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Nanyang: My proudest achievement essay.


answers: 9
Mar 8, 2009, 06:38am   #1
As I begin to write this essay on the proudest achievement in my life, there are no doubts in my mind that it can be nothing other than that episode of my life where I played the three hours of my best lawn tennis to land my school a national level lawn tennis championship.

It was the summer of 2005 and ...

SEE BELOW


It needs to be about 250 words......right now it is about 370. Please help!
Sorry, Kevin. Can I have a word before you? ^^
In my opinion, some sentences of your essay are not connected, a bit confusing. you could make them sound smoothly if you connect them wisely , especially the first sentences. And your style is quite blunt, why don't you make it more graceful? that would be awesome!!
and about the length of the essay, I think you can shorten it by shortening the first sentences. I have to admit that I don't like them ^^.
Good luck!! and your story is great :)
Mar 8, 2009, 10:09am   #3
i suggest u change the openin lines.. its very well written though.. good job!!..it'll prbly be tough to shorten it... nothin rlly seems insignificant.. nd word limit for nanyang essays is 300 words not 250.. i know that coz im writin on the same topic too...
Mar 8, 2009, 11:07am   #4
1st line - serious writing doesn't acknowledge itself. that's for kids, kids who are discouraged to do it beginning in high school.

..is no doubt. why use the plural, doubts? it obfuscates your writing and sounds awkward. consider why you would use that idiom to begin with, and you'll concur.

2nd line - "land" is weak, it sounds like something a jock would say. in sports conversations it might be well-suited to the topic for the sake of getting the sports signficance across in an uncomplicated manner, but that's not the case with writing.

you repeated "lawn tennis" in close proximity of each other. change the first utterance "I played the best three hours of lawn tennis" to something more universal. how can you describe this without referring to the fact that you are playing a sport?

From here on - your sentences are jumpy, that is, they don't work together or follow in progression from one another.

choose one aspect that you want to describe and devote at least a few interconnected sentences to it.. this will be the story, the body

good luck
Mar 8, 2009, 11:23am   #5
I'm not Kevin but... I think I can help you...

sumantneo:
As I begin to write this essay on the proudest achievement in my life, there are no doubts in my mind that it can be nothing other than that episode of my life where I played the three hours of my best lawn tennis to land my school a national level lawn tennis championship. -- SO WORDY... get to the point...

Use something like...

Practicing, motivation and determination were the key elements that contributed to my success in gaining the national level lawn tennis championship title for my school, which was my greatest victory.


It was the summer of 2005 and I was feeling lucky to be representing my school in a national level tournament as I was given a chance ahead of a couple of more experienced players.


Be more exciting like...

I was honoured and proud to competing with players who share the same passion as I, and to represent my school in a national level tournament in the summer of 2005.


Our team of four blazed through the tournament and suddenly we were up against the hosts, our arch rivals in the final.

a bit bland... you should include rushing adrenaline excited you to compete your arch rivals..

It started with a grueling singles match, which my teammate played and unfortunately lost, followed by a three setter doubles match which our team won in an enthralling fashion. It was all down to just one match, my singles match.

Avoid starting sentences with "it"

The stakes were high and I could not afford to lose the match. Maybe it was the pressure of losing that was bogging me down more than my opponent's strokes. Neither me nor anybody else expected anything spectacular from me as I was no more than an amateur as compared to my opponent. The first set was over in a mere 15 minutes and the score read 6-2. The second set began from where the first set ended and I was down 4-1. All hope of staging a comeback evaporated. It was then that the voice of my father rung through my ears. 'One who is down need fear no fall further.'

Use better words...f
Reword the bold sentence
Make the following sentence "The first set..." exciting like...
"The first set quickly passed as I thought nothing, but the game..... "

For the last sentence, reword it...
say something like... "As I started to lose confidence, time stood still and I heard my father tell me...."


