Hi, please help me improve this undergraduate admission essay. I apologise if it's not well done and thanks.
I did not know how tired my mother has had been until one night when I heard her snore. What I knew was, she used to be a well off housewife, until my father failed his business. After which she has had to work in order for to make ends meet, and after work, she has to take care of the housework. Only after finishing the housework, she would then has the time rest and catch her favourite television drama series, where I often find her sleeping halfway through the series. With that, a day is over for her without any form of leisure.
I have always thought that working is easy, but I knew I was wrong when I have started working during my school holidays, in which I realised working was taxing both to the body and mind. Nonetheless, taking care of a house is also not simple, and to think my mother did this arduous and repetitive task for years, and yet, she did not utter a single word of complain in front of my sister and I.
There is no need for her to say it out to educate us, from her spirit and altruistic care and concern for us alone, would be enough to inspire me to have perseverance and give me strength to overcome obstacles.
Regards,
I've given this advice to others and I will share it with you: pick someone other than your mother or father for this essay. I know that, for most of us, our parents influence our lives more than anyone else, but that does not make them a great topic for this type of essay.
I interview job candidates with a very similar question. As soon as I hear someone say "my mom" or "my dad" I stop paying attention. I can imagine that admissions committees are the same way. They probably read hundreds of essays and they want something fresh and unique.
I can make some suggestions on writing style, but I would first encourage you to pick a different subject and start over.
Hi, what you said really makes sense, thus i have picked a different subject. Please advise, thanks.
'If a person stumbles, he must pick himself up and keep going', this meaningful sentence is not from a poet, neither someone famous, but from an ordinary strong-willed woman.
Jacquelin Saburido used to be a promising and pretty young lady, but unfortunately, a car accident changed her life drastically. All parts of her body was badly burnt, she has had to go undergo operations to recover her looks as much as possible. Till now, her appearance can still be regarded as 'monster'.
How i knew this person was through a video played by my teacher during a camp. "If i was in her shoes, will i continue living?..No Way! I will definitely end my life to ease further sufferings. Even if I had live on, I will never show myself in public to be labeled as a 'freak' by them. Furthermore, i will curse the culprit who did this to me, lest talking about forgiving him", this was what ran through my mind after finished watching the video. However, Jacqueline continues to live on, living her own life to the fullest and in the video, she hugged the culprit's mother, saying that she will forgive him and hoped that the culprit would restructure his life after he is out of jail.
Students or businessmen committing sucide appears in newspaper occasionally, they end their life because of a small setback. However, compared to Jacqueline's misfortune, theirs' are not much of a significant. Friends not talking to each other after bickering was a commonsight and I too, was one of the victim. Jacquelin said, 'If a person stumbles, he must pick himself up and keep going.' What I learnt was we should not falter because of a failures, and we should be magnanimous towards one another nonetheless friends.
'If a person stumbles, he must pick himself up and keep going.' --- the sentence ends right here. Don't just add a comma and keep typing. New sentence:
This meaningful sentence is not from a poet, and neither is it from someone famous, but instead it is from an ordinary , strong-willed woman.
If you put 2 sentences togethr as a compound sentence, use a conjunction like "and" or "but":
All parts of her body were badly burnt, and she has had to go undergo operations to recover her looks as much as possible.
If you put 2 sentences together without a conjunction, you can use a semi-colon:
Instances of students or businessmen committing suicide appear in newspaper occasionally; t hey end their lives because of small setbacks.
:-)
Thanks! XD
