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Keep on Fighting! You're almost there. - UC Prompt #2


liviays 1 / 1  
Nov 24, 2014   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Come one, Olivia, just keep fighting. You're almost there. You can do it! 6-0 in the first set and up 3-0 in the second-only three more games until I could lock a victory for McClatchy. I reached to smack a forehand winner, but something went wrong. My left foot throbbed, my toe felt dislocated; my coaches suggested I forfeit.

I asked my coach, "How's the team doing?"
"It'll be close," he sighed.
Knowing that my win would be important, I rallied on. The pain was excruciating and my opponent tried a different strategy, hoping to clinch the match. She began to guide her shots more carefully, making me hobble around the court. However, I fought to a 6-2 win in the third set. McClatchy made it into the semifinals! Looking back at this triumphant victory, I realize that it taught me to be persistent and to believe in myself, despite obstacles.

Unfortunately, obstacles didn't seem to end and I faced another trial. Three months until my piano exam, my to-do list seemed never-ending: four pieces to memorize, theory to practice, sight reading to do, homework to be done, tests to study for, etc. Each piece, such as Beethoven's Sonata and a Contemporary by Poulenc, incorporated complex chords and mixed melodies, which made them all the more grueling to practice. I felt hopeless and destined to fail-I almost decided to drop the piano exam-but, my conscience told me, "Don't give up, you can do it". I remembered the triumphant tennis match about two months ago.

A few days after the exam, my teacher notified me that I would be performing in the Honors' Recital that weekend, which later took me to the statewide convention. Ever since this experience, I stopped whining about practicing piano because I learned that each piece of music is beautiful if I master it. Even if it doesn't sound great in the beginning, I know that it'll become a masterpiece in the end, so I won't give up practicing.

Overcoming different setbacks led me to trust and believe in myself, stand up to obstacles, know my goals, set the course, and never give up. In the last tennis try-outs, I lost five games to my opponent-one more game and she would have won the set-but believing in myself, and not giving up, I caught up seven straight games to win the set. I finally won the match that gave me the title of No.1 Singles in girls' tennis at McClatchy High School.

The verb, 'quit', should never be used in my life. In almost every occasion that I tried to convince myself to quit, I ended up being glad that I didn't. I almost gave up learning how to drive when a rude man honked at me. If I did, I would be catching the bus-maybe for the rest of my life. I almost dropped out of the Honors Program at my high school when the curriculum became more strenuous and friends were dropping out each semester. But, I recalled that I wanted to be in this program to challenge myself and since I was accepted, I had to complete it.

So, in achieving my next goal of going to a good college and becoming a Certified Public Accountant, regardless of what obstacles may come my way, I'll stick to my goal and believe that, sooner or later, I'll get to my destination. The overall key to my achievements, thus far, is 'never give up'.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 24, 2014   #2
Olivia, the first thing you should remember is that before you post your prompt response, you should first give us a copy of the prompt you are supposed to be answering. Otherwise, it will be next to impossible to properly analyze, review, and advice you regarding the content of your essay. At this point, only a general review can be made regarding the content, grammar, and descriptiveness of your essay. We cannot tell you how well you answered the prompt, or, if you answered the prompt properly.

The essay is kind of confusing to read because you jump from an unnamed competition to a description of a tennis competition (which is unclear whether you participated in it or not), and then other stories that do not seem related to one another. There is a lack of cohesion and clarity in the message of your essay. That problem exists even before I know what the prompt you are trying to answer is so I am sure that once I find out what the prompt is, I will be able to guide you towards centering the essay and properly answering the prompt. Please upload it soon. Thanks :-)
OP liviays 1 / 1  
Nov 24, 2014   #3
Sorry about leaving the prompt out, I'm a new user >.<

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

The first two paragraphs (plus dialogue) are a description of one tennis match. I wanted to show the trait that "I must finish what I start", so the examples are supposed to be times where I felt like quitting (a particular activity), but didn't, and succeeded.

Thank you!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 24, 2014   #4
Olivia, You need to lay the foundation for the event that had dialogue at the start of the essay. Your writing suffers from transition problems because you do not know how to properly ease the reader into the events unfolding int he essay. In this case, describe what you where doing and why before you present the dialogue at the beginning. Then use a transitory sentence at the end to mark a shift in the upcoming paragraph content. Then, again, prepare the reader for the events that you are about to talk about by giving an explanation of how the two events are connected in relation to the essay prompt. Doing so will remove the confusion that currently plagues anyone who reads this current form of the essay. There are also some grammar problems that need to be addressed but I will not point those out to you yet because you still have to work on the transitory sentences and creating a bridge sentence between the paragraphs. Grammar errors can be corrected once we have settled the content and format of your essay :-)


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