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My parents taught me hardworking, prioritizing, tolerance, and patience - my world


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Hello everyone.

Can anybody read my personal statement and give feedback? Any help is appreciated!

Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.



I've always believed that the environment is what determines a person's personalities and qualities, both good and bad. By using the word "environment", I don't mean the place where the person lives. Contrarily, the environment which shapes a person is made up of words and behaviors from people around him. In China, we have an old saying that summarizes this concept "one who stays near vermilion gets stained red, and one who stays near ink gets stained black".

I consider myself one of the "lucky" ones because I've always been able to stay near good vermilion, my parents. Even though my mother used to get angry with me very often, but she always did it for my good. Whenever I watched TV or read comic books without completing my homework, my mother would tell me to do my homework first then do other things. I obeyed most of the time, but sometimes I rebelled and she would get mad and make me obey anyway. Slowly, I rebelled less and the thought of prioritizing became a natural part of me. I would finish what's most important first without anyone telling me to do so.

My father also had a great impact on me. He is one of the most hardworking people I've ever met. Back in China, when he was young and ambitious, he was ready to establish his own road of success. However, all of a sudden, he was assigned to work at a small village just because he didn't have any relations with those who had power. Despite all this bad news, he was determined, from the first day he arrived at the village, to climb out of that hellhole. He did indeed, and even higher than people who had a head start, into the land of America. Now that he has given me a head start than many people, to be able to get educated in this great country, I wouldn't waste it. I would use this opportunity as a stepping stone to reach places that my father never reached and altitudes where only a few can get to.

School also played a big part as one aspect of my environment. One thing I noticed about Chinese kids including me is that they are mostly shy but academically superior. In my opinion, Chinese schools are only capable of producing intelligent cowards. I am a victim of that flawed school system myself. I used to be a very shy person, who gets nervous just by talking to strangers. To be honest, sometimes I still have that problem, but it's a lot better now thanks to my new schools here in America. Since the first day I arrived here, I've changed, a lot. Back when I was studying in China, my teachers wanted nothing from you but good grades and good grades. That sure shaped me into an excellent student who always gets A's, but it also prevented me from obtaining any other qualities, such as confidence, creativity, and optimism. I hated school. Luckily, I was able to study in a new and better environment which encourages all of the above plus many more. Here in America, we have presentations, projects, and interactive activities, things that are unimaginable to a Chinese student. I still remember how hard my hands were shaking when I was presenting my first project back in middle school, but now I do it with ease and sometimes I even make jokes while doing it. I am now more confident than ever and enjoying my senior year at my high school.

My world shaped me into who I am now and what I might become. My parents taught me hardworking, prioritizing, tolerance, and patience. Besides knowledge and skills, my schools taught me confidence, team spirit, creativeness, and friendliness. With the help of these qualities that I now possess, I will continue to pursue my dream and down the career pathway linking me and who I want to be.

Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? *



Among all of my qualities and talents, the most important one to me is my ability to understand things very quickly. About two years ago, I was able to get an electric guitar. I didn't have a teacher so I had to learn on my own by watching videos on the internet. Right now, I can play fairly well and my mom says that she's glad that her three-hundred dollars weren't wasted. I am also very good with computers because of this talent. There are tons of things I can explore inside that little machine and as I dig deeper and deeper, it only gets more interesting. I've taken a computer programming class during my junior year and loved every minute of it, coding programs, making websites, and crating games.

Just not long ago, my father started his own freight business. He needed a database-type of software that could store customer data and show the data in on pre-made templates to be printed out. He called several software companies and they all asked for high prices. Then I told my father, "You know what, dad? I'm going to make it for you." I did some research on database and started my project. I created around 10 different templates in the software Access, in which data can be inputted and edited directly on the template. My father was totally satisfied and to make things even better, I gave him technical support 24/7. I am very proud of my work and how it saved my father at least $1000.

Being able to understand things quickly has made me the technician around. Whenever my friends had problems with their computers, the first one they called would always be me. Most of the time, I solved their problems or else gave them suggestions. My parents too, they always asked for me when they had difficulties with anything technical. To me, a solution could be as simple as pushing a button, but it seemed so hard to them. Even though it does get troublesome because of so many requests, but I always felt happy when helping out others, and I am thankful that I have the ability to do so.
Good afternoon :)

I have a few comments about both pieces in general.

First, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Second, when using quotation marks make sure that your punctuation is always inside of them. For instance, in the first essay you write "environment", and it should be "environment,". Also, when using quotation marks, make sure the first word of the sentence inside of them is capitalized, as it is the first word of a new sentence. For instance, you write "one who stays..." in the first piece, and it should be "One who stays..." Read through your sentences carefully and make sure that you have all of the words to make them flow and be structurally sound. For instance, in the second piece you write "...has made me the technician around." Did you mean to put an adjective in that sentence?

