"Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :)

TOPIC: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
For ivies... It doesn't stand out, what should I add/revise? (also, grammatical revision would be great too :D)
Thanks! :)

I had had no interest in English whatsoever. It was something foreign and peripheral to me. Then I encountered these twenty-two words-"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Private Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." I immediately realized that my perfectly normal life was about to change. English had me hooked. As I was reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, I wanted to learn more about this exotic language and its different culture. My passion didn't stall. Before I knew it, I was already in the Seattle Tacoma Airport, where my host family greeted me.

However, my anticipation and passion were overwhelmed by great cultural shock; the language barrier exacerbated the situation. Compared to my family that I was used to living with, my host family was on the opposite side of the spectrum. They valued independence-I was expected to cook, clean, and provide my own transportation.

Substantial amount of difficulties accosted me. First of all, counting aside the fact that they were vegetarians, I simply did not know how to cook. My attempts to cook something edible had always ended up with instant noodles. Consequently, I developed an eating disorder. However, I comforted myself, as the school was about to start.

The school was nothing like my expectancy. It was comprised of not just Americans but more diverse people. This sight was unfamiliar to me as I grew up in the ethnically and linguistically homogeneous Korea. Although all the students were nice, I was afraid of them because I didn't know how to say anything back. In classes, I couldn't understand what teachers were saying and often didn't do homework because I didn't know we even had homework. In an attempt to overcome the language barrier by making some friends, I decided to join school tennis team. Fortunately, it became a place of relief because when I was hitting the ball, I was able to forget difficulties in language.

Tennis team practices were leisure time yet they became trouble themselves. Under the scorching sun, I had to walk back home, which took so much time that I was forced to give up joining any other after school activities to catch up on schoolwork. Moreover, after enervating practices and walking, I couldn't even take a shower because I was allowed to do so only once a day in the morning. Watching the sky grow dark, I, weary and sweaty, wondered if I made the right decision.

It only became harder and harder for me to bear. In the mornings, I was scolded for taking shower for more than 5 minutes. In school, I had nobody to talk to because of my lack of English. When I got back home, fatigued from the practices, I was scolded again for cooking too much food and not cleaning them. They came as a huge shock to me because when I lived in Korea, I was never expected to do any housework nor have any troubles in communicating. Also, no matter how many strenuous problems I faced, I had a place called home, where my parents awaited me with a beaming smile to comfort me and be on my side. But in Seattle, all I felt in returning home was its hollowness. There was no warmth; its coldness was enough to make me shiver. It never struck me so hard that I was alone. Over half a million people live in Seattle and its surroundings, but those nights I felt like the only person alive. However, I didn't surrender myself to the hardships. It was time for me to grow up. I mustered all my strengths to keep up my smile and remain optimistic because after all, it was the path I chose to take. I studied English day and night to quickly catch up in school and make friends. Together with tennis, my friends became my support and relief.

Living in America converted me into new person. Unlike my shy and feeble self from 4 years ago, I became independent, responsible, and strong both physically and mentally. Loneliness, cooking, and transportation now became nothing but trivial matters that I could easily brush off with a smile. Watching the sky grow bright, I knew that I made the right decision. There is still so much yet to be discovered in this fabulous language and surely will get tougher in college; however, I am no longer afraid of anything that could be awaiting me because this valuable experience told me that a single smile and determination are all I need to overcome them.

Mistake by the way... on the fourth paragraph I meant Counting aside the fact that they *are* vegetarians.

besides adding some more info, I think my fourth and last paragraph don't really connect to the rest of the essay. Please help me :) thank you again!

They didn't let you shower?? Nobody noticed your eating disorder? The experience sounds nightmarish! You really never lost your smile? I find that hard to believe. Better to tell us how you summoned up the strength to survive such a situation!

Hmmmm . . . you need to edit this a bit. Learning English does not have to involve starvation or a life of filthiness. The particular way you decided to go about it clearly didn't work out the way you had planned. If you really took all of the setbacks in stride, without ever thinking that maybe you should have chosen to go about accomplishing your goal in a better way, well, that doesn't really paint you a very positive light. Maybe you could lose the English thing altogether, and just focus on how you overcame a significant culture shock when you first arrived in Seattle.

I think if you took the focus of the essay away from learning english and rather experiencing another culture, your current essay would be great. If you are trying to say that you always maintained your smile, try to show how you enjoyed yourself while playing tennis. Maybe talk about how much fun reading English was. Try not to focus on the hardships you faced, but the little things you enjoyed during your trip (because yeah, not being able to take a shower and an unnoticed eating disorder sounds really harsh)

other than some minor proofreading, this is a really good essay!

^You just repeated Sean's point here.


^That is probably your own point. However, in your earlier sentence, you "ADVISED" to not focus on learning english...


