Unanswered [16] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Undergraduate /     

"My Mom" - help with most influential person essay.


answers: 8
Jun 30, 2009, 11:06am   #1
I'm not done yet . It needs tob a 250 word essay , Am I going in the right direction?

Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest and this lovely lady is my Mom. My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has showed me that if I want to succeed in anything the I will have to put my all into it and put in the extra time to make sure it is being done to its fullest extent. Another important value she has taught me is that if you are going to start something then you will Have to finish it,. This value plays a big part in my life and motivates me with my tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and made it so I could continue playing up until now, my senior year.

brandon
Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest and this lovely lady is my Mom.
- I think you should use a different adjective instead of lovely, because what influenced you isn't her loveliness. ;) -

My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has showed me that if I want to succeed in anything the I will have to put my all into it and put in the extra time to make sure it is being done to its fullest extent. Another important value she has taught me is that if you are going to start something then you have to finish it(,) lose the comma.

This ((trait)) plays a big part in my life and motivates me ((to complete my)) tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and ((pushed me to)) continue playing until now, my senior year.


I don't really no.. I think it's ok. Although you should perhaps focus more on the HOW. How did your mom influence you? Try to make it clear to the addmissions what your mother did to bring you up to be a special person..
Jun 30, 2009, 12:30pm   #3
Other than the trite "lovely lady," you've not described your mother at all. The essay is all about you and what you learned from your mother. If the essay is supposed to be about the influential person, you have to write about your mother herself. If she has been such a positive influence, use this as an opportunity to focus your attention on who she is other than just your mother.
Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest and this lovely lady is my Mom.
^
It is quite unnecessarily verbose. You can reduce it, and get straight to the point. Naturally, there are many people who are influential. However, since you are only focusing on one, it is best to just focus on that one person, which in this case is your mother.

'The one person who has truly influenced my values in my life is my Mother'.
^Naturally, you can rephrase it so it can become a more powerful sentence. However, the point I am making is that perhaps the better approach would be to just get straight to the point, rather than distract the reader with unnecesary information that does not describe a setting or anything; 'though there are many...' is all quite superfluous.


My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has showed shown me that if I want to succeed in anything, the I will have to put my all (all? try and come up with a better vocab word to express yourself and what you feel you must put in) into it and put in the extra time to make sure it is being done to its fullest extent. (I personally think that this part could use some revision)

Another important valuethat she has taught me is that if you are I am going to start something then you will Have to finish itI have to complete it.
This value (I am not sure if it is a value as much as it is a lesson) plays a big part in my life and motivates me with my tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and made it so I could continue playing up until now, my senior year.] motivated me to continue football from my junior years right until my senior years.


You can perhaps discuss what you have learnt from your mother, and develop why these lessons are important to you. You can perhaps discuss your mother in more detail, perhaps add life to her character in your essay, which in turn can allow you to make her appear as powerful in your essay as you believe she is in real life.

I am planning on doing this essay myself. My approach is to describe the influence that the person has had on me in terms of my attitude and mental approach to situations.

I guess the advice on this essay topic can vary. It will be interesting to see what other people think. I have already noted Simone's advice :)
Jun 30, 2009, 04:18pm   #5
EF_Simone:
The essay is all about you and what you learned from your mother.


The essay isn't even particularly good in this regard, either. Your mom taught you dedication and perseverance! Wow!! Even overusing exclamation marks, I can't make that more interesting for you!!!

So, Simone is right -- you should write an original, moving piece that captures the essence of your mother, what makes her unique among women.
Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who has stood out a lot more than the rest, and this influential lady is my mom. My mom has taught me to strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price. She has shown me that if I want to succeed I will have to put my all into my task at hand. Another important Trait she has taught me is that if you are going to start something then you will have to finish it. This trait plays a big part in my life and motivates me to complete my tasks. It is what helped me stay in football my junior year, and made it so I could continue playing up until now, my senior year. My mom has made me a being that not only thinks about my actions, but a being that knows the consequences of my actions. I know from her that for every decision I make there are many possible outcomes, and that I should look at the possible outcomes and weigh them before choosing. She has taught me to approach every problem as an opportunity to learn, and not to be discouraged just because the problem might be big. Though it may sound extremely generic that I talked about my mother, I believe without her core values that she has taught me I would not be this strong minded scholar I am today.

