topic: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
When I am asked who or what had a significant influence on me I would tell them it's my mother. It took me a while to figure out that my mother had the most extraordinary influence on my life .My mother had influenced me in many ways and has molded me to be what I am today a hard working person . The reason of why my mother is the one who influenced me the most are because of her unique characteristic, perseverance, and her sense of responsibility.
The characteristic of my mother is none of what I have seen in other people .She has a unique character from my point of view. At times I view her as being a role model to me. The characteristic that I value in her is that the quick instinct that something should be done if there is a problem, her skills as being a house wife, and her reaction to a situation. One day while my mom was driving me to school she noticed that the car's tires lacked air and the car wasn't moving as usual then she quickly stopped at the nearest car station to get some air as she was filling the ties with she then noticed that one of the tiers had a leak. Luckily for her the gas station we were at repaired tiers after we exchanged the tiers we were on our way to school. If it wasn't for my mother's quick instant we could have got stuck in the freeway. My mother influenced me though her unique characteristic to become what I am today a hard working person.
The perseverance that my mother narrated in her stories about her life that she used to tells us about teaches me never to give up on anything that would be beneficial to me and in make me a successful person in life. In the late 1900's when war broke out in Somalia my mother knew that it would be for the best to immigrate to America, but at the same time that getting in to America was risky . She knew that if she got to America she could get to America she would be successful in her life. She never gave up and arrives in America in 1993. When got here in America her dream was to succeed in life and to have the courage never to give up. It was by these stories in which inspired me never to give up in life and when something does not work out you just got to live with it.
By having a sense of responsibility my mother would fulfill her task, duty or obligation. As part of being a house wife my mother never failed to look after us well, and to take good care of us. She is the kind of mother that would gather the family together for family nights, and the kind of person who would help out the neighborhood and the community to make everything the way they should be because she felt that she had a sense of responsibility over all that. My mother taught me how to become a more responsible person. In one word the sense of responsibility helps me to succeed in life and to have a sense of accomplishment. My mother influenced me in becoming a responsible person in life and I'm very grateful for that.
There are many ways in which my mother influenced me to become what I am today and some of those things are her characteristics, perseverance, and her sense of responsibility. I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother while I grew up. Those characteristic make me glad that she is my mother. And she was always by my side.
very briefly.
-----When I was asked who or what had a significant influence on me; I answered that my mother is the one who had the most influence on my life. It took me a while to figure out that my mother had the most extraordinary influence on my life .My mother had influenced me in many ways and has molded me to be what I am today a hard working person. The reasons of why my mother is the one who influenced me the most are her unique characteristic, perseverance, and her sense of responsibility.
you may make the example clearer in second paragraph!.avoid long sentence. avoid vagueness.
e.g
"She knew that if she got to America she could get to America she would be successful in her life."
"She never gave up and arrives in America in 1993."
in your conclusion.
do not restate your statement.
Thanks in the tip..
Okay, here are my thoughts.
Your paper is an okay paper, but you can improve it a lot by doing a few things. First, when I read your paper, I felt like you were forced to write this paper. You need make your paper more interesting so the reader can enjoy reading it. Who wants to read a dull paper? Your structure and sentence were like you had to meet the words count. It is okay to have a short and meaningful sentence. Second, you need to be a bit more creative about your word choice. For example, I felt like I read so many times the word characteristic and my mother. Try to use she, her, and so on. Finally, try to mention couple of outstanding examples about your mother. I think the changing tire on the road is very weak argument. Try to work on your paper and distance yourself for a day or two. Come back and reread it, and see if it goes smooth or not. Does it convey the message you intend the reader to get?
Say it in fewer words when you can:
If I have to mention o The first person that comes to mind ...
You are using although incorrectly:
Although It took me a while to ...
... I was growing up I began to value things _________ (what things?), and my new perspective ... mother's wisdom. in life and then it got to ...
Among the many great qualities she posses, ..., and her sense of responsibility has have made me ...
The characteristics of my mother is none of what are different from any that I have seen in other people.
...; her skills as being a homemaker, and her quick ... of her greatest qualities .
(start a new paragraph)
One day while my mom was ...
Some of your sentences are quite powerful! You need to practice changing words from singular to plural. Good luck!!! I think your mother will feel good when she sees this essay.
It took me a while to figure that out, but her extraordinary influence has changed my life in many ways. as I was growing up, I began to value things _________ (what things?).
thanks for all your help on this essay.
I definitely think that you should rephrase the first sentence of your essay or try to open it with a more original, creative way since I think your opening is a bit cliche'. About the rest of your essay, you didn't recall any special moments or any specific memories with your mom that significantly impact the "you" today. I mean from what I read, your mom is a pretty "typical mom" and so what you wrote doesn't distinguish you from the others ! Just my 2 cents !
Your essay has the meaning. I really think that the essay needs to be a little more captivating and that you need to remove some of the grammatical errors because, while some can be understandable, a lot of them can be distracting.
