Naval Academy Senator letter

Hello i'm applying for a nomination from my state senator to the Naval Academy and I would just like some feedback and/or grammar help please! The essay is supposed to include 1) Why you want to attend the academy 2) What makes you uniquely qualified to attend an academy 3) What do you want to do as a career after the academy.

Thank you so much!

I have always perceived the Naval Academy to be the narrow gate of military service, and only the finest members of society can enter through that narrow passage. I believe that my contagious fervor for helping others, accompanied by my pursuit of honor, duty, and loyalty will show my potential to become one of those exclusive members of our nation's military leaders. Acceptance into the Naval Academy would not only allow me to grow as a servant of men, but also guide me forward in my unselfish service and devotion to the welfare of others. The moral, mental, and physical strain put upon me by the academy would develop me into someone larger than myself. In addition, it opens opportunities for me that no other institution would because of its excellence in higher education and the pursuit of military perfection.

Taking on rigorous high school A.P classes is very challenging for me and most other candidates. However, I believe that it's unique that I can take on these classes and still be a leader of team sports and additionally be a leader of many school clubs. I aspire to assume a much higher responsibility than other candidates and perform at a very high level of expectation.

A career as a pilot in the Navy has been a lifelong goal of mine. Nonetheless, I am dedicated to a career in naval service and will proudly accept any opportunity the Navy would graciously offer me while holding service above self.

This essay answers the questions but lacks some proper form.

it opens opportunities...

You need to take your first paragraph and divide i into an intro and the first question answer. You have the makings of a good introduction in the thesis statement above.

I will proudly accept any opportunity...

This would be a good conclusion. However you need to develop the paragraph it's in prior to it.

You do discretely, but succinctly answer the questions. However, you need to hone the opening two paragraphs for form, as well as the conclusion.

This will build a stronger paper! Just go over your first paragraph and divide it into true intro, and the first answer. Then start your second paragraph with that answer. The next paragraph answers the second question fine. Then you can answer the future question, and end.

Good start!

ef_carol

- I believe that my contagious fervorundying commitment in ( I choose this words because "contagious" seemed like a negative word like "contagious disease", it's up to you to decide)for helping others,

- Acceptance into the Naval Academy wouldwill not
- only allow me to grow as a servant of menmankind ,
- but also will guide me forward
- in my unselfish service and devotion to thegreater welfare of others .
- ...challenging for me andthan most other candidates.
- I am dedicated to a career in the naval service
- and will proudly accept any opportunity that the Navy would
- graciously offer me while holding service above selfanything else .

Ryan, I made a few additions on your letter, hopefully it enhances it.
Aside from the additions that I made I would also like to note that the letter lacks a few information about yourself, your achievements and how this achievements will help you in serving and holding such responsibility in the military.