I edited it and added alot more do you think you could critique it again?
Jul 2, 2009, 11:31am   #7
With only 250 words, they don't give you much room to be descriptive (your essay is at 254 words right now). You are going to need to make every word count.

You finish by saying that your mom has made you a strong-minded scholar, but there isn't anything in the body of the essay to indicate HOW she did that. Did she drill you with flash cards before spelling tests? Did she learn calculus so she could help you with your homework? Was she waiting at home with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk when you got home from school?

You have a few more traits in the second essay, but still not a lot of life. Has your mom done things that are above and beyond what a typical mother does? What kinds of roles did she take on that might be out of the range of a typical mom? Is she a single mother (and thus taking on some of the responsibilities of a father as well)? Try to use your words to show how much your mom loves you.

I agree with Liebe's suggestion to get right to the point (Liebe's suggestions and observations are always right on the mark--pay attention to what he has to say). Readers don't need to know that a lot of people influenced your life. We don't want to imagine your first-grade teacher, your Little League coach, the next-door neighbor that paid you to mow the lawn, the parish priest, Barney the purple dinosaur, or your first boss . . . we want to hear about you mom. Obviously you are close to her. State your admiration immediately and succinctly.

With an essay this short, you might want to state your person, give a reason/value/lesson, and then back it up with an example before providing a sentence that wraps things up. Let's see . . . your mom taught you to work hard, finish what you start, to think before you act, and to learn from problems.

My mother has taught me some of the same traits and some that are different. If I were to write an essay of this nature about my mom, it might look something like this:


The most influential person is my life is undoubtedly my mother. She takes the responsibility of raising a son seriously and works diligently to instill values. Education is a priority in our home. When I was young, my mother read to me for hours on end, quizzed me for my weekly spelling tests, and answered my myriad questions. As I grew older, she brought me to the library, provided a quiet place to study, and taught me how to use reference materials to find the answers to questions on my own. Alongside this academic foundation, my mom provided a moral grounding with life lessons designed to teach perseverance and responsibility. Although helping with household repairs felt like a chore, I realize now that I was learning to take care of my own home one day. My mom brought home a ceiling fan once and asked me to install it. The task seemed overwhelming, but my mom insisted that I read the directions, look up helpful hints on the Internet, and gather the needed tools. Within a few hours, we watched the ceiling fan spin around with pride showing on both of our faces. Time spent cooking at my mother's side and sorting out light-colored laundry not only taught me life skills, but enabled me to spend time with my mother and know her better outside of her role as a caretaker. She is an amazing woman and her influence has helped me to be a competent and confident young man.

That came in at exactly 250 words. Even though my mom is not super-human and has not had to overcome any great obstacles in my upbringing, the essay still gives some examples of HOW my mom has taught me and the time/care she has put into her role as mother. My mom has taught me other things (or tried to, *grin*), but I focused on the academics and household chores so that I could give examples.

The people on this thread are trying to push you to give a little more, share some examples, enliven your mom with your words. As it stands, it is a generic essay, but not because you are writing about your mother. It is a generic essay because it is in black and white instead of living color.
Jul 2, 2009, 07:58pm   #8
"with wanting something comes a price"
"I will have to put my all into my task at hand"

These and other generic statements could go in order to make room for what still isn't there: A description of your mother that gives us a sense of her as a person. Is she energetic or laid-back? Soft-spoken or loud? Serious or humorous? Verbose or taciturn?

As it stands, the image that ought to be at the center of this essay is blank.
Jul 4, 2009, 04:43pm   #9
Notoman's sample essay is exactly the sort of model you need to follow when reworking your own. You may still be able to use some of what you've got now, but most of it can be cut. For instance:

Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who has stood out a lot more than the rest, and this influential lady is my mom. My mom has taught me that I must strive for whatever it is that I want, but with wanting something comes a price, She has shown me that if I want to succeed I will must have to put my all into every task at hand I undertake. Another important Trait she has taught me is and that if you are going to start something then you will have to finish it I must always finish what I start.



Home / Undergraduate /

Thread closed ✓