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'Introducted to Jesus Christ' / 'Varsity soccer' - where you come from and your world


answers: 1
Aug 20, 2008, 03:14pm   #1
Can you review both of my essays?

Prompt #1 Describe the world you come from � for example, your family, community or school � and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Being the first United States citizen in my family, I knew my life would be different from my parents who moved from Taiwan. My mom had only up to high school education and barely spoke English. My dad was an engineer and came home from work late every day. In my world, it is always do well in school and trample anyone getting in your way. I grew up getting bad grades, bullied, manipulated, and punished, always living in an unhealthy state. There was little friendship and social activity for me while living in Fremont; I was mostly lonely and isolated. During elementary school, nothing in the community inspired me nor gave me a dream.
When it looked like there was no hope, I was introduced to Jesus Christ, who is now my Savior. After accepting Him, things began to change. My mom introduced me to Doctor Wei. To me, he looked like an average doctor, nothing extraordinary. As he greeted me, my mom told him of my struggles. Looking at me with a gentle smile, he said, "William, you will do great things. You have a purpose and you will find your dream." You do not hear that from a doctor every once in a while. That saying literally pierced my hard and cold heart. He was the first person outside my family to encourage me and give me hope.
Originally a surgeon, he later practiced acupuncture and opened up his own small office. After numerous treatments with the needle-sticking process, my grades, behavior, and health began to improve. I was no longer considered a midget. I began to stand up for myself. I no longer needed tutoring that stuck with me for seven years. Through Doctor Wei, God restored me, lifted the blackness shrouding my mind and revealed the dream He put inside me. He transformed my world, which encouraged peace, embraced love, and supported gentleness. It became easier to make friends with a set of certain boundaries.
However, I was ignorant and stubborn. I thought I was wise enough to handle any situation placed in front of me. I was oblivious to any advice given from my friends and parents. This came to my attention when I was in seventh grade and half of the school year had already zipped by like a bullet. I then knew that if I keep up like this, I would end up the way I was back at elementary school. To take action, I began to make amends with my parents and friends.
Endless days of disciplining myself was well worth it for tearing down the walls of ignorance and stubbornness that surrounded me. Being able to listen in an understanding way is one of the many important factors of being a doctor. Seeing how Doctor Wei changed my life, I want to change the lives of others, especially those of the children. I want to give them hope when there seems to be none. I want to carry on his legacy and keep his dream alive.




