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Of all the activities, in our outside of school, soccer holds the most meaning to me


dannyfwk 2 / 4  
Dec 8, 2009   #1
This is what I have so far:

Of all the activities, in our outside of school, soccer holds the most meaning to me. I have been playing soccer since the age of six and most certainly love it. I have played on many successful and rewarding soccer clubs, and have competed for four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer. I have attended several prestigious soccer academies during both summer and my school year. The reason why soccer is so meaningful to me is because it makes me feel good while i am playing and i seem to forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be homework or an important essay. To me, soccer is a metaphor of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it, achievement being due to hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. Soccer has helped me grow as a person and I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.

Please tell me what you think..Be critical!

Thanks
Sayeemin 1 / 5  
Dec 8, 2009   #2
dannyfwk

" Of all activities, in or outside of school " not our ...
"and have completed for four years " cut out "for"

you can also add
"Soccer appeals to me the most since it gives me the most in the form of inspiration, it enlightens in me the passion i have for life"

Hope i could help
OP dannyfwk 2 / 4  
Dec 8, 2009   #3
Thanks for replying

I totally agree with you. I just might add something like that in.

Do you think theres anything i dont have to mention in my short essay, somehting i can take out?

Thanks :)
NightRaven 1 / 11  
Dec 8, 2009   #4
Whoa, pretty deep stuff there, man. xD Here's a few additions, tho:

Out of all the activities, in and outside of our school, soccer holds the most meaning to me. I have been playing soccer since the age of six and most certainly love it. I have played on in many successful and rewarding soccer clubs, and have competed for four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer. [This sentence could be shortened, since it's a run-on: I have played in many successful and rewarding soccer clubs. I have also, competed four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer.] I have attended several prestigious soccer academies during both summer, and my school year. The reason why soccer is so meaningful to me is because it makes me feel good while i [should be capatalized] am playing and i [should also be capataplized] seem to forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be homework or an important essay. To me, soccer is athe metaphor of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it, achievement being due to hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. Soccer has helped me grow as a person and I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.

- "To me, soccer is a metaphor of life." Shouldn't it be "similie"? since metaphors are used to refer to things that do not suggest a similarity. Similie is used to refer to similarities between two things.

- Great conclusion! ^_^
- By the way, you can add a whole lot to that. How your team mates supported you throughout? Why did you choose soccer in the first place? Where? How did you learn the basics? How were those clubs rewarding? Etc etc. Try your best!
OP dannyfwk 2 / 4  
Dec 8, 2009   #5
Thank you so much Night Raven I really appreciate it..

being that this is just a short answer i can only have a max of 150 words, and im already there.. i really want to elaborate on some things i just dont have room.

Is there anything i should take out? Maybe i should just turn this into a regular essay..
what do you think?

Thanks :)
NightRaven 1 / 11  
Dec 9, 2009   #6
Out of all the activities, in and outside of our school, soccer holds the most meaning to me. I have been playing soccer since the age of six and most certainly love it. I have played in many successful and rewarding soccer clubs. I have also, competed four years of exciting and vigorous varsity soccer. I have attended several prestigious soccer academies during both summer, and my school year the years.. The reason why soccer is so meaningful to me is because it makes me feel good while I am playing and I seem to forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be homework or an important essay. To me, soccer is a the similie of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it, achievements being from hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. Soccer has helped me grow as a person and I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.

- I doubt you'd need "and rewarding" since you've already stated that their successful. Which should tell the reader the same thing.

- Don't really need to say, "both summer and school year" since it's the same thing has a whole year.
dingpx - / 11  
Dec 9, 2009   #7
Generally very good. Keep on trying.

Want to mention a little. Basically you are on the right track of doing a good college essay, story to philosophy, haha. But take care of the connection.

Before you come to conclusion:
It represents life the way most of the world sees it, achievement being due to hard wor k, but impacted by uncertainties . Soccer has helped me grow as a person and I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.

You have to show what is in your conclusion. From start to middle you just said how you love soccor and showed great enthusiasm towards the thing you are interested in, which I can see through every word. But build connections with your conclusion. How hard you tried, what uncertainties happened and how severely you were influenced and then stand up again.

Hope best progress. Cheers.

BonoD from China. visit my blog hi.baidu.com/dingpengxiang
OP dannyfwk 2 / 4  
Dec 9, 2009   #8
Thanks Dingpx

I have made some corrections and changed some things around. heres what i have so far:

Out of all the activities I have pursued, soccer holds the most meaning to me. Ever since the age of six, soccer has been my passion. Exciting and vigorous varsity soccer has marked my last four years of high school. I have played on many successful soccer clubs and have attended several prestigious soccer academies. Soccer is meaningful to me is because it provides an outlet; While I am playing, I forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be school or family issues. To me, soccer is the metaphor of life. It represents life the way most of the world sees it: achievements being due to hard work, but impacted by uncertainties. I hope to continue playing throughout my college experience, not only to make it more meaningful, but because if fulfills me as a person.
bhan_msm 3 / 11  
Dec 20, 2009   #9
first of all ,I think that this essay wont be accepted since it is more than 150 words.Even I am having the same problem.You should probably cut out on some extra phrases like this one.

The reason why soccer is so meaningful to me is because it makes me feel good while i am playing and i seem to forget about the pressures of everyday life, whether it be homework or an important essay.

I love soccer as it makes me feel good and lets me forget all my worries about everyday life,be it homework or an important essay.

Doing the same to to every line will make your answer shorter and more attractive


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