"to obtain a degree in engineering" - my City College (CUNY) supplement

Good Afternoon everyone, I need help editing my supplement for City College. Please help me. Thank you very much!

Explain why you have chosen to obtain a degree in engineering. Discuss any experiences you may have had and/or people you have known who influenced your decision. (150-250 words)

I have chosen to pursue a degree in engineering because I want to continue to build my knowledge of computers. It all started eight years ago, when my father brought home a computer. I did not know how to use it so I used to do anything possible to mess up it up. Slowly, I began learning from my small mistakes and I started to help other people with their computer issues. My friends and family often ask me how I learned so much about computers and I tell them that no one has taught me and that I learned on my own. Once I obtain a degree in engineering, I can one day work for one of the best companies in the world. I would never stop learning because one learns everyday. My fervor and the compliments of my friends and family inspire me to pursue my career as a computer engineer.

I think it would be more powerful to begin with your second sentence rather than the one you have now which restates the question. Also, I was a bit confused by your third sentence. How did messing up your computer help you learn from it? You say you learned from mistakes, but from the sentence before it seems as though you did things on purpose.

The "friends and family" sentence seems to run on a bit too much. I would get rid of the "that's" too.

The "I would never stop learning" line seems random though I know what you are getting at, so I might try changing that to connect with the essay a bit more.

"My fervor" sounds strange. I would say "My passion for computers" instead.

Hope this helps!!

Thank you so much! You have been a great help!

I have chosen to pursue a degree in engineering because I want to continue to build my knowledge of computers. too obvious!

It all started eight years ago, when my father brought home a computer. I did not know how to use it, so instead I did everything possible to mess up it up. Slowly, I began learning from my small mistakes, a nd I started to help other people with their computer issues. My friends and family often asked me how I learned so much about...

This is looking good, but now you should read some articles about the areas of comp. science that really interest you, and mention some specific kinds of work you would like to do.

:-)