Prompt #2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Making the school varsity soccer team was one of the goals I had in mind when I started my junior year. During the first week of practice, the coach told us that next week, which was Christmas vacation, we would be conditioning. By the sound of it, hearing the rumors from returning players, and from the experience during the first day of practice, I was heading for seven days of hell. Looking at the past years, I did not run several miles without walking or stopping to catch a breath.
The coming week came faster than expected. "We are running the hills today, boys," said the coach. Feeling my heartbeat at its normal pace, I double-knotted my tennis shoes and we began to walk toward the mountain track. Then the pace began to pick up. After couple of minutes, my muscles began to harden. My ankles began to break, slowly crying out in pain. My heart began to beat faster and louder, thumping against my chest. The sun, out in the open, scorched my perspiring skin. I thought I was about to get a heat stroke.
Running up a hill was the last thing I wanted to do when most of my energy was already spent. The gravity pulled me down as I dragged my concrete body up the road. Ounces of my strength were seeping out of my skin as I went up and down the hill. Looking ahead, my teammates were a distance away. I was alone with no shade and the bright star burning my cells. Liquid salt drenched my clothes. My legs were numb with pain. When I finished half of the run, I was spent and on the verge of collapse.
"Do not give up," I heard a small voice say to me. Soon my hard fibers began to loosen. This effect pervaded throughout my structure. Soon small, cool breezes began to blow on my face as I continued to run. With no water bottle in hand, I had nothing but God to lean on. I felt His being running beside me, encouraging me to finish what I have started. Crossing the bridge and finally able to see the street leading to the campus, I smiled and started down toward my school.
Reaching the soccer field, I took out my water bottle and drank refreshingly. I was the last one to make it back. My legs were still a bit hard from the running. My chest was heaving for air. Later on, reflecting upon this experience, I did not give up while running the hills. I do not plan to take shortcuts and end the run early. I knew if I had taken the wide road, I would not reap any benefits. If I start giving up now, I would not succeed in life. The trials have only just begun and I am going to finish the tasks given to me. I will not backed down so easily.
Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"Being the first United States citizen in my family, I knew my life would be different from my parents who moved from Taiwan. My mom had only up to high school education and barely spoke English. My dad was an engineer and came home from work late every day. In my world, it is always do well in school and trample anyone getting in your way. I grew up getting bad grades, bullied, manipulated, and punished, always living in an unhealthy state. There was little friendship and social activity for me while living in Fremont; I was mostly lonely and isolated. During elementary school, nothing in the community inspired me nor gave me a dream.
When it looked like there was no hope, I was introduced to Jesus Christ, who is now my Savior. After accepting Him, things began to change. My mom introduced me to Doctor Wei. To me, he looked like an average doctor, nothing extraordinary. As he greeted me, my mom told him of my struggles. Looking at me with a gentle smile, he said, "William, you will do great things. You have a purpose and you will find your dream." You do not hear that from a doctor every once in a while. That saying literally pierced my hard and cold heart. He was the first person outside my family to encourage me and give me hope.
Originally a surgeon, he later practiced acupuncture and opened up his own small office. After numerous treatments with the needle-sticking process, my grades, behavior, and health began to improve. I was no longer considered a midget. I began to stand up for myself. I no longer needed tutoring that stuck with me for seven years. Through Doctor Wei, God restored me, lifted the blackness shrouding my mind, and revealed the dream He put inside me. He transformed my world, which encouraged peace, embraced love, and supported gentleness. It became easier to make friends with a set of certain boundaries.
However, I was ignorant and stubborn. I thought I was wise enough to handle any situation placed in front of me. I was oblivious to any advice given from my friends and parents. This came to my attention when I was in seventh grade and half of the school year had already zipped by like a bullet. I then knew that if I keep up like this, I would end up the way I was back at elementary school. To take action, I began to make amends with my parents and friends.
Endless days of disciplining myself was well worth it for tearing down the walls of ignorance and stubbornness that surrounded me. Being able to listen in an understanding way is one of the many important factors of being a doctor. Seeing how Doctor Wei changed my life, I want to change the lives of others, especially those of the children. I want to give them hope when there seems to be none. I want to carry on his legacy and keep his dream alive. "
[nourl][/nourl]

"Making the school varsity soccer team was one of the goals I had in mind when I started my junior year. During the first week of practice, the coach told us that next week, which was Christmas vacation, we would be conditioning. By the sound of it, hearing the rumors from returning players, and from the experience during the first day of practice, I was heading for seven days of hell. Looking at the past years, I did not run several miles without walking or stopping to catch a breath.
The coming week came faster than expected. "We are running the hills today, boys," said the coach. Feeling my heartbeat at its normal pace, I double-knotted my tennis shoes and we began to walk toward the mountain track. Then the pace began to pick up. After a couple of minutes, my muscles began to harden. My ankles began to break, slowly crying out in pain. My heart began to beat faster and louder, thumping against my chest. The sun, out in the open, scorched my perspiring skin. I thought I was about to get a heat stroke.
Running up a hill was the last thing I wanted to do when most of my energy was already spent. The gravity pulled me down as I dragged my concrete body up the road. Ounces of my strength were seeping out of my skin as I went up and down the hill. Looking ahead, my teammates were a distance away. I was alone with no shade and the bright star burning my cells. Liquid salt drenched my clothes. My legs were numb with pain. When I finished half of the run, I was spent and on the verge of collapse.
"Do not give up," I heard a small voice say to me. Soon my hard fibers began to loosen. This effect pervaded throughout my structure. Soon small, cool breezes began to blow on my face as I continued to run. With no water bottle in hand, I had nothing but God to lean on. I felt His being running beside me, encouraging me to finish what I have started. Crossing the bridge and finally able to see the street leading to the campus, I smiled and started down toward my school.
Reaching the soccer field, I took out my water bottle and drank refreshingly. I was the last one to make it back. My legs were still a bit hard from the running. My chest was heaving for air. Later on, reflecting upon this experience, I did not give up while running the hills. I do not plan to take shortcuts and end the run early. I knew if I had taken the wide road, I would not reap any benefits. If I start giving up now, I would not succeed in life. The trials have only just begun and I am going to finish the tasks given to me. I will not backed down so easily."

Nice work on both! You have answered the prompts clearly and concisely. You are well organized and have great grammar, with only a couple punctuation errors. Good job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



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