Prompt:
Please briefly state your reason for wishing to attend LMU and/or how you came to select your major.
Essay:
I consider myself lucky when it comes to the question: "What do you want to do with your life?" You see, for as long as I can remember I have been captivated by the human body, animals, and plant life. I remember when I was four, my mother was pregnant with my younger brother Ian, I would sit and analyze her stomach and I even began coming up with what I now know as theories.
...
Please help me with:
Grammar, Punctuation?
Is it too long? (they didn't give a word limit)
Does it answer the prompt fully?
Any other additional work I need?
I consider myself lucky when it comes to the question, "What do you want to do with your life?" You see, for as long as I can remember, I have been captivated by the human body, animals, and plant life. I remember when I was four, my mother was pregnant with my younger brother Ian. I would sit and analyze her stomach and I even began coming up withforming what I now know as theories. As I entered high school I decided to explore my curiosities by taking a variety of science courses, such as biology, anatomy, and physiology. Towards the middle of my junior year I realized I had a true love for children and their well-being, so I decided I wanted to become a pediatric surgeon. With that decision being made I did further research and realized that biology would be the best major for achieving my dream career, and from there I was lead to a number of colleges and universities that just didn't seem like "me". In college I knew I wanted to experience academic growth, but I would also like to grow personally, socially, and spiritually, which a lot of colleges and universities didn't offer. Luckily Google led me to my first choice college: Loyola Marymount University. LMU became my first choice after reading their core values, two of which stood out to me the most being "Faith and reason," and "Service to others." I would also like to attend LMU for its eye staggering campus location. Being located on a beautiful Los Angeles bluff would bring natural peace and tranquility during times of stress. Diversity at LMU is also one of theanother reason I would like to attend, not just on campus, but off-campus as well.W ith Los Angeles at my fingertips,there are a variety of cultural opportunities, such as museums and art galleries to explore. FromWith further research I have found unity among the students, whether they are part of social justice clubs or Greek life, LMU doesn't encourage divisions among students. Last but not least I would like to attend LMU for its reputation of rigorous academics. I know if I attendedthat if I were to attend Loyola Marymount University, I willwould never go a day without being academically challenged, so that when I graduate, I will have a sufficient amount of knowledge to succeed in medical school, and achieve my dream job of being a pediatric surgeon.
I wanted to say to delete that last green comma but strikethrough looked weird on it.
Watch out for common expressions and phrases. Colleges want to see you use your own voice.
Your essay definitely answers the prompt and I can tell you are really enthusiastic about LMU. Some of your sentences seemed a bit long, so some commas would definitely do some good in there. Other than that, I only saw a few grammatical errors, like the use of their vs there. This seems small, but colleges like to see that students can go back to their fundamentals when writing.
Good luck and I hope you make it into LMU!
