This is one of many essays--the longest--that ive written for my college apps. Please read and share your opinion about it. Thanks!
In life we are presented with innumerable obstacles. An example of this is fear. Being afraid to face an impediment is very common in many situations, especially difficult encounters. Essentially, the world is divided into two groups of people: those who have the will to face the challenges that will be presented during the course of their lives, and those who are too afraid to confront them. The ability to face these barriers, other people, or sometimes even ourselves is developed with experiences where an individual must find a way to deal with a dilemma that won't let the individual accomplish a task or a mission in life.
The capacity of overcoming these barriers is measured with the abilities that I have developed in my life. When I first got to SJNMA, last January, my English was not as good as it is right now. There was an obvious lack of communication and understanding between the teachers and I. Therefore, I could not express myself very well. Sometimes they couldn't understand what I was trying to say. That was the first barrier I had to deal with. I live in an environment where everyone speaks English. It wasn't easy at the beginning, other students laughed at me when the teacher asked me to read a text from a book or when I tried to explain something. But I didn't care, because failure is not an option for me. I knew what my goal was and nothing would interfere with what I wanted. Months passed and I got better and better. I decided to take a course of English during summer which helped me improve my ability in reading and writing. Now that I am in English 4, I feel comfortable reading books that are more difficult to read as well as writing papers about them.
At the beginning of this school year I was invited to join Cadre, a military training program designed to provide and give structure to the leaders of the Corps of Cadets. One of the most difficult challenges was the obstacle course. We were assigned to do it with the intention of testing our problem-solving abilities.
I was one of the first members of the group to finish the task, but one of the team members was stuck on an obstacle. As a unit we had to help each other. I managed to encourage him, but he denied that he had the skill or ability to get through the obstacle. He could not see what I could. I was looking at an individual with all the necessary tools to overcome the obstacle but he was blinded by his fear. I had to come up with something that would ignite motivation in him. The first thing that came up to my mind was: "Cadet, this is an example of an obstacle that you are going to have to face within the course of your life. Believe that you are strong enough to conquer your fear and overcome this obstacle." Instantly, I could see the motivation in his eyes. He was no longer afraid of the wall, and did not doubt his abilities anymore.
Obstacles exist and we all have the capacity to overcome them; it's only a matter of will.
Can someone write their opinion of my essay, and perhaps correct anything that needs to be corrected? Thanks!
The first paragraph adds nothing to the essay. Cut it.
Cut the first sentence of the second paragraph and start with a sentence that takes a clear position on the question: I believe that obstacles can be overcome by anyone with sufficient will to do so.
It wasn't easy at the beginning. Other students laughed at me when the teacher asked me to read a text or explain a concept.
At the beginning of this school year, I was invited to join Cadre, a program for the leaders of the Corps of Cadets. To test our problem-solving abilities, the commander split us into teams and made the teams compete for the best time on an obstacle course. Although I completed the course quickly, one of the members of my team did not. He could not get over the 14-foot wall. He was filled with fear and doubt. I knew that he could do it, and I and my other team mates shouted encouragement to him. He found the will to climb and conquered the wall.
There is always a way around, over, or under life's obstacles if we have the will to find it.
Good luck.
The first paragraph adds nothing to the essay. Cut it.
I think I understand the idea, here. Often, it is good to cut the first para if the essay takes a minute to get meaningful. But I would actually suggest something like this:
In life we are presented with innumerable obstacles. An example of this is fear. Being afraid to face an impediment is very common in many situations, especially difficult encounters . Essentially, the world is divided into two groups of people: those who have the...
That makes for an interesting start. And then, you can make up for what I cut by adding a brilliant, awesome thesis statement to the end of that first paragraph. Google this: how to write thesis statement
It will be the most powerful sentence in the whole essay.
The capacity of overcoming these barriers is
measured with reflected in the abilities that I have developed in my life.
:-)
Nice job!
Thanks a lot EF_Kevin and EricJ for your help. :)
Im also working on a different essay. However, this one is for a summer program admission. Its shorter.. hope you can give it a look and tell me what you think. Thanks!
