This is my personal statement for college. I am a high school senior and I'm terrified of writing essays. Please take a look at what I've written, it's my first time using this site.
Sitting quietly on the ledge my grandparents's porch I stared out onto the Palestinian street. The inky black sky seemed even darker here than it did in Ohio. My parents and other family members joined me on the porch.
My father pulled out a couple of chairs for my mother and himself. He plopped himself in one and waited for my mom to sit down. Quietly, my dad thumbed through half of the photos and stopped at one small photo.
"This one was on our wedding day," he whispers. Looking over his shoulder I looked at the tiny picture. My mom was seated on a chair dressed in terrifyingly overwhelming white dress. She looked so washed out and scared, her makeup slightly shiny from her sweat. It was a typical wedding photo, except for one major detail. My mom was only 15.
Now as I remember that small photo, the anxious look my mom had on her baby-face angers me. She was much too young to even consider marriage. Then it hits me...marriage was the only safe option. In some families it still is considered to be the only option. Ever since I saw that photo, I've wanted other girls to realize that even though marriage seems like the only option it really isn't.
My mother has taught me that life is not definite and I decide my future. I want to become a role-model to other Arab girls just like she has been a role model to me. When people meet a Muslim girl who wears the hijab, people tend to think that they are docile and oppressed. In reality it's the exact opposite. I don't want to get married; I want to be able to work and provide for my family. It's important for other Muslim girls like myself to realize that we are independent and intelligent people. In the ninth grade I won Best Oralist during a Moot Court competition. When my family and I were preparing to leave, a woman had stopped us, asking to take a photo. While I stood next to her daughters preparing to take a picture, I hid my trophy behind my back. The woman stared at me.
"What are you doing? Stop. Be proud of what you just accomplished!" she smiled gently. We took the photo and quietly walked away. As I moved towards the door I heard her whisper, "I'm so proud of her! She, a girl with a headscarf,won Best Oralist and did better than my own children." When I heard this I began to blush, she was proud of what I did! She was proud because I showed every single person who sat in the courtroom that a Muslim girl with a hijab, can and will achieve more than what is perceived.
Ever since that moment, I've made it my goal to show that Muslim girls are more than just underdogs and that they have the option to go to college. I will show those who doubt me that being a Muslim girl isn't a hindrance; it is something to be proud of. A person has more than just one option. Not only will I be a first generation college student, I will become the first female biomedical engineer from my village. I need an education; without it I will ultimately will get married. When I had first taken my ACT I had gotten a 25. My mother and father told me that if I don't receive a better score my future will be centered around a husband and kids.
I still have that small photograph with my mother's nervous face; it serves as a reminder. That little photo reminds me of where I've come from. That little photo helped me realize that more than one option exists, and it's ultimately up to me to find that other option. And for me, education is my option.
The first thing that I need to ask you for is the personal essay prompt from the university you are applying to. Without that information, it will be hard to tell if you have written the essay in a satisfactory manner that answers the prompt. Don't try to write a generalized essay for your personal application because it will vary in content based upon the university you apply to. You need a definite prompt for college essay applications. I hope you can provide it so that we can properly comment on the content of your paper.
Since I prefer to wait on the prompt for your essay before I correct any grammar issues, I will just give you a simple review of your paper. The strength of your paper lies in the fact that it draws upon a personal experience and a realization, a learning, that most women your age would not learn about in the Western world. Such lofty ambitions on your part should be admired and encouraged because of the world that your parents came from.
Now the part about your winning the competition, somehow, it makes me sense that you feel hindered in a way by your own culture and traditions? I might be wrong because I know that you are proud to be who you are. Perhaps there would be a better way of restating that portion. Of course it will all depend upon the prompt that you provide us with.
Basically, there are a number of important points that can be adjusted within your essay. Like I said, we need to know what your prompt is in order to properly advise you. So I will leave my comments here for now. Get the prompt to us and we will help you polish your statement :-)
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
This is the prompt. With the part about the competition I was trying to say that winning the competition was something that shocked other people to the point where they took photos. I hid the trophy because I didn't want to take the picture showing off the trophy.
Thank you for editing my paper by the way! I'm really grateful for this site!
- This is not a very good opening statement. In fact, there are only a few portions of this paragraph that you can use in your essay. I would suggest that you open with the second paragraph instead. That has a stronger hook that will interest the readers in what you have to say. The admission officer is not interested in the story of your mother's wedding day unless it immediately relates to you as a person.
- My mother, a child bride at the age of 15, taught me that unlike her, I have options for my future. I decide what my future will be. I should be proud of my accomplishments and never let anything hold me back. Not even racial prejudice. This is something that I proved to myself during my 9th grade Moot Court Competition. When I won and had an amazed woman approach me, asking to have her picture taken with me. As I did not want to seem to be a show-off , I tried to hide my trophy in the picture...
Now you can tell the story of your mother's wedding day and close with the picture that you hold so dear to your heart :-) Don't forget to thank your parents for moving to the U.S. and thus allowing you to have options that you would not have had in the old country. Try my suggestions so we can see if the essay will flow better. Expect to polish the paper some more as we go along :-)
My personal statement isn't really about overcoming racial prejudice it's about how some Arab Muslim young women tend to believe that marriage is their only option. Are you suggesting I take out the part where I described the photo? I do agree with you that I need to take out the original opening statement. After re-reading I realized that it is kind of dull :-) but I'm not too sure about how to execute it.
Thanks!
Iya B.
Here is an idea, rather than going into great detail about your mother's wedding, why not discuss a comparison instead? That way you can show how Arab women feel that they have only one option in life, that is to marry, as opposed to you, a young Arab woman who has her life and life choices ahead of her? Then you can talk about how you plan to be a role model to the young women in your village, etc. This will strengthen your position about how lucky you are to have choices in life. It will also give you an opportunity to discuss how your mother feels that you should always take advantage of the opportunities coming your way. Relate it to the way that she had limited opportunities to prove herself as a woman and how now, she takes pride in you, the modern Arab woman whom she raised to be independent and strong willed. As for the photo, yes, I am suggesting that you completely take it out and use only the parts that somehow relate to the story you are trying to tell in the essay. Remember, an effective essay knows how to deliver its message in as few paragraphs as possible.
