"The moment I am out of the World" - topic of your choice, Ohio Wesleyan Uni

Please the essay is for Ohio Wesleyan University. It would expire in 24 hours. Please give me your fair suggestions.

The moment I am out of the World

As I went through the narrow path to the podium, I couldn't help the shouting. Yes they stretched their hands just to touch my shirt. It was a standing ovation. Everybody was happy for the giant accomplishment in Medicine. Few steps to the podium the commentator looked at me and said, "This is one giant step for mankind; it was because of People like this Alfred Nobel introduced this prize." But just as I was about to be handed the trophy I heard my brother say, "Promise you are late for Sunday service."

My aspirations for the Nobel Prize in Medicine didn't start today. Since my childhood I have been keeping record of the names of Nobel Prize in Medicine winners. I have made great sacrifices for this dream. Standing right there in front of my 10th grade class at the vacation day and looking helplessly at the ceiling above my head I couldn't endure the pressure. They said I was careful, organized, and I had a strong work ethic therefore I would make a great mathematician. Maybe they were right, but I couldn't find any better field to integrate these virtues. Although my identification with Mathematics would mean that I would continue representing the school at competitions, but I would make the biggest mistake to sell my real identity. When I came home the next day I found my mum sobbing.

Mum has fought against my idea of being a Medical doctor for a long time. Everybody at home wants me to take over from my maternal grand father who was a Mathematician. But all the difficulties have made me inseparable from Medicine. These obstacles inspire me to pick up my surgical blades. Yes whenever I make an incision, I stand back to admire the architectural wonder that lies inside the belly of the rat. Because of these hindrances I can stand for four hours inside the laboratory. It is this moment I am out of the World. Watching my specimen closely, I nod at the simplest observation. I could be slapped yet I wouldn't be distracted. Nothing else matters to me than my identity.

I sit down in my room listening to rustling of the dead leaves. My dream is still vivid. I would have loved it if I wasn't woken up. But there is still a chance for me. I can still be handed that trophy. Although every college gives opportunities, the only opportunity I need-to be handed the trophy-can be given to me if I attend Ohio Wesleyan University.

Maybe change or omit the first paragraph... the idea of grabbing their attention is nice, but something is off...
Also in the second paragraph, reread it, their are some grammar mistakes and you should omit Although or but in the sentence that they both appear...

...couldn't help the shouting. Yes they stretched their hands just to touch my shirt. It was a standing ovation. Everybody was happy for the giant accomplishment in Medicine. Few steps to the podium the commentator looked at me and said, "This is one giant step for mankind; it was because of People people like this Alfred Nobel introduced this prize." But just as I was about to be handed the trophy I heard my brother say, "Promise, you are late for Sunday service." (Maybe you should add a sentence here to confirm for the reader that you are talking about being brought out of a dream. It is a little confusing... but I like it! I understand what Kelly meant; something is "off," but it is just that a few sentences are unclear. For example, "couldn't help the shouting" is not correct or clear. Who was shouting? Write that sentence differently, and I think this paragraph will be okay.

wants me to take over from my maternal grand father who was a Mathematician. -----Er... yeah, it does not make sense for them to want you to do what he did instead of what you will do. The big mistake is to try to try to live on vicariously through a kid's career...

But all the difficulties have made me inseparable from Medicine. ---It is better to say a particular specialization instead of referring generally to medicine. Naming a specialization will show how much you have been reading.

I think you are doing very well!