Hi guys,
Would anyone be willing to revise my essays? They're due in a week...
Definitely need to cut out words too
I rewrote my essays. If anyone is willing to give me feedback, I am more than happy to return the favor. Thanks in advance!
1. Please tell us more about your cultural background and identity in the space below (100 word limit). If you need more than 100 words, please use the Optional section on Part 2.
(98 words)
I am Cambodian and represent the first generation to indulge in both American and Cambodian culture. I believe in the strong Cambodian sense of group identity yet appreciate the uniquely American value of independence. Visit our home on December 31, and you'll hear fireworks sounding in the backyard. Yet, visit out home during Khmer New Year in April, and witness the pouring of water over our elderly great-grandfather. Together, the two cultures have greatly influenced my personality and shaped my diverse beliefs into a description that is not indicative of one culture, but rather an embodiment of me.
2. We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words or fewer).
(91 words)
Playing the violin has provided an escape from the literal domain. Ever since attending my first symphonic experience and desperately desiring to become a part of that stage, this unyielding passion has consumed my life and left me ravenous for more. The surprising complexity of the wooden block extends towards a diverse set of paths, lined with endless possibilities literally at the end of my fingertips. The continual quest for betterment, along with the devotion to explore the legacy left by musicians before me, drives the fulfillment of playing the violin.
3. Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (100 words or fewer).
(109 words)
I am claustrophobic- not in the sense that I am afraid of confined spaces, but in the sense that I fear being limited by the knowledge of the current world. I have always been captivated by the mysteriousness of the universe- how it desires to be explored, captured in its essence, and understood for its entirety. MIT's Aerospace department would allow me to expand my awareness of my surroundings and prepare for the emerging future of aerospace technology. The unique opportunities and intellectually stimulating environment would not only satisfy my eagerness in working with technology, but also provide more insights into the outside world that seems incomprehensible yet remains attainable.
4. What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (200-250 words).
(303 words)
My mother criticizes me for crying easily. I wept when I witnessed my neighbor helping his son learn to walk, when my brother had neck surgery, and at the ending of Toy Story 3. Yet, this capability to feel and sympathize with others does not make me ashamed at all. Rather, I find it my most endearing quality- the ability to show compassion. In the past, I have shared a meal with a homeless woman, listened to my classmate about her family troubles, and stopped to smile at a stranger who looked a bit down. In each situation, I hoped to shift some of their burdens and provide both physical and emotional support.
Amidst our increasingly vulgar and insensitive society, I stop to observe people whose eyes contrast their lively disposition, listen to the unheard voice screaming for help, and inquire the next step to finding a cure for inhumane indifference. This compassion stems from the time I witnessed a man pay for the groceries of an elderly couple behind him. With no reason or recognition, the man assisted the couple purely out of good will. That day, he spoke a word of truth that I will never forget: "compassion is motivated action without reason." And to this day, I set out to be just like that man.
In addition to uplifting others, I have dramatically transformed my outlook on life. No longer do I read the news for the tragedy and destruction that make for appealing news stories; rather, I focus on the positive ones that reaffirm my optimistic perspective of humanity and its kindness. This desire to help others has prompted me to focus mainly on local communal support yet consider immersing myself in service around the globe. Through the lens of compassion, the world seems a smaller, less threatening place.
6. Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation? (200-250 words).
(282 words)
My sweet tooth almost made me a statistic.
At a young age, I learned that sugar made everything taste better. I dumped mounds of sugar in my tea, doused my asparagus in maple syrup, and dipped my French fries in ice cream. Sugar was the best friend that rewarded me for my accomplishments, never left my side, and always relieved my problems. Even when my father was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I found sugar's temptation too hard to resist. It came to be such a problem that instead of the usually turkey sandwich for lunch, I was buying ice cream sandwiches to please my taste buds.
But then, I stopped. I looked at my father closely for the first time after his diagnosis, and I saw it. The pain, the yearning, the regret. The physical pain he experiences when he accidently eats too many carbs, the yearning for one more chance at a normal life, and the regret for letting his addiction go too far. I refused to end up like my father: a statistic to Diabetes- just another case of a bad diet gone wrong.
That day began my love of cooking. Instead of searching for satisfaction in sugar, I now gain fulfillment in cooking and acknowledging how the right spice can completely transform a dish. I have traded my ice cream sandwiches for spinach salads, maple syrup on my asparagus for freshly squeezed lemon, and my vulnerability for a newfound sense of self-discipline. Though I had lost a once precious friend, I have gained a new lifestyle, a new outlook, and a new appreciation for health. Though I still enjoy the occasional cookie, my sweet tooth no longer defines me.
Essay #1 It flows nicely and reads well, think about replacing one of these(preferably the first one), "Cambodian magazines next to books by John Steinbeck, peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a side of coconut rice pudding" with a Cambodian and American tradition your family celebrates. It could add a lot your essay; diversity, excitement, teaches the reader about your culture
Essay #2 Perfect
Essay #3 Really well written! Critiques: I would change or delete the word "awareness", the essay is a 10/10 in the first few sentences, but seems to decline a little as it goes on, try to rethink, what you might want to say in your last two
Essay #4 "This compassion stems from the time I witnessed a man pay for the groceries of an elderly couple behind him. . .I set out to be just like that man." I know this may be a very important part of your life, but because the word limit is so small, it is very hard to convey its importance and the emotion behind it also it somewhat distracts from the rest of the essay, so in my opinion I would leave it out
Essay #6 If you can find room, Go into a little more detail about how you stopped. was it just instantaneous? was it really challenging? did you throw away all of the sweets you had?
Amazing Job Overall! I learned a lot from your writing! GoodLuck!
ps: sorry for any typos/incorrect grammer
Hey I'm applying to MIT as well! Your essays look really polished, and you definitely exhibit strong writing skills.
Essay 1: you could probably cut out words by condensing the first and last sentences. The last sentences is full of big words and big ideas, but could be rather ambiguous - I know I do this a lot too haha. Condense the meaning; your message will be clearer and your reader will be thankful.
Essay 2: overall, pretty solid. Could be made better in the same way as the first - lots of abstract ideas but not as much concrete details. In your first essay, you provide images of the magazines and PB&J sandwiches, which are awesome. Try to do that with the violin as well!
Essay 3: Love this one. In my opinion it's fine as it is :)
Essay 4: Has a great message - I would say that the middle paragraph with the old man is unnecessary. you already provide many examples of your compassion for others; demonstrating the root of that compassion does very little other than consume precious words. Also, the ending of this kinda contradicts your wish to study Aerospace technology.
Essay 6: "Even when my father was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I found sugar's temptation too hard to resist. It came to be such a problem that instead of the usually turkey sandwich for lunch, I was buying ice cream sandwiches to please my taste buds." You already have so many concrete examples, that these are not necessary. Possibly incorporate your father's diagnosis in the second paragraph somewhere. I would also work a bit on the ending to improve the flow and chop down on some words. You also repeat "Though" twice
Good job and good luck!
