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My life, for as long as I can remember, has been rather good. I have always had advantages. UC essay


nvn7971 1 / 2  
Nov 19, 2014   #1
I feel like my essay is too generic, and doesn't really say enough about me. I would love some feedback! Thanks :)

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My life, for as long as I can remember, has been rather good; my family is relatively well-off, I go to a good school, I have lots of friends, and I've never really faced large hardships. I am a product of 2 people who came from India with little to their name, and through hard work, managed to make a good life for their children. Due to this, I've had access to advantages I'm sure many people don't receive. I was able to go to Kumon, so that I could get ahead in my studies at a young age. I was able to take music lessons, play tennis and badminton, and even I grew up a very nice neighborhood, went to great schools, and made lots of friends.

I distinctly realize remembering how privileged I was when i went to India at around the age of 10. I had been there before, but I wasn't really old enough to fully comprehend everything I saw there. This time however, as I walked around the busy city of Bangalore, I began to realize just how lucky I was to have everything I did. My first encounter with reality came with a beggar, an old lady carrying her grandchild with her, asking me for food. Now, as a 10 year old, this was more scary than it was sad or eye-opening for me, but nonetheless, it was an event that stuck in my head for years. Thus, as I thought about it when I was older and more mature, I realized how deplorable this was. Sadder still is that there are millions of people out there, not just in India, but all around the world who face conditions like these.

I further realized just how advantaged I was was when I volunteered at Sacred Heart, a place that helps the poor and homeless, in junior year. I used to go there with my mom to donate our old clothes, but I had never been inside, so it was a pretty new experience for me. Coming from a home where I've always had whatever I needed, seeing people who were ecstatic just getting 5 articles of clothing and some canned food, really struck me. Here I was complaining about how my dinner tasted last night, and yet there were people out there who didn't even have a dinner to complain about. And I realize things like this must seem obvious, and I knew that there were people in these kinds of situations, but seeing with your own eyes rather than just hearing about it is far more powerful.

In the end, since I come from a background which provided me with many blessings that helped me achieve all I have, I want to be able to solve problems that will help others receive the same things I did.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 19, 2014   #2
Navin, your essay comes across to me as extremely honest and grateful for all you have in life. If that is a generic essay, then you are on the right track :-) The stories that you have related actually helps the reader understand why you are different from the other immigrant students in the country. I would advise you to lessen the privilege talk and try to add to the information about the volunteer work that you did instead. That is a world totally different from your own and it definitely helped open your eyes to some other aspects of our society and way of life. It is a world that is not familiar to you and as such, helps to create a more open and different central identity for you. I believe that such a revision will truly help your essay get out of the generic feel that you think is holding it back.
OP nvn7971 1 / 2  
Nov 22, 2014   #3
Thanks for the feedback! I was rather busy the past couple of days, and didn't really have time to reply to you before.
I was also wondering if this essay would work for the UC prompt #1, or whether I would have to change it around a little?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 22, 2014   #4
Navin, can you provide me with the UC prompt that you are planning to use this essay for so I can better decide upon whether you can repurpose this essay or not? I would really appreciate it :-) That said, I have to tell you that repurposing your essay for use in a different school prompt does not come without hardships. You see, the essay will need to be carefully reworded, rephrased, and rewritten in order to make it seem more different than the original. When that process is done, you may find that there were portions where things got lost in translation or totally disappeared content-wise. I think you can avoid such pitfalls if you work with us here to make sure that the essence of the essay has remained the same even if you repurposed the paper though :-)


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