Hello everyone. Please, help me to improve this essay: after month of editing it still looks slightly vague, especially at the beginning. Help me, and I will help you if you want to improve your essays.
I was thinking about the essay near week, and, on graduation, looking on my classmates who talked about their future, I abruptly understood what I can write about. It is, how my friend said about me, "frightening competence". My ability to plan and, as far as possible, to control my life according to my purpose eventually made me what I am. Of course, "time and chance happeneth to them all", but it is my understanding what should be done, and what should not, and intuitive sense of proper time to do proper things that is the reason for most of my successes. I have flaws and did mistakes that led to new mistakes and so on. Nevertheless, I always followed decisions I made without regards, and it helped me greatly. For example, I was only third by my points among 10th grade participants of the Ukrainian chemistry olympiad two years ago, and there were plenty of well-trained 11th grade participants. That is why doubts and uncertainty were haunting me during examinations to form a team for the international olympiad. But I found inner strength not to yield to these feelings, and, when the team was established, I was a part of it.
I was thinking about the essay near week, and, on graduation, looking on my classmates who talked about their future, I abruptly understood what I can write about. It is, how m -- I think you should not include the comment about how long you were thinking about what to write. That part is not an important part of transmitting the message of the essay. When writing an essay, there is one important truth worth sharing - some great idea that is worthy of a long explanation in the formal essay. Therefore, it's great if you make every sentence count and make every sentence a part of your effort to share this great idea with the reader. What is the great idea?
My friend said about me, "He has frightening competence." ----- Make the first sentence of your essay like this, and it will be very intriguing. I think this is how the essay should begin.
Of course, "Time and chance happeneth to them all"--- When you use quotation marks like this in the middle of a sentence, capitalized first letter of the part inside the quotation marks.
This will be great if you identify the important, interesting idea you are sharing with the reader and add a sentence at the end of the essay to help emphasize that idea. : )
It is great already! Just I agree with EF_Kevin to scratch the first sentence. It looks quite unappealing and spoils the surprise of the "My friend once said..."
Secondly, I think you could be a little more, cheerful, you know, when declaring your chemistry Olympiad. You could mention more clearly how you beat those well trained 11 graders. Otherwise it is absolutely fine. Hope I wasn't rude as well...
I agree with Airborne Ranger, you should mention your accomplishment in IChO more clearly and cheerfully, it should be the main attraction of your profile that will impress the admission officers at MIT (honestly, I'm impressed).
Do you have e-mail? Maybe we can help each other in this MIT application. I'm also applying to MIT this year, planning to major in Computer Science.
Hope the best for our application :)
Melati
Hi. There is a new version of the essay. Please, check this one; any criticism is warmly welcomed.
This one is better than the original one, it flows better and also emphasize more on your good characteristics. Your conclusion sentence will also be a good zinger. However, your conclusion sentence is still wrongly punctuated.
Due to this experience I proved myself worthy of my modus operandi: plan crucial things beforehand and do what needs to be done, casting emotions and fear aside, because this is the best way to bring my dream closer to reality.
it should be :
... plan crucial things beforehand, do what needs to be done, and cast emotions and fear aside because this is the best way to bring my dream closer to reality
As for the structure aspect and stuff, I'm in no capacity to judge. I suggest you to consult your essay to someone who have knowledge in writing / making arguments. I did too, and it helped :)
