Notre Dame Essay: A good story starts with a good beginning. Get us hooked on the first 150 words.
In the stretching longevity before birth and after death, I am omniscient. We all are. Unfortunately, in the brief window of time between, hereafter refereed to as "life", we are terribly, terribly clueless. A shame, really, to transition from pansophical beings to utterly normal ones and then back again; to be only be truly alive in the terse moment which we cannot hear the future and taste the past. A shame, yes, but also a necessary evil. For we are undeniably bland creatures, but would create an infinitely more mundane world if we were to remain omniscient during life. I, a boring teenage girl from Queens, become aware of this in the brief moments before my death, in the seemingly minute amount of time during which I can see the washing machine flying out the sixth floor window of the building from which I have just received the First Delivery.
And suddenly, I am awake.
I am awake because I am finally dead.
Is this an essay for a scholarship or to gain entrance into the college? I'm unsure what this essay is for, but I feel that if you explain who you are this maybe more eye-catching. When you stated where you live in this essay, my first thought was to discuss what your accomplishments are because you seem like a good writer. Your word choice shows you are a very engaging writer, but it is a melancholy description. I wouldn't describe you as "boring", after this writing. My suggestion is to try to hook the reader in a way that will express what type of student you will be and the contribution you will make to the university.
-A shame, really, to transition from pansophical I'm not sure what you'd like to say but I'm guessing you want to take on a word
synonym to "bizarre" ) beings to utterly normal ones and then back again;
Odall, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum!!! It's always amazing to have a new member of our ever-growing family.
Well, let's tackle your essay, honestly, I'm just overwhelmed with your word choice, I understand that the "Notre Dame", is such a very good piece of
writing, with the best words you could ever imagine, what's separating it from your essay is, "Notre Dame" was written as a novel, and yours is an
essay that has the novel as a subject.
What you did here was, you tried to re-write the novel the way you understand it and I must say, it's not working pretty good.
The essay is asking for eye-catching words but that doesn't mean that you put in words that nobody understand or somebody like me that needs to look up every single word that you have in a sentence.
So, overall, I'm suggesting a total revision.
Keep writing
Cheers!!!
