I am not very strong in essay writing, your feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Prompt: "Briefly state why you are considering Stony Brook University"
====================================================================== ===
What appeals to me the most about Stony Brook University is its Scholars for Dental Medicine program.
An internship in a dentist office brought me a close-up look at a job as a dentist. I love playing flute and coding computer, former rely on hands and later on brain. Practicing dental surgery on patients with my hands, diagnosing disease and helping people reduce their pains with my brain, I felt dentistry is my flute and computer, and the career fit my personality perfectly. The program provides an integrated eight-year study for determined students interested in attending dental school, which is just what I want.
A college visit assured Stony Brook University on top of my choices. I like its quiet, nice and green campus which perfectly sits in suburb of NYC. I love the atmosphere of diversity, too, not only because I have minority background, but also I believe diversity goes beyond just ethnicity. It will be beneficial of experiencing different cultures, ways of thinking and perceptions from the diverse student body. All aspect of the Stony Brook University seems to fit my image of a perfect university and it is still growing, I want to be a part of the growing and excel my studies here.
This has the potential to be a good essay but it is flawed. It is very disorganized and it may seem to the college admission officer that you did this two minutes before it was due. I would suggest an outline, so that you thoughts can flow through the essay. Also, I would suggest that you expand on this essay . It is very short and it seems like you have more to say.
You need to seriously revise this essay. There are many grammatical errors and I suggest you have someone correct it for you. Is English your first language?
Thank you diania234. I do have more to say. However, the maxim is 1,500 letters, and I've put up 1,213 here.
I am looking at the flaws you mentioned and will reorganize and post it soon.
I really appreciate your prompt reply.
The structure of the essay is really confusing. I'd also suggest that you look over grammar and choice of words. The reason you want to go though are strong, they just need to be organized more.
Thank you shutterbutter92 and mohemed459. I have revised the essay a little, how is the new version sound?
============================================
What appeals to me first about Stony Brook University is its Scholars for Dental Medicine program.
A summer internship in a dentist office brought me a close-up look at a job as a dentist. From that point, I started thinking myself sitting on a dentist's chair. I love playing flute and coding computer, former rely on hands and later on brain. Practicing dental surgery on patients with my hands, diagnosing disease and helping people reduce their pains with my brain, I fell dentistry is my flute and computer, and the career will fit my personality perfectly. SBU's program provides an integrated eight-year study for determined students interested in attending dental school, which is exactly what I want.
A college visit assured Stony Brook University on top of my list. I like its quiet, nice and green campus which perfectly sits in suburb of NYC. While visiting, I immediately noticed and enjoyed the atmosphere of diversity, not only because I have minority background, but also I believe diversity goes beyond just ethnicity. It will be beneficial of experiencing different cultures, ways of thinking and perceptions from the diverse student body.
All aspect of the Stony Brook University seems to fit my image of a perfect University. When I learned that the school was still growing. I was excited and eager to be a part of the growing while excelling my studies at Stony Brook University.
I just feel like the actual reason for why you want to go to Stony Brook (2nd paragraph) is bordering on generic. I'm sure there are other universities that have a "quiet, nice and green campus" and are "diverse". Perhaps you should be more specific. Do a bit more research, such as any student-driven organizations particular to the school that you may be interested in.
The reason why you want to study dentistry is clear in your essay but not why you want to go to Stony Brook particularly.
Also, there are still several grammatical errors. Have an english teacher read and edit them for you. :)
"computer, and the career will fit my personality perfectly." change it to "this" career
"enjoyed the atmosphere of diversity" sounds odd...so maybe change it to enjoyed the diverse atmosphere?
"ways of thinking and perceptions" ways of thinking and perceptions are kinda like the same thing so maybe want to change it
"All aspect of the" all ASPECTS
"When I learned that the school was still growing. I was excited and eager to be a part of the growing while excelling my studies at Stony Brook University."
still growing, I was excited
I completely agree with Hinddou Maiga about making it more original. Your essay sounds generic. I know that it's a last minute thing but maybe explain one thing that really intrigued you. An event or a club that you are dying to be part of.
