ESSAY: My interests and passions do not always come to me naturally; my passion for cooking came out of necessity when I had to cook my own meal at the age of twelve. Since then, I have developed a deep interest in it, ignoring what other kids had to say about as they thought it was a 'feminine' skill to have. Going against what others had to say to further my interests taught me that I should try an activity before I judge it, which has led to many enriching experiences. For example, I decided to take two years of ceramics despite my preconceived notion that I was not artistic. This showed me that I was capable of much more than I gave myself credit for which has inspired me to try a flurry of different pastimes, some of which have become major interests of mine such as shooting, snowboarding, camping and economics which is one of my academic interests.
One could say that trying new things is a hobby of mine. Not only do I plan on furthering my passions in university, I also plan on joining some of the various student organisations in order to discover new interests and meet other people from diverse backgrounds within them. I find that I can contribute to the school's diversity and inclusivity as I can be considered to be Dutch, French or Swiss with South African heritage. This would make me a perfect candidate for CU International, as I would love to meet other students from diverse backgrounds in a social setting. French Resources for Educational and New Cultural Horizons would be a great opportunity to use my knowledge of the French language to contribute to other students' progression of it.
My hopes for my college experience are to be able to be part of the rich and diverse community that CU Boulder has to offer while being in a new social and geographical climate. Leaving Europe to explore a new setting would be a fantastic opportunity for me, which is why I would try my hardest to make the most out of it and find a balance of a mixture of academic, extracurricular and social activities in order to maximise my college experience. (372 words)
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I feel as though I included examples for: Contributing, Creative Works, Engaging, Diversity, and inclusivity but I do have room for even another paragraph, which I will eventually put in but I just wanted some feedback on what I have so far so I know what I'm missing or doing wrong. Thank you in advance for any suggestions/ advice/ comments you may have.
I can help you with your essay. First, I would like to suggest a correction to this sentence. Notice the changes in bold:
"Not only do I plan on furthering my passions at CU Boulder university, I also plan on joining some of the various student organizations in order to discover new interests and meet other people from diverse backgrounds within them ."
Please check the abbreviation for this university, because you use a variety of abbreviations for the name that can be confusing. I did research and CU Boulder could work throughout the essay. You can look it up too, but I want to make sure you are consistent.
Change part of this sentence: "..I am considered to be of Dutch, French, Swiss, and South African heritage." I'm not sure if you know if you are French or Swiss but I separated the two because you used "or".
I'm not sure about the last sentence in this paragraph. If you are referring to how you plan to help other you could start the sentence with: "My knowledge of french resources for educational and new cultural horizons would be a great opportunity enable me to use my knowledge of the French language to contribute to other students' progression of it."
The last paragraph is fantastic! The only slight error I see is in word choice. You should either choose the word balance or mixture.
Here is an example if you use the word variety (or mixture): "...find a variety of a mixture of academic, extracurricular and social activities in order to maximize my college experience."
I think one of the main subjects I think is missing is the program you are studying. What makes this program unique and why should you be apart of it. Ex: If I were studying elementary education at a university. I would focus on the uniqueness of the student teaching, some of the classes and placement rates into schools. The excellent faculty that have taught in a variety of educational settings, etc. These factors would help me to be a good elementary teacher. However, if this existed at any school I would avoid discussing this as the focus of my essay.
The three things to focus on are:
1) opportunities for academic excellence-This is probably your missing element. What do you seek academically and how can the university help you excel? I have given you an example to help you to focus on benefits academically.
2) leadership-You discuss this slightly when you discuss helping others with French and extracurricular activities. Do you think you will seek out other opportunities for leadership at this university?
3) deeper understanding of the world-You want to be included in the diverse program. You are open to a new environment. This was addressed well!
