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Internship - Family and Happiness -250 Word paragraph on "What Inspires Me?'


NKBaseballbum18 2 / 4  
Apr 21, 2011   #1
250 Word simply on "What inspires Me"
Note: Below is 220 word.

What inspires me?

There are a lot of different people and things that have inspired me though out life and while many of them have helped turn me into who I am today, there is one set of people who have truly inspired me throughout my life, my parents. They have demonstrated to me many different things that I will always have with me for the rest of my life. Hard work is the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my parents. They have worked so hard to get to where they are today and that is something that I think anyone can admire, but seeing how difficult the real world can be sometimes make me appreciate it that much more. Another way that my parents inspire me is how happy they are. You often see people who go through life just doing the motions, hating what they do every day. My parents used that hard work to go out and find something that they really enjoy doing and to me being happy is the greatest paycheck in the world, because when you do something because you love you never work a day in your life. These two things are just some of the characteristics of my parents that inspire me. I plan to do these two things exactly like my parents, work hard at finding what I love, and I think that this internship would be the first step to finding that love.
stephaniealfl 3 / 5  
Apr 21, 2011   #2
Typo: first sentence: parent to parents.
'Both' :::instead start out w/ mother and father.
'gave up so much'---better word...perhaps...sacrificed so many things
'us':: who's us?
Don't use 'you.'
When you start talking about happiness it gets a little confusing. Are you still talking about your parents?
When the application asks you this question, stick to one answer. Just talk about your parents. What have you learned from them? Exactly how have they inspired you? Give a short story?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 22, 2011   #3
Throughout is one word, not two.
That first sentence is not helpful:
There are a lot of different people and things that have inspired me though out life and while many of them have helped turn me into who I am today, there is One set of people who has have truly inspired me throughout my life: my parents.

See what I mean? (above). Be efficient. Do not include sentences that do not convey a meaningful idea. Look at this part:
They have demonstrated to me many different things that I will always have with me for the rest of my life. H that hard work is the first...---We can make it "move right along." :-)

Awesome, you did a great job with this...

Now, here I'll add a comma to the compound sentence: My parents used that hard work to go out and find something that they really enjoy doing, and to me being happy is the greatest paycheck in the world, because when you do something because you love you never work a day in your life. ---Do you see where I added a comma?

I think this must be a nice reward for your parents... this is their favorite essay! :-)


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