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Mother;Fortitude,Perseverance,Altuistic soul, Kind Hearted (important person)


answers: 3
Jan 21, 2008, 02:08am   #
Hello again, this is my second essay on this topic. I have worked very hard to have it now. Please review it and give me some advice. Thank you very much for your time. I am very grateful for each of your tip. My native language is not English, I had to translative this essay into English so there are something you can not get it, please let me know. Thanks again.
Here's the topic: Describe a person who has influenced on your development and describe the infuence.


Here's my essay:

It was just 3 a.m. and the sky was still in the darkness of an extremely cold evening winter in the severe highland. The wind blew fast made the dark sky become more dangerous and violent, but my mother was ready to set out again. Hardly did anyone know that where a female was going in such that weather. She was going to remote areas of the province to do her business, retailing commodities. At the age of 40s, my mother still had to work hard to earn her living and support our family. By her old bike with a lot of goods that maybe was out of her ultimate limit, my mother faced her new challenge alone but vigorously. There was no light outside, no stars, and no one, there was only winds still blew faster and faster towards my mother's sunburnt face. This moment of my mother' life that has been instilled in my mind has tremendously helped me in my spiritual, mental, and developmental upbringing.

My mother actually is an ordinary woman but in her tiny appearance lies an extraordinary fortitude, perseverance, a altruistic soul and a very kindly heart. The kind of mother who brought me up with her whole kindly heart, the kind of persistent woman with strong willpower who had to face the toughest challenges in life, and the kind of person who always demonstrated great zeal for every unlucky lives without requiring anything in return and great willingness to help everyone's misery though she did not have much, my mother taught me more than any one else, not only inspired me the strength to overcome hardships in my life, but also left me with invaluable life lessons. Her fortitude and perseverance, as well as her kindly heart have encouraged me to grow up to live the life of an authentic person, a life engulfed with perseverance and determination, a life with heartfelt eagerness to love and to receive love from every one and optimistic beliefs in the future.

My mother's life is the succession of obstacles and grieves. Growing up in a poor family, my mother must work very hard to earn her living since her early ages. Due to shortage of material condition, she herself has trained an extremely strong will and ability to sedately deal with each difficulty and stand up to move on from her failures.

I vividly remember the calamity poured down my family when my mother' business went bankrupt. We had to sell our house and leave for another town to begin from "zero". This critical time made every member in my family totally upset. But it was my mother, the persistent and brave women, strongly stood up and started over again after this great adversity. Each of her failures, her grief, and the way she overcome difficulties to move on has made an indelible impression in my mind, leaving me with precious lessons about the values of strong wills and indefatigable endeavors to firmly confront with setbacks and bravely conquer them. There was time when I felt that there was no more hope in life, that I felt very weary and was about to give up everything. It was the time when I failed the entrance examination into a high school for the gifted, a famous and competitive school attracting best students in Vietnam. I was really despaired when all my efforts went to nowhere, six months with hard working and overnight learning left me nothing but fail and shame. I was unable to deal with any small problems and felt embarrassed to meet my relatives and friends. However, that was also the right time that I learned from my mother how to learn from mistakes and developed my own tools to take more lessons from them to realize the proper meanings of determination. My patient efforts were compensated when I received scholarships in each semester at high school. All of these difficulties eventually gave me an optimistic view on life which helped me become more vigorous to start all over again and to waive my unhealthy fear of failure.


My mother is a diligent and determined woman who has left me with the right direction of my road, more importantly, she has helped me appreciate this life as precious gifts of ordinary life and true happiness by her kindly heart. The accident of my aunt gave me another lesson from my mother. My aunt Dung was unfortunately hurt mentally after this accident, and the reserved women became demented, which made anyone scared of her. Unlike other relatives, my mother was the only person who did not ignore her; in contrast, she looked after her very wholeheartedly. Thank to my mother, I was no longer scared of demented people as I used to, but instead, I understood from their eyes the hope to live stable lives.
The kindness I learned from my mother urged me to enthusiastically accompany my teachers to the town of leper families at Eana, Daklak province. This was an unforgettable experience that helped me shaped my outlook on life. Many people here lived in silence and complex about their situations. Scared at first, my mind changed from fearing them to sympathizing with them and wishing them integrate more into the society. I realized from their eyes the sturdy resistance to illness, and their strong will to live ordinary lives under such terrible circumstances. Giving my small gifts, I also received form them more valuable gift - true happiness, that comes from the simple things in life and from trying to make others happy, the more of it we give to other the more we will have for ourselves.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she has given me. The precious lessons from my mother are the luggage for me to go on my road and discover new horizon of knowledge and make my dream become a reality instead of just a dream. I own my strength to my mother. Her life experience has made me more vigorous to face every hardship, to overcome each failure, and move on. Far more meaningfully, I also realize the invaluable gift of life and true happiness to view the world more optimistically and to believe in the brighter future.
Greetings!

You've written a great essay! It's true that the grammar is not perfect, but I think your essay is very effective and full of heart. While I can't correct every error, here are some to help you out:

It was just 3 a.m. and the sky was still in the darkness of an extremely cold winter evening in the severe highlands. The wind blew fast, making the dark sky become more dangerous and violent, but my mother was ready to set out again. Hardly did anyone know that where a female was going in such that weather. - This last sentence does not really make sense; you could eliminate it and be just fine.

Although in her 40s,

there were only winds blowing faster and faster towards my mother's sunburnt face.

an altruistic soul

the kind of person who always demonstrated great zeal for helping the less fortunate without requiring anything in return and great willingness to help everyone's misery though she did not have much. My mother taught me more than any one else, not only inspired me the strength to overcome hardships in my life, but also left me with invaluable life lessons.

My mother's life is a succession of obstacles and sorrows. Growing up in a poor family, my mother had to work very hard to earn her living since an early age.

I felt despair when all my efforts went to nowhere; six months with hard working and overnight learning left me nothing but failure and shame.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
Jan 22, 2008, 08:52am   #
Thank you very much indeed. I will try to correct every error before I send it.
I wonder if you could give more review on this part : "The precious lessons from my mother are the luggage for me to go on my road and discover new horizon of knowledge and make my dream become a reality instead of just a dream." ( I translated it from my essay in Vietnamese, and I am not sure if it is really used in English). And do you think that this essay has so many repeated words?
Thanks for your help.
Greetings!

I think I understand what you are trying to convey in that sentence about the luggage. However, luggage is much like "baggage" which has a negative connotation in English. I'll revise it for you so that it has a more natural sound in English:

"The precious lessons from my mother are the gifts I will carry on my road of discovery as I seek new horizons of knowledge and make my dream become a reality, instead of just a dream."

Another suggestion:
My aunt Dung was unfortunately hurt mentally after this accident, and the reserved woman became demented, which made people afraid of her. - If the injury your aunt suffered was a physical one to her brain, rather than a psychological one, it might be better to say "My Aunt Dung unfortunately suffered a brain injury in this accident..."

As far as repetition, the only thing I would point out is your phrase "kindly heart." You use it a lot, and should vary your wording, particularly as the phrase "kindly heart" is not really one a native English speaker would choose. We might say "kind heart" or "loving heart" or describe her as having "a generous heart," or being "big-hearted"; there are many other ways you could say it, too. Try some different ones; too much repetition makes you lose emphasis.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com



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