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About natural disasters and their influences on me.


HelpPls 5 / 23  
Nov 16, 2009   #1
Prompt

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

OR

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

(My essay fits both prompt, though I prefer the former. What do you think after reading it?)

In the past 18 months, two natural disasters left me in tears and made me ponder deeply. One happened in China, where I was born and lived in for nine years, while the other occurred in Fargo, North Dakota, where I have been living for the other nine years.

In the late spring of last year, news of an 8.0 magnitude earthquake that struck Sichuan, China, quickly spread around the world. As I stared at the images of the collapsed houses, the dead and injured compatriots, and the frightened survivors, warm tears rolled down my cheek, and empathy filled my heart. I felt obligated to do something. At last I decided to donate 200 dollars, the largest amount I have ever donated, to the victims of the catastrophe. My parents were very proud of my compassion and pure commitment, and at the same time, they also felt somewhat surprised since I am usually very frugal, believe it or not, even thriftier than they are. Realizing my individual contribution is insignificant compared to the losses engendered by the earthquake, I raised awareness of and funding for the victims. With Principle Dahlen's approval, I hanged my fundraising posters all over the school and hoped more students could provide assistance to the unfortunates. Although I have no way of knowing how much money was donated by my classmates, it's delightful to know that China received many humanitarian aids from many countries such as America. It seems we are living in a global village where people help each other regardless of their nationality.

In the early spring of this year, about one year after the earthquake, a flood was threatening to ravage my city, Fargo, North Dakota. A colossal amount of snow was deposited in this region last winter. As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted. All of the water then poured down in the Red River. At last, when the river rose up to an alarming height, all schools in the area were closed, and residents were encouraged to volunteer filling sandbags and to help fight the flood. Meanwhile, my family was also going through a difficult time; everyone caught the cold. Worst of all, my cold morphed into a nasty pneumonia. While the mass majority of my peers were fighting the flood under the chilly wind, I was lying in bed. As the water elevation increased, the mayor urged residents to be prepared to evacuate. Getting out of our sick beds, we moved our important belongings up to the second floor, devised an escape plan, and braced ourselves for the worst-case scenario. Although the flood water crested at one foot above the previous record, the majority of my city was saved by the efforts and the will of the volunteers.

After recovering from our illnesses, my family drove near a river-side park where we once held picnics. The whole park was still completely submerged under the flood water. The ferocious gray water tumbled, but was blocked by the temporary dike made out of sandbags. Similar to the Great Wall, the dike ran as far as the eye could see. It's terrifying to think that the flood water was only one mile away from my home. As I gazed in awe at the breathtaking spectacle, tears trickled down my cheek in appreciation of the volunteers. This event reminded me of a well-known Chinese proverb: "A near neighbor is more helpful than a far-dwelling relative."

A famous Chinese poem says, "Men weep only when deeply affected." Yes, I shed tears of sympathy for the losses of the earthquake, and I wept tears of gratitude for the volunteers of the flood. The recent two disasters made me realize that our knowledge of nature is very limited, but our community is yet so powerful and supportive.

Up to this day, I still feel a pang of guilt in my chest for not being able to volunteer during the time of crisis. My father understood my sentiment and what he said next was forever embedded in my memory: "Don't dwell on the past. You are still young. In the future, you will have tons of opportunities and many ways to contribute to our community as well as to our society." As an incoming college student, I know what I should do.

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Thanks for your time and help!
gumdrop41 6 / 30  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
Always try to avoid cliches in an essay, such as "left me in tears", "warm tears rolled down my cheek, and empathy filled my heart"

the sentence of "One happened in China, where I was born and lived in for nine years. The other occurred in Fargo, North Dakota, where I have been living for the other nine years." is awkward because the structure of the two sentences are exactly the same, you list the place and then write the x number of years. Perhaps you could make them into one sentence and make it flow better

It's good that your essay has a lot of emotional appeal to it, and we the readers clearly understand it's impact on you. One good thing to do is maybe describe how these incidents not only impacted you but spurred you to do something, or how you've acted in response.

Good job!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 18, 2009   #3
This is quite an incredible essay. I really like your writing style. and little details, like ordinarily being frugal, enable the reader to start to know you personally.

No matter how it is defined, I care about the affairs of America just as much as I mind about the issues in China. -----> This sentence is not quite right. Actually, the whole last para has to be scrapped, I think! The 1st sentence of the last para is boring, and then you talk about "definitions" for community, which is not really important. How about a new last paragraph?If you choose to focus on an issue, write about community, but if you choose to focus on an experience, write about how this duel experience -- in China and the U.S. -- affected your aspirations for the future.
OP HelpPls 5 / 23  
Nov 29, 2009   #4
I am having such a difficult time rewriting my conclusion paragraph. You guys all know what I'm trying to say, so, any suggestions?
OP HelpPls 5 / 23  
Dec 4, 2009   #5
I made some minor revisions in the top half. The majority of the change is in the last paragraph.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 5, 2009   #6
Ah! I love the last sentences. Your father is great. Use a colon:
...and what he said next was forever embedded in my memory: "You are still ..."
OP HelpPls 5 / 23  
Dec 7, 2009   #7
My teacher found that the sentence: "the water accumulated into the Red River" a bit choppy. What can I do to fix this?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 9, 2009   #8
As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted, and the water accumulated into the Red River, which flows through my city.

Some would disagree about this being choppy. To improve it, though, change into into in.

As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted, and the water accumulated in the Red River, which flows through my city.

Things don''t accumulate into other things. Accumulation is amalgamation, snowballing.

Also you have one segment too many in this sentence.

As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted, and the water accumulated in the Red River. which flows through my city

Is the city part necessary? I think it is not.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Dec 11, 2009   #9
All of the water then poured down into the Red River.

difficult time; everyone caught a cold.

Yes, I shed tears of sympathy for the losses caused by the earthquake, ...

UpTo this day, I still feel a pang of guilt in my chest for not being able to volunteer during the time of crisis.

This is great, one of the best essays I've read. Good job, and good luck in school!
OP HelpPls 5 / 23  
Dec 12, 2009   #10
Thanks everyone for the help!


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