Why is diversity important to you?
My journey thought life has been like a journey through a candy store. Just as candies come in a variety shapes, sizes, colors, and wrappers - throughout my life, I have encountered a wide range of individuals of different races, ethnic backgrounds, ideologies, and socio-economic classes.
I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood, which also happened to be one of the most concentrated gay communities in the United States. Coming from a Hispanic background, I often felt very different from those around me, not because of the color of my skin but because of our distinctive culture understandings. Throughout my years in elementary and middle school, I attended a <censored> where the students were predominantly African-American, African and French; many of the students came from a lower social economic class. Each individual had their own culture and values, some resembled one another's and others were distinctive. As I moved into High School I was presented with a diverse group of students, this time middle class with a wide range of ethnic and religious backgrounds. It was easy for me to blend in with such a diverse group because of my past experiences. Throughout my high school years, I have encountered a countless amount of diverse people in volunteering activities, church groups and community events and have realized the important value it adds to human beings.
Diversity adds richness to life by presenting different perspectives, views and opinions. Growing up in such a diverse community has widened my perspective of my own life and has shaped who I am today. It has guided me towards being an open-minded and accepting person, full of ideas beyond those presented by homogenous groups of individuals. As I have gotten older, I have learned to appreciate the gay community that I grew up in and the French school that I attend because those are the first places where I was able to grasp cultural diversity and values as well as learn the importance of cross- cultural interaction - not only in terms of ethnic backgrounds or religion, but also socio-economic cultures. My experience has been one of diversity, and that, in itself, is different. So many different communities and groups of people have influenced me that my view does not fall in line with just one, and has allowed for a broader understanding of the world around me.
Just as I was able to, and will continue to learn and experience the importance of diversity, I feel that it is important that others do the same. If diversity existed in the 195 countries of our world today, our world would be more unified; individuals would be open-minded and their understanding of people from different ethnicities, religions, and sexual orientations would go beyond just their community, culture and society. Diversity is the solution to prejudicing, racism, and stereotyping.
I love the candy store metaphor about diversity -- a great attention grabber and intro!
What is the "<censored>" item in the second paragraph ("Throughout my years in elementary and middle school, I attended a <censored> where the students were predominantly)? Seems like EssayForum edited out a word/phrase from your original essay. If so, delete it -- never have something offensive or derogatory in ANY essay especially one about diversity which expects you to be fair and neutral in addition to being insightful.
"High School" should be lowercase: high school ("As I moved into High School I was presented with a diverse group of students")
I think you could discuss not just how diversity has "broadened" your personal view but also "enhanced" and "completed" it (end of 3rd Paragraph "me that my view does not fall in line with just one, and has allowed for a broader understanding of the world around me")
The middle line of the last paragraph ("If diversity existed in the 195 countries of our world today, our world would be more unified") while sound rhetorically seems a bit too ideal. Sadly, cultural tradition and homogeneity are ingrained in may parts of the world with a long history of civilization. It will take
A LOT more than diversity to solve cultural conflicts (i.e. India/Pakistan and Sunni/Shia' Muslims) and unify our world.
To fix this, you could say how diversity is the FIRST STEP (rather than the entire solution). That seems more realistic and a more attainable goal
Other than that, your essay is strong and I wish you the best of luck
Maybe its just me but it seems these sentences are a bit unnecessary and seem to drag on:
As I moved into High School I was presented with a diverse group of students, this time middle class with a wide range of ethnic and religious backgrounds. It was easy for me to blend in with such a diverse group because of my past experiences. Throughout my high school years, I have encountered a countless amount of diverse people in volunteering activities, church groups and community events and have realized the important value it adds to human beings
-Shorten them up a bit for overall greater concision.
I don't know what <Censored> means but if it means what I think it does then remove it. You do NOT want that kind of language as an application essay.
I like the candy metaphor but you only have one sentence about it. I would recommend describing something from the candy shop; try putting the reader into the scene. It can really act as a attention grabber. Maybe something like this:
Light reflects off of the glass cases and plastic packaging that cover the entire store. A myriad of vivid colors cover the walls. The smell of sugar hits my nose and memories of my childhood joys come to me. My journey thought life has been like a journey through a candy store. Just as candies come in a variety shapes, sizes, colors, and wrappers - throughout my life, I have encountered a wide range of individuals of different races, ethnic backgrounds, ideologies, and socio-economic classes.
It's not the best but you get the idea. Aside from that, I didn't notice anything grammar wise that Archlefirth didn't already mention.
Best of luck!
