Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4


'like the bridge in the guitar' - Why Conncoll?


rahilsavani 4 / 12  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
Ever since I took my first Economics HL I knew this subject was the one I wanted to do in College. The areas of Micro and Macro economics were very much alluring to me in pursuing economics as my Major. Choosing Connecticut College reminds me of the time when I bought my first acoustic guitar. Though it has been eight years since then I still remember my guitar whenever I see Connecticut College. My guitar looked like any other ordinary guitar; it has a body, bridge, head and six strings. The more I pluck its strings, the more my choice seemed clear. As if each is significant in forming a melody, just like the six strings of my guitar, I think that Connecticut College has six aspects that could harmonize me into a melody. Those six strings are: the academic rigor, location, the connections I will make, the exposure to my field of study, extracurricular activities and the diverse cultures at Connecticut College. Although the strings played a major role in picking Connecticut College, they are useless without the strings and head. The bridge on the guitar holds the strings in place and the head fine tunes those strings. Hence, I think that the faculty of Connecticut College is like the bridge in the guitar while the head is the flexibility of the college. Both of these are the supporting factors of the strings which help form a finished melody which will be me once I have graduated.

Hey guys this is my Conncoll supplement! I dont think I am confident enough with this one I really need your help
Mango17 - / 15  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
I think you should drop it. Unless you are planning to minor/double major in some sort of music or art, I would stick to a crisp clear-cut idea. If you really feel that attached to the idea, atleast tone it down so it doesn't overwhelm your entire essay. At parts it seems like your teaching the admission officer that parts of a guitar. It's up to you!
altang1 3 / 10  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
1st paragraph:
"Desirability" sounds strange. I suggest you change it to something like "One of connecticut college's most attractive features..." or something like that.

Parts of it are redundant such as the "this college has one of the most exceptional economics..." and "this excites me the most to come to...". You've already mentioned the college's excellent economics program and your desire to attend because of it in the first sentence. So, I suggest cutting those redundant parts out. To now mend the holes from cutting out those parts, you could say something like "Because I plan to major in that field of study, the many experienced economics professors available will provide me with a more than beneficial education."

The "As it has a lower teacher-to-student ratio, teaching will be more Socratic and interesting for me." feels kind of thrown in there. Try adding an "also" to make it flow better. You shouldn't use "lower" because it sounds like your comparing two schools so just say "small" or something like that. I don't understand the "Socratic" part O__O and how a smaller class = more interesting. Instead say how the smaller teacher-student ratio will specifically effect your economics studies.

2nd paragraph:
How will these other studies shape your future? That part might not be necessary. You could say how you are interested in those other studies. The following sentence needs to be more Conncoll specific. Almost every college has a "good educational cirriculum". Is there something specific about the college's classes that will make your studies better? I know that's kind of hard to answer, I just feel like it's not specific enough. How does those classes make you a good critical thinker? Is there something about them that focuses on critical thinking?

3rd para:
I really like the first two sentences! Except I believe it should be "the campus hums to a spirited rhythm..."

"With this I can get to build stronger bonds with my colleagues which will allow room for a closer relationship helping me mature as an individual" Slightly confused. stronger bonds --> closer relationship ---> maturing? I don't understand. Isn't stronger bonds the same thing as closer relationship?

"It might be stressful for some people seeing the same faces again and again but for me this is a positive factor" Unnecessary because you already said you wanna make stronger bonds. As for saying that its close knit campus is one of your main reasons for applying to the college, you can change the word "incredible" from the 1st sentence of the para to "ideal".

"I am looking forward in being part of the Conncoll family." Sounds like you are expecting to get in. Maybe change to "I would really like to become a part of the Conncoll family."

That's all! I understand your main points but you just take out some unnecessary sentences and elaborate! I hope I wasn't too harsh or confusing though! good luck :)

And it would awesome if you could take a look at my common app essay linked below!
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
I think you should expand on the small school thing. some of the diction gets repetitive, though. Please check out my common app one. Thanks!


Home / Undergraduate / 'like the bridge in the guitar' - Why Conncoll?
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