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'Observing my mom's hard work and dedication' - Impactful person ADMISSIONS


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I am working on my college admissions essay - any help would be greatly appreciated - i have always struggled with writing and know that constructive criticism is very helpuful - see included topic questions and essay
TOPIC - "TELL US ABOUT SOMEONE WHO HAS MADE AN IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE AND EXPLAIN HOW AND WHY THIS PERSON IS IMPORTANT TO YOU"

When I was ten years old and in the fourth grade, we had a career day at our school. We were encouraged by our teacher, to have our parent come to school and discuss with the class what their job entailed. I remember my classmates were extremely excited about having their mom or dad come to the class and tell us what they did on their job. I was so nervous, when it came my turn to tell the class, I stuttered and said "I was not sure". My teacher scolded me and said that was not an acceptable answer. I quietly said "I guess my mom will come". Later that day my teacher called me out into the hall and asked me why I was uncomfortable about having my mom speak to my classmates about my her job. Of course being the scared fourth grader, I did not tell the teacher why I was apprehensive about my mom discussing her job. When I got home from school that day, my teacher had already called my mom and told her all about career day. The teacher had also mentioned to my mom, the odd reaction I had in class. I could tell my mom was disappointed in how I had expressed a negative reaction in having her come to my class for career day. At dinner that night my mother finally built up the courage to ask me why I did not like the idea of her coming to speak to my class about her job. I could not give her an answer.
Both my parents have the same profession; they are Special Agents with the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA). Due to the nature of their work, my parents are hesitated to discuss their jobs and with others they are evasive regarding their employment. Most children in the fourth grade would think it was "cool" to have a parent, who was sort like a "secret agent", however, when I was in the fourth grade, I did not think it was "cool", to me it wasn't "normal". At ten years old, I did not understand why my mother could not have a "normal" job. My mother was sort of like a police officer, but she did not wear a police uniform. My mom would sometimes get home late at night, leave early in the morning and be gone for several days. When I asked my mom why she wasn't home with me, she would explain that her job at an emergency and she would try to get home earlier. I had not been able to really understand why it had to be my mom. I did not understand the responsibilities and duties of my mom's job as a Special Agent. I realize now that in the fourth grade, I was too young for my mother to explain in any great detail what her job actually involved. As I had anticipated the career day in my "fourth grade" mind was a disaster. The parents of my classmates explained about their jobs and even brought little souvenirs from the job. I thought why didn't my mom have a "normal" job; one where I could brag to everyone. For several years, things remained the same regarding how I explained to others what my mom did for work. When I was with my classmates, I continued to feel left out because I could not "brag" about my mom's job. Other kids would talk about how they were proud of their parents did for work. When I was required to fill out information and discuss my mother's employment, I would be vague and say my mom worked for the government. It concerned me that people would think I did not know or did not care about my mom and what work she did, because I did not talk about her job.
As I got older and more mature, my mom started explaining in greater detail what she actually did as a Special Agent. This helps me understand why when I was younger my mom had been evasive with me regarding her job. My mom shared with me her role in some interesting investigations. On my own I did some research on what it took to be a Special Agent. The qualifications to become a Special Agent were enormous, not to mention the risks and dangers, involved with job. Knowing the details of what my mom's job involved, actually made me a little scared and nervous for my mom's safety. I reflect back on how I had been embarrassed in the fourth grade that my mom did not have a "normal" job. I am able to realize now, that my mother had been trying to protect me, by not letting me know that her job could be so risky and dangerous. My mom got home from work late one night, I gave her a big hug and kiss; it caught her by surprise and she asked, "What was that for?" I told my mom I was proud that she was my mother. Observing my mom's hard work and dedication to her family and career and seeing her accomplishments, has had a positive impacted on my life. From my mom I have developed a desire to be the best I can be and learned that "normal" is only in the eyes of the beholder. I am learning that I have the ability to be a strong and independent person. I am learning that just because it may not seem "ordinary" and it could be difficult, does not mean you should not make every effort to succeed with your goals. I will always be grateful for my mom's love and guidance.

These are just a few grammatical things I found. Be sure to use spelling/grammar check! :)

We were encouraged by our teacher, to have our parent come to school -- you don't need a comma here.

Due to the nature of their work, my parents are hesitant to discuss their jobs

she would explain that her job at an emergency and -- this needs to be edited. I'm not really sure what you were trying to say exactly.

I know that this is an essay about an impactful person, but it is a college essay and the focus needs to be on you. I think you need to talk a little more about how your mother and her job changed your views or character. Right now, the focus seems to simply be your reaction to her job in the 4th grade. You should explain a little more about what your mother's job is and what she does at one point in your essay, and then describe how it has affected you.

Another thing I would say is that your writing in general has some really great word choice, but you seem to write things as a stream of thoughts or facts. Try to write a little more action-oriented; it keeps people interested. I would also really work on your introduction. The introduction is the most important part because it's the first thing people will read, and if it doesn't capture their attention they won't want to read it.

Good luck! :)



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