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Merging onto the Highway, my sign of independence -University of Richmond


answers: 6
Deadline is today, would greatly appreciate help

PROMPT: Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you? MAX: Two pages double spaced

I know this essay is not the greatest, but I could really use some grammar tips and how I can improve the content of the piece.

SEE BELOW

Jan 15, 2011, 04:15pm   #2
line 1: anticipating for since

Paragraph 3 : increasing the speed of the car, and increasing the rate of my heartbeat. (that's a little more clear.)

Last paragraph: "I look upon this experience to how I live my life now." Unclear....

Work on the last paragraph more; it needs some work.

I enjoyed your essay! (Have my license too! lol I know the feeling)
Fixed up my conclusion a bit:

I had finally received my sign of independence in the mail. The ability to drive without parental supervision was something I had been anticipating since the start of my high school career. As for most teenagers, the driver's license signifies the beginning of truly becoming independent of parental care. Upon the first week of receiving this liberty, I tried utilizing it to the best of my potential. Whenever a simple chore needed to be done, such as dropping off a sibling at practice, buying some groceries, or even getting pizza, I immediately volunteered since I could not overcome the sensation of driving. Being a novice to the driving world, I was anxious to test my new limits. I was given such a chance as my Dad allowed me to drive where compliance to driving laws was non-existent, the highway.

Previously, I had only driven in places in which I was comfortable and familiar with, such as the high school, the hospital where I volunteered, and Wendy's. However, the driving scenario on the highway is nothing like the localities I often drove to. My dad had warned me the dangers of the highway, the necessary alertness and concentration required to avoid any sudden mistakes. Due to this I was surprised when my dad allowed me to drive back home after dropping my brother off at college. I had seen the route several times and knew much of it was traveling straight on the highway, something I could easily accomplish.

Driving closer and closer to the actual highway, I came into realization that there
was an essential part of driving in the highway that seemed to slip my mind; merging onto the highway. In the several books I read to learn how to drive, merging onto the highway was labeled as a difficult task, and thus something that would surely take me out of my comfort zone. I grew more and more nervous as to what I was expected to do. Taking a left turn, I caught my first glimpse of the glaring influx of traffic whizzing by. As I began increasing the speed of the car, the rate of my heart beating was increasing as well. I realized the impending dangers to come if any mistake was executed on my part. Practicing everything I read, I worked systematically. Turning on my left hand signal, checking my side view mirror, and then jolting my head back to check the blind spots, I quickly swerved into the highway. When the realization came to me that I had successfully completed the task at large, a sense of relief overwhelmed me.

I returned home that day with more than a self sense of accomplishment, but a new perspective on my future. Leaving my comfort zone in this experience has surely impacted to how I choose my actions today. I see that leaving my security blanket is the only way in which I can grow as an individual. Constantly challenging myself and experiencing new situations is the only way I can reach my true potential. It is because of this reasoning as to why I decided to take the hardest courses available at my high school, obtain leadership positions in my extracurricular activities, and push myself to the best of my ability. If I had never left the common road to merge onto the highway, the car would no longer travel and proceed to my destination. Thus, if I never leave my comfort zone, I would never proceed to the future.
"non-existant, the highway." I would change the comma to a colon

"Due to this" I would say therefore instead

"in the highway" I think you meant "on the highway" probably just a typo, but you don't want typos on your admissions essay!

"executed" means put into action, which I don't think is quite what you are trying to say.

good luck at UR! I applied early decision, apparently they have had the most competitive admissions year ever! I wish you the best, if you are applying there you are probably a very smart girl with a bright future.
Jan 21, 2011, 09:51pm   #7
I'm sorry I did not get to participate before the deadline, but I'll give my ideas anyway for whatever they are worth.

The first paragraph is about something very common and boring. Can you make it unique somehow?

I was given such a chance as my Dad allowed me to drive where compliance to with driving laws was non-existent, the highway.

This whole essay seems to be all about learning to drive and feeling a sense of accomplishment from it. But couldn't most kids write this same essay if they have learned to drive? The essay is not about what it should be about.

I think you should, if you work with this essay again, scrap everything except this part:
an essential part of driving in the highway that seemed to slip my mind; merging onto the highway.----Use this as a jumping off point, and write an essay that uses merging onto the highway as a metaphor for something.

:-)



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