^There is no harm in focusing on the hardships. However, exaggerating the hardships is something else, because it makes the essay seem fake and therefore uninteresting.

I think that your essay is good. What I was trying to say above was that what you have written focuses mainly on how difficult and painful your experience in the US was. If I were in your shoes, I would not have enjoyed myself much. If you agree, talk about how your trip really wasn't as amazing as you thought it would be, and then how it transformed into an experience that made you a better person. You could talk about how difficult you must have thought it was to interact with Americans at your new school. If your essay is about how you wanted to learn English, then talk about how you did. Did you study it? Did you read a book that really had an impact on you? If you want to talk about the hardships you faced, connect it to learning English if you can (and more importantly, if that is what you want the focus of your essay to be).

good luck with your essay!
My opinions are my own-take what you want from them.

and by the way Liebe, what I wrote was an opinion. I am pretty sure you were supposed to help out dlrhksgud4 rather than evaluating my reply lol

^I would have helped out but the Moderators have already done a thorough job. It just seems that you posted a reply just to get your post count up. Your new reply however is much better, as it is more informative and helpful

I feel you misunderstand me here- i am new to this forum and have no idea what the post count is or how it would help me to post often. I am just trying to help students they way you and others have helped me.

Sorry dlrhksgud4 for muddling your thread-haha

I'm sorry you felt misunderstood by Liebe, who was a bit harsh in critiquing your feedback. I, for one, appreciate your efforts to help others as you have been helped. I hope that this imbroglio (look it up if you don't know what it means) does not stop you from participating in the forum.


One principle of constructive criticism -- which is useful to follow in life as well as on forums like this -- is to never assume you know why someone has done something. In other words, it's best to avoid making assumptions about other people's motivations. Critique behavior, not presumed motivations, and do so constructively, by suggesting specifically what could or should be done differently.

Thank you for all the helpful comments! :)
If I change the focus from learning English to overcoming cultural shocks, how should I change my essay?
Like right now, I edited fourth paragraph about the cultural shocks and hardships I faced, but it ended up only emphasizing the hardships.
So I should focus more on overcoming them and how it ultimately transformed me into better person?
Because even when I was reading my essay, it just sounded like I was lamenting about how hard it was, rather than something that leaves impressions.

I wasn't asking you to say more about the hardships but, rather, more about how you overcame them. The important thing is to be real when writing about something like this. If you claim that you never wavered in your cheerfulness, even when suffering indignities like no showers, that's not credible. Undoubtedly, you felt desolate at times. And yet you persevered. That is a story of strength not weakness, celebration not complaint.

I know I still have much revisions to make, but I was wondering if I was on right track.
here's the edited version. (hope it is better than the last one)

READ ABOVE

This is very moving and much more realistic. I'm glad you added it.

Some grammar/punctuation:

Then I encountered these twenty-two words: "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of...

They valued independence. I was expected...

Many difficulties accosted me.

...as the school was about to start.

The school was nothing like I expected .

I decided to join the school tennis team.

I was scolded again for cooking too much food and not cleaning the dishes . This came as a huge shock to me because when I lived in Korea, I was never expected to do any housework nor had any troubles in communicating.

I mustered all my strengths to keep...

Thank you again for your grammatical revisions! :)

Would it be better for me to evaluate some more ideas?
or should I just try to make this essay more.. um professional?
Because I feel like I'm still missing something.. (if not, that's great)

Oh and it might be little be too late to ask this, but is my topic too cliché?

Well, moving to America as an immigrant is generally cliche, but the fact that you did it ON YOUR OWN and actually grew stronger from it, and you didn't give up and go home, makes you EXACTLY the type of person a university would want. props for that :)

Wow! Your revised version is much better. You include far more specific details and elaborate on things at length that seemed odd in the original. For instance


This makes much more sense than your previous claim that you simply weren't allowed to shower at all.

One thing, though:


Did loneliness become a trivial matter? Or did you stop being lonely on account of having made so many friends?

thanks, I revised the sentence on loneliness part.

what more could I edit?
My essay looks plain, boring, and certainly doesn't look like the one to stand out to admission officers.
Is it just because of the topic?
would making the essay more concise and vivid enough? or should I need to find something interesting connected to this topic and add it?

btw does the common app essay has to be 250-500 words? in the website it just says 250 minimum but I heard that max should be 500.

If you want your essay to be more vivid, use action verbs. Here is how several paragraphs start:

However, my anticipation and passion were...
The school was...
Team practices were...
It only became...

Also change, "Substantial amount of difficulties accosted me" to, simply, "Difficulties accosted me."

Yeah, you rely too heavily on weak verbs:

"The school was nothing like my expectancy. It was comprised of not just Americans but more diverse people. This sight was unfamiliar to me as I grew up in the ethnically and linguistically homogeneous Korea. Although all the students were nice,"

and so on.