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I have lived in the same neighborhood- Rutgers; I Crave Experience


aicnelavm 1 / 1  
Dec 1, 2013   #1
This essay is due in a few hours and I'm clearly still not done but I was looking forward to someone reviewing what I have right this moment. Thanks in advance, I would really appreciate it!

PROMPT: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

I have lived in the same neighborhood, on the same street, ever since I moved to the United States from Medellin, Colombia when I was just three years old. But that hasn't limited me from widening my horizons due to the fact that I only live a short fifteen-minute commute away from the most culturally diverse city on the east coast, New York City. New York City is a world of it's own and it has given me some of my most significant memories.

Ever since I was a young girl around the age of seven my father told me to do everything for myself because no one else is going to get up and do it for me. So this saying has lived in my head ever since. Both my father and mother got up every day to work to sustain the household because no one else was going to do it for them. And I got up every morning to go to school because no one was going to do it for me. I used to be in and out of babysitters but I understood my parents' absence. Ever since I have been my own best friend, I push myself, I motivate myself, and I do everything for myself.

So when I became of age to venture out on my own that's what I did. I would take a daily commute to the city; I would allow myself to interact with the world around me. I would go to museums, art shows, parks, performances, and poetry readings. In each and every single place that I have visited throughout my life's journey there is always an abundance of people with different age groups, perspectives, races, backgrounds, religions, ethnicities and sexual orientations.

By doing so I have realized that not one single person walking on this planet shares the same story. To me, it's comforting to know we all have walked through different paths in life.

These experiences have molded me into the person I am today and I plan to keep growing and learning about the world around me. I crave experience; experience guarantees deeper knowledge of things and concepts. Going to Rutgers University will definitely expand my knowledge on things of the world not only by my desire to learn from books but to also learn from lessons such as my achievements and failures.
thebriterican 1 / 2  
Dec 1, 2013   #2
Overall I found your essay to be very good. While it's clear how you would benefit from the university, you don't seem to get at how you would contribute to it. Also, while your second paragraph does seem to hold significance to yourself/your life, I don't understand the relevance of it to the prompt.

I used to be in and out of babysitters but I understood my parents' absence.

This sentence is also awkward I would recommend something like: "I was almost always with a babysitter, but I understood my parents' absence."
OP aicnelavm 1 / 1  
Dec 1, 2013   #3
Thank you tons! I'm going to keep working on it


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