'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements

Hello there. I am new to Essay Forum and have been lurking , reading essays and giving critiques. I have a couple of supplement essays and I would love any form of critique of them. All opinions are welcome, harsh, moderate - I can take criticism. Also grammar help would be greatly appreciated. Here goes, these are my supplements for Lafayette College and Lehigh College respectively.

1. In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life. [1250 characters]

Grade ten marked the beginning of a new academic chapter as I was finally able to choose the subjects that I wanted to study. I soon realized that despite my tiny deliberation on the matter, I had chosen erroneously and had suffered the consequences of my rash decision. Subsequently, when it came to choosing subjects in grade twelve, I was profusely tentative. This time, I solicited the opinions of students who had already completed their first year of sixth form and could thoroughly advise me based on their experience. I was told that math is the hardest subject at the CAPE proficiency level and that failure is inevitable. When I heard this I was completely disheartened since maths is my favourite subject and I did not want a repeat of what happened the last time. Not one to shy away from challenges however, I decided to go for it. My risk paid off astronomically, as I am one of the few persons who, without taking extra classes managed to obtain a grade one (distinction) in CAPE Mathematics. Although it was not an effortless conquest, choosing math has been my most gratifying "Cur Non?" academic moment and has instilled in me an even deeper appreciation and love of advanced level mathematics.

2. Why are you interested in Lafayette? [500 characters]

I was instantly enthralled by the description a representative painted about Lafayette. After viewing virtual tours and images of the campus and its superb facilities I was elated that my expectations had been surpassed. Uncertain about my career, the remarkable liberal arts component and wide selection of academic courses and curricular activities appealed greatly to me. Additionally the intimate classroom setting and the authentic student relationships convinced me that Lafayette was for me.

1.What unique aspect of Lehigh most interests you? [1250 characters]

A particular desire of mine has always been to travel around the world to exciting places and to interact with people of different cultural persuasions. I am awfully curious to learn new and refreshing intakes on life as well as the fascinating cultural practices, traditions and languages of the myriads of civilizations that still exist in today's society. However I have always envisioned this project occurring later in my life after I have graduated from college but, as it turns out, it was closer to materializing than I could have ever anticipated. I was beyond ecstatic when I discovered that Lehigh has an annual International Week celebration where for a week I could 'travel' and experience a barrage of cultures during my four year stint at college. Additionally "The Bazaar" is coordinated where international culture and heritage (food, performances and traditional costumes) are displayed for everyone to enjoy. Every part of the campus from the dining halls to various organizations partakes in the festivity. I have garnered a high appreciation for sharing cultures as there is nowhere one can go without encountering diversification and I strongly believe that learning new cultures is a meaningful life experience.

2. In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st society? [1250 characters]

Equity is the quality of being objective and impartial towards all involved parties in a situation regardless of personal biases. A community is a group of people who interact regularly, share a common culture and reside in a defined geographical area. As the 21st century tends towards capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, society is quick to assimilate, incorporating these practices in their everyday life. Nowadays there is significant importance on connections, 'it's not what you know, but who'. This new tradition of nepotism: favouring someone simply because of your relationship with them and not based off of merit, is exceedingly popular in the corporate world and education systems and, completely contradicts the concept of fair opportunities for everyone. Likewise, the term community has also changed drastically. Technology is used incessantly, lessening face-to-face interaction; communities are no longer based upon physical contact. As a result of the influence of capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, equity and community will soon be antiquated notions where the unfair treatment of certain members in society and face-to-face interaction between members in a community will deteriorate.

I know its a lot, I do not expect one person to criticize everything, but any help will do. Thanks for reading!

I originally wanted to define them more personally but the word limit prevented me from embellishing too much.
& yes I am quite pessimistic, but I'll take what you said into consideration.
Thanks for your input!

1)
i believe that this is a greatly written essay with great vocab in it
i think you should explain how the math class was a challenge for you and how you took on that challenge
but other than that i think you are set to go on this essay :)

Jerry

First of all thank you for your critique, I do agree with you and will try to incorporate more of the challenge into the essay.

Otherwise I am really psyched that its good to go!

Nishitha

Thank you also for taking the time to critique my essays!
I have made suitable corrections to the Lafayette supplement and am currently in the process of fixing the Lehigh one.
I sometimes use the thesaurus because I have a bad memory and I sometimes cant remember a particular word I am trying to find, but otherwise I stayed away from using it, wanting my essay to sound more natural. I actually knew the word stint without the aid of the thesaurus and I am quite shocked to hear that it isn't as common as I thought it was. I am going to try to simplify though and hopefully it'll sound more flowing.

Thanks a bunch guys!

Thank you oodles, Susan!

Question: does spelling matter in terms of American versus English? Because I usually go with the English version, but I am applying to American institutions?

& overall what did you think of the essays?

Wow the second essay was really good and to the point.

