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How to measure a success - App. Essay


answers: 3
I already wrote an essay but it certainly won't fit in other essay prompt. I wrote another one..

Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes. Simple doings do lead to change, like putting a smile on an orphan's face, be there for an old friend who needs you or to simply treat your younger brother well for a week. These would make a huge effect if made by many, and these are the kind of activities I try to include in my daily life. However, I am aiming at giving the world something to remember me with, and to make a massive accomplishment under a name of a woman, a Saudi Muslim woman.

I have been always a huge fan of Powerpuff Girls when I was younger, and I've always wanted to be the forth Powerpuff. Perhaps I found that cartoon appealing because females were starring in it, and they were the ones responsible of everything. I still want to be a woman super hero, and I believe I can by tackling different issues at the same time. I can correct Islam's misrepresentatives' mistakes just by holding on to my beliefs and beautify my personality by the morals of a Muslim individual, and by satisfying today's needs as much as I am capable of. On the day of 11th of September, 2001, terrorists, whom might be Muslims, gave the world something terrifying for them to remember. I want to give the world something as shocking, only beneficial. This leads me to the next problem: the scarce sources of energy, and saving the environment. I am willing to utilize my education to take a next step toward relying on renewable energy sources. By succeeding in my life goal, it would be a challenge for the issue of women's empowerment, as women would realize that we do not wait for chances to make use of, instead, we make our own chances.

It would require lots of effort and work, as well as the best quality of education which I am going after. I am concerned about the huge dependence on oil in this world, especially in my country. Running out of oil would cause a huge damage in our country's economy, which might send us back to tents and on camels. The major I desire was chosen not only for my affection toward chemistry, but also for the reason that I chose to think about individuals other than myself for a change. Not that I never thought of others, but such a major decision in my life that requires dedication and continuation was never given for the sake of someone else before. I will never consider myself successful if I lived for myself, and I never want to be known for anything but making a positive change in this world.



Thanks for all the help.. This place is amazing

Jul 1, 2009, 10:17am   #
The message of this piece gets lost in the extra verbiage.

For example:
I have been always a huge fan of Powerpuff Girls when I was younger, and I've always wanted to be the forth Powerpuff.


Here "I have always" and "when I was younger" are redundant and also somewhat contradictory, as "when I was younger" is included in "always" but suggests that the wish is past, rather than continuing. Either way, the sentence is repetitive.

Go through the whole piece, setting yourself the challenge of saying only what you absolutely must say in as few words as possible. Post your revision for further feedback.
Simple doings do lead to change, like putting a smile on an orphan's face, be there for an old friend who needs you or to simply treat your younger brother well for a week.
^what change does putting a smile on an orphan's face bring? Or what change does any of the other examples bring?


'I have been always a huge fan of Powerpuff Girls when I was younger,
*(always been, but then you say 'when I was younger', which kind of implies that only when you were younger but yet you say 'always?' REVISE'

and I've always wanted to be the forth Powerpuff. Perhaps I found that cartoon appealing because females were starring in it, and they were the ones responsible of everything'
^What 'perhaps'. Be certain.


'I can correct Islam's misrepresentatives' mistakes just by holding on to my beliefs and beautify my personality by the morals of a Muslim individual, and by satisfying today's needs as much as I am capable of.'
^Unnecessary sentence. It is bad enough it is unclear as to what you are trying to say. It is also unfair to think that you can erase the misconceptions of Islamic radicals just by sticking to your morals, beautifying your personality, and satisfying...'today's needs?'
It is a much bigger mission that that.
Also, given the context, perhaps the word 'morals' should be removed. Morality is highly debatable, and perhaps what you think is decent, may not be for another community. If I were you, remove this sentence. It's message and meaning are ineffective and to some extent, wrong and unclear.



'On the day of 11th of September, September 11th 2001, terrorists, whom might be Muslims, gave the world something terrifying for them to remember.
^The terrorists....gave the world something terrifying so that these terrorists can remember it? World is singular, so it should be 'it'.


I want to give the world something as shocking, only beneficial.
^Woah. Thank goodness you said 'only beneficial'. However, I am not sure if this sentence should be there. I think it should be rephrased. See what the moderators and other contributors think.
I do not think it is right to have an analogy with something such as Septermber 11th, even if you are trying to compare it with a good cause.


This leads me to the next problem: the scarce sources of energy, and saving the environment.
^The concept of terrorism led you to the next problem, which is the scarcity of energy sources?? REVISE.

I am willing to utilize my education to take a next step toward relying on renewable energy sources.
^Revise

By succeeding in my life goal, (WHAT IS YOUR LIFE GOAL?) it would be a challenge for the issue of women's empowerment, as women would realize that we do not wait for chances to make use of, instead, we make our own chances.
^Where did women empowerment come from. To be honest, women have made their own chances in the past. I understand that perhaps in Saudi Arabia, there is the general feeling that women are oppressed, however you can relate this to the global scale. The Democratic Party saw a women as a Presidential Candidate, and she took the opportunities to get there as well as where she is now.


It would require lots of effort and work, as well as the best quality of education which I am going after.
^
Does the quality of education matter? Or do opportunities presented matter instead?

I am concerned about the huge dependence on oil in this world, especially in my country. Running out of oil would cause a huge damage to our country's economy, which mightcould send us back to tents and on camels.
^
I personally think that is an invalid point (the camels and tents). I do not think Saudi only relies on oil for it's revenue. Saudi also makes considerable revenue from Hajj and Umra visits. Furthermore, Saudi has vast oil supplies. It will be a while till they are depleted.
This point kind of reflects immature thinking. Even if there is no oil, do you really think that the Saudi people will have to abandon their housing and have to settle in tents?


The major I desire was chosen I have chosen is not only for my affection toward chemistry, but also for the reason that I chose to think about individuals other than myself for a change. Not that I never thought of others, but such a major decision in my life that requires dedication and continuation was never given for the sake of someone else before. I will never consider myself successful if I lived for myself, and I never want to be known for anything but making a positive change in this world.

**Are you applying for an Undergrad course? If so, realistically, I am skeptical as to whether just an undergrad degree is capable enough to influence change and do anything to really change.
Also, by studying Chemistry, how do you hope to resolve the oil dependence issue? Do you plan on, perhaps, researching ways to find efficient and alternate sources of energy?
To link it with your definition of success, what positive outcome or effects do you expect to see, or create. If you do talk about research and bla bla, then also realise that the costs are astronomical, and perhaps this money, although cause worthy, could have been used to benefit people who are severely impoverished. Basically, your research projects will cost a lot and help people in the future ahead, even though all that money could have been used to help people in the present. That is a negative influence. That defies your definition of success. Perhaps I went off on a tangent here :P


Anyways, it takes a lot more than just an undergrad with a degree from a fancy University to be able to do something.
Jul 2, 2009, 06:34pm   #
Yep, verbiage aplenty here. (Isn't "extra verbiage" redundant?) In any event, try to say what you want to say using fewer words. For instance:

Before: "Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes. Simple doings do lead to change, like putting a smile on an orphan's face, be there for an old friend who needs you or to simply treat your younger brother well for a week. These would make a huge effect if made by many, and these are the kind of activities I try to include in my daily life. However, I am aiming at giving the world something to remember me with, and to make a massive accomplishment under a name of a woman, a Saudi Muslim woman."

After: "I try to include in my daily life activities such as putting a smile on an orphan's face, being there for an old friend who needs me, or simply treating my younger brother well. However, while all of these minor action improve the world, I hope to accomplish something bigger with my life."

Do something similar with your other paragraphs, then re-post for more feedback.



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