Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. (min 250 words)
November fifteenth, it was a day after my birthday. I was going to North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics and was puffed up with pride and arrogance. I thought I had everything I needed. I was back from home and unpacking my laundry. Then I see my wallet puffed up with something. 'It might be something from my mom and dad,' I thought. I opened it up and I see a well folded paper with two twenty dollar bills. It has been a long time since I have received letter from my parents; my father is a janitor at four different buildings all day and my mother is a barber. Sudden swelling of my mother's arms brought us news that my mother has diabetes. Since then, she had to wait extra hours to wait for customers to come.
While I was putting two twenty dollar bills in my pocket, I unfolded the letter. By the time I finished six-sentences-long letter, my face was smeared with tears. The letter reads, "Our beloved son! Happy Birthday! We are very proud of you. Keep up with good work and we are praying for you well-being in school and your future. God is always with you and watching over you. Be courageous and be confident. Good luck! -Mom and Dad"
I have been decrying my parents whenever they tried to speak English and I never respected them. I worked hard to learn as much English as possible to earn respects from peers. But when I read this letter, I realized my parents were still loving me and thinking of me even though I have treated them disapprovingly and disrespectfully. I then realized something: all my accomplishments and attending the best school in North Carolina were not important, but realizing love of my parents is what makes us complete.
Here is another one (very short essay)
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
Starting this summer, I had a chance to work on Stem Cell Engineering under Dr.Ching-Chang Ko from University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill. I have been reading published articles on MSCs (Mesenchymal Stem Cells) and other informative articles on how to culture the cells, and information on cells' properties, structures, behaviors, and other characteristics. I will have next 26 more weeks to work on my research with Dr.Ko as my mentor. My original topic is to make predetermined stem cells that will grow calcitriol, form of Vitamin D, when planted in the bones. This cell might help those with osteoporosis and increase the absorbency of calcium. I am working towards my goal step by step, learning as much as I can to help people.
May Jesus Bless those who spent their time to help me! :)
"Sudden swelling of my mother's arms brought us news that my mother has diabetes. Since then, she had to wait extra hours to wait for customers to come. "
Did you mean to say "suddenly"? Also, change the second sentence to "Since then, she had to wait extra hours for customers to come." It reduces wordiness.
"I then realized something: all my accomplishments and attending the best school in North Carolina were not important, but realizing love of my parents is what makes us complete."
I wouldn't say that all your accomplishments at NCSSM aren't important, because they are. I would say that although you have accomplished so much at NCSSM, it made you feel like something had not yet been fulfilled, like some task was still incomplete. "but realizing love of my parents is what makes us complete" change this to "but realizing the love of my parents made me complete" because you're talking about how that affected you.
Good luck with your essay!
November fifteenth, (This part is an unnecessary, distracting detail. On the day after my eighteenth birthday, I returned to North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics, and I was puffed up with pride and arrogance. --- this is how I would write this sentence.
These are both excellent, though. I really like this simple and humble yet assertive ending: I am working towards my goal step by step, learning as much as I can to help people.