After that all memory that I have of the match are static images. Images etched to my mind that will never be forgotten. Matching my opponent shot for shot, making him work double for each point, winning the second set 7-5, spending every ounce of strength that I possessed, hitting the last shot over the opponent's head that landed just inside the base, falling to my knees only to be lifted again by my team over their shoulders and kissing that enigmatic silver trophy.

run on sentence

The events of that day infused in me confidence and self belief that comes to my rescue every time I am down and out whether it is on-court or academics. I can clearly term it my proudest achievement to-date.

This last paragraph confuses me. You don't want your readers scratching their heads, do you?


The flow of your paper is a bit choppy.
Hey, yeah, what is up with separating all the sentences at the beginning like that? I like the flow of the beginning, but I think it should all be brought together as one paragraph. Maybe start paragraph2 with:

It started with a...

Only change it to:

The tournament started with a...

ALSO, it would be good to put your thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph, right after "our arch rivals in the final."

HEY, Mustafa's advice about your first line is great! And I have actually made that mistake in my writing.. I think I just became a better writer because of Mustafa's comment, there. Writing should focus on the subject, not itself! It's like the Zen story about the finger pointing at the moon: Do not miss the moon because of looking at the finger that is pointing to it!

About the rest of the essay: How about less story and more reflection! It is a cool story, but the reader does not really care as much as you do. It is better to tell the story in half the amount of words, and then use the extra space to reflect very thoughtfully and sensibly about that accomplishment, what it teaches about life, practice, and perseverance, you know? Use the extra space to reflect on what it all means, what effect it will have on you, and you can even tie it into your academic and professional aspirations a little.

BTW, I had to remove your original draft so we don't have too much duplicate content. It's okay for you to post a revised draft, though! Start by putting all those sentences from the beginning into one paragraph.
Mar 10, 2009, 08:26am   #7
Practicing, motivation and determination were the key elements that contributed to my success in gaining the national level lawn tennis championship title for my school, which was my proudest achievement to-date. It was the summer of 2005 and I was feeling lucky to be representing my school as I was given a chance ahead of a couple of more experienced players.

Our team of four blazed through the tournament and suddenly we were up against the hosts, our arch rivals in the final. The finals started with a grueling singles match, which my teammate unfortunately lost, followed by a three setter doubles match which our team won in an enthralling fashion. It was all down to just one match, my singles match.

The stakes were high and I could not afford to lose the match. Maybe it was the pressure of losing that was bogging me down more than my opponent's strokes. Nobody expected anything spectacular from me as I was an amateur compared to my opponent. The first set passed quickly and the score read 2-6. The second set began from where the first set ended and I was down 1-4. As I started to lose confidence, time stood still and the voice of my father rung through my ears. 'One who is down need fear no fall further.'

After that all memory that I have of the match are static images. Images etched to my mind that will never be forgotten. Matching my opponent shot for shot, winning the second set 7-5, spending every ounce of strength that I possessed, hitting the last shot over the opponent's head that landed just inside the baseline, falling to my knees only to be lifted again by my team over their shoulders and kissing that enigmatic silver trophy.

The events of that day infused an unparalleled confidence and self belief in me. Now I realize what Mohammad Ali meant when he said "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself."



How is it now??? Any more improvements....
Mar 11, 2009, 01:40am   #8
i thin u can still reword the beginning to make it more interesting.. another thing i didn understand was the end.. u say "Now i realize".. i mean wasnt this match played 4 years ago???. other than that i think it looks pretty good.. although, i admit, im not too good at essays so u should prbly jst wait for the moderators to reply...
Nobody expected anything spectacular from me, as I was an amateur compared to my opponent.

(comma above)

Looking great!! Now add a few sentences to make a connection, at the end, with the determination to succeed at this school, etc. Even though they only ask you to talk about this achievement, perhaps you are so focused on your academic aspirations that you cannot help but transition into a discussion of them at the end. How is your intended major going to be like that victory?? :)

Good luck!!
Mar 13, 2009, 10:49am   #10
Good job on the essay. Kevin is right, though, you should tie your achievement into your educational aspirations in some way. Perhaps you could talk about how you now have confidence in your ability to meet the challenges of university, or some such?



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