This is my first time posting an essay, any feedback will be gladly appreciated so please don't hesitate to tell me if anything needs to be changed. Thank you! :)
Confident, with the determination of a marathon runner, and ready to make her voice heard. Although today sees only her unrelenting fighting spirit, there was a time when her will was all but gone. Luckily, the day came, and she promised herself to never again let anyone belittle her or her children. Leaving her country, family, and home behind, she sought bigger dreams for her four boys in a new country.
Starting from bits ans scraps, my mother took on the responsibility of both father and mother, and has worked her hardest to provide the best life possible for our family. It truly amazes me, watching her arrive home late after a long day of grueling work as a housemaid, yet always wearing a smile, ready to ask everyone else how their day went. Although we may not live in the best home, drive the newest car, or own the most expensive clothes, we have something many lack- a home filled with love, support, and compassion.
Never once indulging in self pity, my mother has taught me the importance of tackling obstacles head on. Always with the certainty you can succeed as long as you're committed and are willing to go the extra mile. In turn, this idea has helped me understand the importance of constantly seeking to improve myself. Whether it's academically, socially, or even spiritually, it doesn't matter what's important is to set out and accomplish our personal goals.
No doubt my mother has shaped and molded my life in tremendous ways. From enormous impact events like deciding to migrate to the United States, to the more subtle instilling of knowledge and importance of morality and respect. Her unselfish and loving attitude will forever stay with me as a role model, reminding me never to look down on anybody regardless of race, education, or wealth.
Thank you, your corrections are helping me get the ball rolling, I'm sort of stuck. Thank you again.
This is a great essay.But in my opinion,to capture the reader's attention,you can hide the word"mother" until the second paragraph.
"As hopeless as you may think your life is, there are many whose only wish is for a warm plate, a pair of shoes, perhaps even a family." Mum would say.
I think thats what you meant...OR...??
Whether it's academic, social, or even spiritual, doesn't matter; what's important is to set out and accomplish my goals.(How about.."the most important thing to me is..")
but also believe you can achieve anything.(.."I".)
Overall great job.If there's a woman on the Admissions Committee,i bet she will be touched.
Would you mind giving mine a critique?I'd really appreciate it.
S.
Thanks for the feedback Shadglore, haha I hope it's a woman, and sure I'll give your essay my two cents worth. Thanks again, I appreciate any feedback, and I will gladly return the favor :)
I think your first two paragraph are great, talking about and introducing your mother and her personalities. however, for 3rd paragraph, i think you should quote her. For example "Never taking anything or anyone for granted", my mother taught me the importance of treasuring all that you already have , idk that's just my opinion. Also, for next lines As hopeless as you may think your life is, there are many whose only wish is for a warm plate, a pair of shoes, perhaps even a family. There is, however, no excuse for not trying and absolutely no room for self pity , it seems like these are opinion, i think it would be more attractive if you have an evidence supporting these thoughts. For example try this, watching her smile even after late night work, i realized there is no excuse for not trying and absolutely no room for self pity.
I think your conclusion is prefect. Overall, i think your essay is great, on topic. you have made good use of emotional appeal, and your vocabulary is adequate for this essay. while reading the 3rd paragraphs i just felt there was more opinion and that's why suggested use quotes.
Sorry, if it doesn't make sense.
Thank you so much Manu I see what you mean. I will definetly add the quotations and move some of the sentences around. I wish you well in your admission into the Univeristy of California. Best of luck :)
Thank you very much alan. I wish you all the best for UT too :)
