describe well how it has influenced you as a person. The content is a good answer to the prompt.

In regards to the content of the second piece, you use another good example to answer the prompt. It flows well and the overall organization is good.

I hope this helps you along.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
woooooooooow, how do you write an essay so detailed and simple!

UC QUESTION 1:Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
____________________________________________________________ _
-My dad being in and out due to his job of being in the navy
-My mom being Japanese not really knowing a lot
-Being an only child

All of that motivated me to work hard
-make close friends bc I didn't have any siblings at home
-High school->became involved by joining asb being the head leader of activities and
assemblies and also finally finding a hobby which is hip hop dance

HOW CAN I PUT ALL THIS TOGETHERRRRRRR? My structure! I'm so analytcal that I tend to get writers block


Helppppppppp!
Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin with a rough outline, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?
List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.
Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.
I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
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