In regards to content, you give good examples of your world and describe well how it has influenced you as a person. The content is a good answer to the prompt.

In regards to the content of the second piece, you use another good example to answer the prompt. It flows well and the overall organization is good.

I hope this helps you along.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
woooooooooow, how do you write an essay so detailed and simple!

UC QUESTION 1:Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
____________________________________________________________ _
-My dad being in and out due to his job of being in the navy
-My mom being Japanese not really knowing a lot
-Being an only child

All of that motivated me to work hard
-make close friends bc I didn't have any siblings at home
-High school->became involved by joining asb being the head leader of activities and
assemblies and also finally finding a hobby which is hip hop dance

HOW CAN I PUT ALL THIS TOGETHERRRRRRR? My structure! I'm so analytcal that I tend to get writers block


Helppppppppp!
Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin with a rough outline, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?
List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.
Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.
I hope this helps you get started.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
thank you! i was able to write mine tell me what you think please!

Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

An African American Lieutenant Commander, a hardworking Japanese citizen, and a life that sometimes felt lonely without siblings, were my daily surroundings. My father was always in and out of the house and my mother, who came from a strict Japanese background, was unable to properly understand English. Consequently, I had to grow up dealing with situations on my own. This motivated me to become a strong, self-reliant individual upon entering high school.

Unlike most military families, my mother and I didn't move wherever my father was stationed. As a child, this was a difficult situation to bear. At times I needed assistance with homework or explanations on school information, which was something my mother had difficulty with. Despite my father's absence, he made a great effort to stay in touch. He provided me with great advice, and encouraged me to focus on my studies and take care of my mother. However, due to my father's absence, I considered my mother a single parent. She worked 40 hours a week and dedicated the rest of her time to Buddhist meetings. As an only child, my mother was very protective and she forced me to go wherever she went. The time and interaction spent with my mother made me reliant on her affection, which made entering high school, a difficult transition.

I entered high school as a nervous student but I knew that I had to grow up and start being independent. To overcome this obstacle, I began engaging in many activities. As a result I met new people and gained skills that have and will continue to assist me in the future. I took advanced placement classes to challenge myself. To my surprise, I took on more responsibility than I could have imagined. I joined Link Crew, which is an organization that helps orient freshmen into the high school setting. This was a very personal decision because I understood the difficulties of entering a new learning environment. I also joined a hip-hop dance club called Kinections, which I quickly came to love. As a child I was very shy and felt embarrassed whenever I involved myself in a hobby. Kinections helped me realize my ability to excel in something. Therefore I joined a professional youth dance team called Future Shock San Diego. This allowed me to become an aspiring dancer and performer, and it gave me the best training and tools needed to become the best dancer that I can be. As high school continued, I noticed many other opportunities that I could participate in and further prove my growth as an individual. I joined ASB my junior and senior year. ASB members serve as the whole student body by demonstrating hard work and positive attitude needed in order to bring their high school to its fullest potential. I was fortunate to be offered the position of being the leader of the activities and assemblies in my senior year where I learned the importance of leadership, motivation, initiative, communication, and teamwork.

I sometimes considered the absence of my dad and my mother's inability to help me, as a disappointment. But I realized that their challenges have made me stronger. As I reflect on these past experiences, my parents have shaped my dreams and aspirations. My dream is to pursue a career in helping teens overcome their personal problems by giving them guidance and telling them my story to inspire them knowing that they too can go through high school with many achievements.
Good evening :)

I have edited the first two sections of your piece and included some general suggestions as well:

"An African American Lieutenant Commander, a hardworking Japanese citizen, and a life that sometimes felt lonely without siblings (Remove comma) were my daily surroundings. My father was always in and out of the house and my mother, who came from a strict Japanese background, was unable to properly understand English. Consequently, I had to grow up dealing with situations on my own. This motivated me to become a strong, self-reliant individual upon entering high school.

Unlike most military families, my mother and I didn't Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; this should be "did not." move wherever my father was stationed. As a child, this was a difficult situation to bear. At times I needed assistance with homework or explanations on school information, which was something my mother had difficulty with. Despite my father's absence, he made a great effort to stay in touch. He provided me with great advice, and encouraged me to focus on my studies and take care of my mother. However, due to my father's absence, I considered my mother a single parent. She worked 40 hours a week and dedicated the rest of her time to Buddhist meetings. As an only child, my mother was very protective and she forced me to go wherever she went. The time and interaction spent with my mother made me reliant on her affection, which made entering high school (Remove comma) a difficult transition."

Using my comments and corrections above, carefully check through the rest of your piece and look for other instances that should be corrected.

In regards to content, I think this is an excellent answer to the prompt. Very nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



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