However, I think you can make a few changes to your first essay and make it more... vibrant. I think that the "Why X" is a trick question; rather than hearing praise of the University that the Admissions Officer already knows is brilliant, he wants to know why YOU think it's brilliant for YOU. As in, what makes YOU interested. Every essay question is means to know the applicant, rather than the University. See? Hope this helps!

Good luck :)

Thanks! I was hoping it wasn't too boring or lackluster.

I agree and will change/spice it up some more because now that I think of it, it is a little plain and ordinary. Thank you very much, I can see it now clearly.

Good luck as well!

I think spelling does matter, since the readers of your essay will most probably be American and they might think you misspelled. But I'm sure the adcoms are smarter than that, they would know that you're more used to UK English, so i'm pretty sure it's not that big of a deal. if you want to play safe, then use american spellings:)

i think the first essay is quite impersonal. i mean, you can plug in any other college there and it would still work. and it's also as if you're just describing the college based on what you read in its website. try relating it to your personal life, or make it more specific. perhaps you could mention an activity that you love doing and how a club in Lafayette would let you continue doing it even in college.

i like your second essay, it portrays you as someone who is not afraid of failing and would rather just follow your passion. good job:)

comment on my essays too please:)

Elena

Thank you :)

I was thinking the same thing that the adcoms will be more understanding.

I am definitely going to re-do the first one. I agree that it is very impersonal, and the second time around I intend to rectify that.

Your advice has been very helpful.

I am glad you picked up on that from my second essay, that is exactly what I was trying to bring across. Yay!
I will surely comment on yours in turn!

I am not sure that the phrase "chosen erroneously" fits in this context. Are any academic decisions incorrect? Otherwise I enjoyed your Cur Non moment!

Need some feedback on my new Lafayatte Supplement: Gambling!

I think you could mention more about Lafayette here. Other than one sentence, which is kind of generic IMO (which school doesn't encourage that?), there's really no mention of the specifics of the school.The first sentence is a nice hook and the overall analogy is good! It comes off as a shock and makes me want to read more. I understand the character restriction makes it hard to aptly incorporate both, but you can trim your current one a bit.


Don't need that many examples; I think the reader will know what you mean with just one or two.


"The fact" is kind of redundant here, I don't think you need it.

I am addicted to gambling. The higher the stakes, the sweeter the win! Slot machines (I think this works better, just a personal opinion) and poker chips however, were not the kind of gambling that got my blood boiling; taking risks were. The Cur Non spirit that exemplifies Lafayette too encourages students to take risks. The alumni and campus facilities provide students with the ability to create their own destiny.( I think you could specify something in particular that you might participate in college) I am a step ahead of the game and, given that I am an experienced gambler, (a little bit more elaboration on why should be good)there is no doubt in my mind that Lafayette is the place for me.

Tweaked Some More - Why Lafayette: Gambling Essay. Feedback required!

I am addicted to gambling. The higher the stakes, the sweeter the win! Slot machines and poker chips however, were not the kind of gambling that got my blood boiling; taking risks were. The Cur Non spirit of Lafayette encourages students to take risks and create their own destiny. My first gamble at Lafayette will be choosing a major but I am not worried. I am a seasoned gambler and with my ability to analyze a risk and rack up substantial winnings, I bet my time at Lafayette will be rewarding.

Thank you kt94, I have revised again taking into consideration what you said and viola.

I see your pun the last sentence and I really like it . Just one more suggestion though, how about: I am a seasoned gambler and with my ability to analyze a risk and (make informed decisions), I bet my time at Lafayette will be rewarding. I think it would show that you're rational and have thought this through. But, I still think that if you have a particular attraction to Lafayette other than it's spirit would make your essay stronger.

Hope this helps.

Tweaked Gambling.

I am addicted to gambling. The higher the stakes, the sweeter the win! Slot machines and poker chips however, were not the kind of gambling that got my blood boiling; taking risks were. The Cur Non spirit of Lafayette encourages students to take risks and create their own destiny. My first gamble at Lafayette will be choosing a major but I am not worried. I am a seasoned gambler and with my ability to analyze a risk and make informed decisions, I bet my time at Lafayette will be very rewarding.

Hurray, I am glad that you picked up on the pun.

Point taken kt94 I will make that change. Ahh, I really wish I could add more, but I am up to 500 words exactly and it would be really difficult to add in another particular attraction, even though I have several other reasons why I love Lafayette (tis my first choice). I could try but it would be quite a task and I would end up getting rid of another sentence..

Ah, I see, then this is good! Hope to have helped.

kt94

Yes, word limits are such bummers. I abhor them, but any who, thanks greatly for your help.
I'll be happy to take a look at your revised piano essay or any other's of yours.

I think that for the first question you should be a little more specific. They do set a character limit but you can always go a little over and upload the document. For the second essay, I think you should describe the scene a little more like how you felt when the teacher did not go by the syllabus and stuff like that. Hope this helps! Please check out my barnard essays :)