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'Malaria' -Common app essay - experience at a Nigerian hospital which changed my life


tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Nov 10, 2012   #1
500 word max (this is exactly 500)
prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The summer of my freshmen year, I followed Dr. Akin around for a few weeks at Royan Hospital in Lagos Nigeria. We saw numerous patients but there was one that I will never forget.

As we walked into the hospital room, my eyes met a young girl, around my age, sitting on the examination table. As the adults spoke, the girl sat motionlessly then all of a sudden, she glanced over at me and began to cry.

After we left the room Dr. Akin told me the girl, Bola, had a bacterial infection called Actinomycosis, but due to poor conditions her village, she also had Cerebral Malaria. "Sadly, she wont be able to go back to school," he said. "She was an exceptional student. In her home there is an entire cabinet dedicated solely to her awards and certificates, everything from music to science. I have met many talented students but she was truly gifted. She would have accomplished extraordinary things."

Would have. Those words burned deeply in my mind the entire summer. Why did it have to be would have? This young girl could have grownup to be something great; if only she lived in a better environment, if only she lived the life I lived. Bola was undoubtedly upset that day I met her; however, I believe the reason she began to cry so suddenly when she looked at me, was because I reminded her of herself, or rather, I reminded her of who she used to be.

For the first time I realized just how lucky I was to live in the United States, but still my heart ached for Bola. Two days later, my family and I left Lagos, Nigeria, for the long journey back to the good ol' U. S. of A. While on the plane, I thought of her and how she had aspirations just like me, but had them all ripped away in that hospital room. I realized that with good health, knowledge, and dedication I had the whole world in the palm of my hand, just waiting for me to make a move. So somewhere over the Atlantic ocean, at 30,000 feet, I decided I would become a doctor. I would dedicate my life to every person who ever had their dreams crushed in a hospital room.

It truly pains me to know that there are children all over the world who will never get a chance to experience the wonders of their childhood. I strongly believe that everyone, especially children, deserve a beautiful life and sickness should never hold anyone back from their full potential. I pursue a career in healthcare because I desire more than anything, to create a better future by saving lives and saving dreams in the special way only healthcare professionals can. I have worked extra hard all through high school to achieve this noble dream and I know that with hard work and the memory of that poor girl, my dream will become reality.
blquandt 9 / 23  
Nov 10, 2012   #2
Wow. That was brilliant. Flat-out brilliant.
Just a few grammatical changes to polish it:

~Change "of" to "following" in the first sentence
~Consider changing "numerous" to "many" and do change "that" to who" in the second sentence
~Make "motionlessly" into an adjective by taking off the -ly. It will sound better.
~Take out "then all of a sudden," and replace it with "until". Remove the word "over" later in the sentence

~Your third and fourth sentences both begin with "As". Change one of those to another word or phrase
~Consider changing "ripped" (when talking about Bola's dreams) to torn
~Cut out "So" before you say "somewhere over the Atlantic". "So", in this case, is unnecessary
~Rephrase "experience the wonders of their childhood"; it sounds a little weird
~Possibly add "want to" between "I" and "pursue" when discussing your aspirations
~In your concluding sentence, change "extra hard all through" to "hard throughout", cut out the word "noble" (it sounds boastful)

~Divide your last sentence in two by adding a period after "dream". You'll need to cut out the word "and", too.

Also, you might want to add some context as to why you were following a doctor in Africa.

This may be the most well-thought-out, most moving college essay I have ever read. Good job.
OP tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Nov 10, 2012   #3
Thank you sooo much! I really appreciate the compliment as well as the help. I added all your corrections and it sounds a lot better. Thanks again, your a blessing!!!
blquandt 9 / 23  
Nov 11, 2012   #4
Glad to help. You should post your revised version, a second editing session can't hurt.
blquandt 9 / 23  
Nov 23, 2012   #5
Fantastic, much better. Just a few more things that I missed the first time:

~Consider italicizing "Would have" when it starts off a paragraph and the next time it is used after that.
~Consider rephrasing the "good ol' U. S. of A." part to make it more formal.

Sorry it took so long to get back to the essay.
OP tutu51595 6 / 19 3  
Nov 29, 2012   #6
I already sent the essay but thats ok i did italicize "would have" it just didnt show here. Thanks again though! you've been an immense help.


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