Why do you wish to enroll in the Summer Academy of architecture?
I will form part of an undergraduate program of architecture next year, although, I have little experience in this area, I'm sure its what I want to do for my career. Art has been one of my favorite subjects since I was a kid. I think the fact I was raised by two artists, my father and my mother, plays a big role in the interest I acquired for art throughout my childhood. Although, art is divided in many branches, I didn't know which one to choose for my career, until last year. I was in ethics class and the teacher showed the class a video, which showed major characteristics of environmental issues. From that moment I decided I want to dedicate my life to design buildings which look good for the human eye, and more important, that respect the nature in the environment where they are built.
The key for an endurable life is to live with the nature, not apart of it.
I wish to enroll in the Summer Academy because I believe it will be a great opportunity to develop great skills in designing, and to use my creativity to work on the projects that teachers will assign to me as well. I want to prove myself of what I'm capable to do. Just like many people, I have initiative to start a project. What makes me different from others is the fact that I have the discipline to follow every step, taking in count every necessary detail, until the project is concluded.
I'm open to learn new things from the teachers, therefore come up with my own ideas, give them shape and save them just in case I need them for an assignment in a future event.
I want to prepare myself as much as I can for college, and nothing would be better than working in an environment where everyone who is working there has the same interests as me.
I had no idea what a thesis statement was. Thanks for the help! :)
I would like to attend the summer program because I am interested in a career as an architect. Don't say that you have little experience in the area. It's truthful, but does not help your case.
My parents are both artists, so I have always been interested in art and design. My interest in architecture was sparked by a video that one of my teachers showed. The video showed designers creating buildings that looked good and blended with the environment. I would like to design buildings that accomplish the purpose they were built for but also blend with the environment.
The summer program will give me a chance to use my creativity and demonstrate what I can do. Please admit me to the program. It does not hurt to ask for what you want.
This sentence makes no sense to me: The key for an endurable life is to live with the nature, not apart of it.
Maybe: The key to a sustainable future is for people to live in harmony with nature, not apart from it.
I don't think you should go down the path of saying what sets you apart form the other applicants is that you actually have the discipline to do each step and finish projects. You won't get far running down the other people applying. Stay positive. Do you think that none of them ever finish anything?
If you keep that sentence it should not read taking in count . It should be taking account
Good luck, Lorenzo.
Eric
This sentence is a little convoluted:
Although, art is divided in many branches, I didn't know which one to choose for my career, until last year. Last year, I discovered my artistic specialization during an ethics class when the teacher showed a video involving environmental issues. ----Look at how many words I was able to remove from this sentence. Simplify whenever you can.
:-)
From that moment I decided I want to dedicate my life to designing buildings which look good for the human eye, and more important, that respect the nature in the environment where they are built.----Maybe you should write "in a way that is respectful to..." because the buildings cannot respect anything... But they can be built in a way that is respectful.
The key for an endurable life is to live with the nature, not a part of it.
I want to prepare myself as much as I can for college, and nothing would be better than working in an environment where everyone who is working there has the same interests as me.
Don't say that you have little experience in the area. It's truthful, but does not help your case.
I thought the same thing but I left it that way because the summer program is for people who have little to no background in architecture. Should I still cut it off the essay or leave it that way?
Thanks for the help :)
Thanks, Kevin. I really appreciate your advice. I will make the habit to simplify my sentences and paragraphs whenever is necessary. :)
Hello Lorenzo,
I'm continuing + adding some stuff from Kevin's suggestions. Hope it helps :)
From that moment, I decided I want to dedicate my life to designing buildings which are not only aesthetically eye pleasing but more importantly integrates well with the context in a way that is respectful to the nature.
I want to prepare myself as much as I can for college, and nothing would be better than being in an environment where everyone has the same interest as it promotes exchange of ideas which will be beneficial to the learning process.
When you get into architectural school, I suggest you polish up on architectural vocabs :p it helps a lot during presentation. All the best!
Thanks for your suggestions! :)
I already got accepted, but I will definitely use your advice for future presentations.
