This is just a super rough draft, but I'd like some comments on whether or not you think this is in the right direction, or if it needs some major reworking.
I copied the beginning of this essay from one of my other essays, so I'm also curious as to whether or not it fits appropriately and if it should be cut down.
All comments, grammar or overall, are much appreciated. Please be completely honest. Thanks! I will return the favor.
1. Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to.
I live in a box. One containing a hard drive, RAM, ROM, and countless circuit boards. Yes, it is crowded, but I call it home. I still vividly remember that Christmas morning when I unwrapped this extraordinary box ï a Dell Dimension 4550 with Windows XP! I had seen others manipulate its magical powers and became determined to master them myself. Growing up as an only child with late-working parents in a neighborhood without any other children, I was often left alone with my Dell. Countless hours were dedicated to exploring the depths of "system32," toying with BAT files, and searching Google for any scrap of information that would help me understand them. Although my curiosity often led to viruses or corrupted files, I began to learn my way around this unfamiliar world. My parents' lack of experience with computers helped me as well, and developed my thirst for problem solving. Upon entering high school I began to delve further into computers by participating in online programming contests and communities such as VirtualSource Programming and Java-Forums. Ultimately, the more time I spent in my box, the more I was able to recognize its potential to achieve just about anything I desire. Although I initially used it to scribble pictures in Paint, I can now examine three-dimensional protein models or Skype with family in Italy. Each day, the computer is adapted to perform more and more tasks and has quickly become a universal tool in solving problems in almost every field from economics to biology. Seeing such a wide spectrum for the application of computer science, along with my love of computers and problem-solving has made me determined to study computer science in hopes of contributing to the computer's arsenal of magic tricks.
I strongly believe that Carnegie Mellon offers me the best opportunity to achieve my goal of applying computer science to solve problems in another field. Although the university's reputation for outstanding academics, a beautiful campus, and very successful students are important, I am primarily interested in CMU's School of Computer Science due to its dedication to a unique multi-dimensional curriculum summed up by the belief that "Computer Science is more than number and code." Like most students, my interests are not limited to the confines of my computer box and include a love of mathematics, biology, and chemistry. The SCS offers a wide variety of science and humanities courses which will allow me to pursue all of my varied interests and hopefully one day link them to a study of computer science. In particular, the Lane Center for Computational Biology at CMU would allow me to combine my interest in computers and biology and apply computational methods to solving biological problems. Unlike most institutions, the Lane Center offers a chance to conduct real research and work in a lab as an undergraduate student which would provide me with extensive experience in the field even before graduating. Also, the curriculum's inclusion of core mathematical and probability components ensures me that the material taught will be universally applicable and not become quickly outdated as the computer world rapidly changes. Finally, I feel that the project-oriented explorations offered by the SCS are a perfect fit for my desire to apply computer science to a variety of fields and will provide me with an unparalleled preparation for real-world computational professions that require interdisciplinary solutions.
I am also interested in the Information Systems Program of the College of Humanities and Social Sciences because it explores a different application of computers and is becoming increasingly popular in the job market. One of the most attractive aspects of the program is its two semester-long team projects, such as the senior project of building customized software systems for nonprofits in the surrounding Pittsburgh area. These projects offer the chance to gain real experience in the field along with valuable management and teamwork skills. In addition, the IS curriculum is broken into four cores which will allow me to receive a well-rounded liberal arts education along with extra depth and preparation in a specific content area.
My third choice is the Electrical and Computer Engineering Program within the Carnegie Institute of Technology. After just one semester of my electricity and magnetism class, I am already enthralled by the electrical forces that surround me and power the devices I cannot live without. The ECE program offers yet another way for my to combine two of my interests by applying computer science to electricity, something that the modern world has become extremely dependent upon. Also, like the SCS, the CIT also offers a great opportunity not found in many institutions to do research as an undergraduate student. Due to CMU's vast array of connections such as the CyLab, the Center for Bioimage Informatics, and the Center for Circuits and Systems Solutions, I feel that it is the best place to receive a truly interdisciplinary education which will prepare me for a successful engineering career combining all of my interests.
I think you should have a different beginning to each of the three first paragraphs, BUT THAT IS A SMALL SMALL DETAIL TO A VERY WELL WRITTEN ESSAY. You are convincing and compelling!
IF you have a chance, please read my stanford essay :)
Wow I wasn't expecting such positive comments, thanks guys! I agree with the introductory sentence thing, so I'll change that, and take a look at yours as well!
Wow. Your essay seems pretty perfect to me. I think you will definitely get in seeing as you are very well informed and ambitious. I'm sure they will love that. I really liked how you described yourself as living in a box. I thought it was pretty funny; I never thought of it that way. Anyway, very well written. I'm surprised it's only a super rough draft. You'll probably catch this small error upon further review, but in case you don't: The ECE program offers yet another way for my (ME not my) to combine two of my interests by applying computer science to electricity, something that the modern world has become extremely dependent upon.
If you have time, please read my Stanford essay :D
Hmm well the first paragraph was taken from the final draft of another essay, so that part was fairly refined already, maybe that's why it seemed less rough? haha
Anyway, thanks a lot for the comments! I appreciate that you took the time to read it all the way through! I feel a lot more confident about it now.
and just by coincidence I had actually already read and commented on your essay!
