I am a HORRIBLE wirtter and i really need help! im in the 8th grade.please dont worry much about the grammer mistakes but of the storry itself. im not finished yet but i want to get a good heads start before finishing it. thanks for your help!
i'm nervous for tommorrow's Math test. I start fiddling wiht my hands while studying. Without thinking,i slowly slip my pointer fingernaill in my mouth and bite down. I then stop when i hear,"Stop it! Thats a really bad habbit." it is my older sister Erin. she's right so i stop. Every time i hear her say that, i stop, and latley i've stopped for good. Erin has taught me a lot of things and not just about nails!
Erin influences me to do little thins such as my homework. When she comes home everyday, she its down to study and finish her homework, and influences me to do so too.
I'm always dancing around the house and always stretching, so my sister a few days ago, told me that i should try out for the drill team in high school. She influences me to practice everyday and stratch everyday, so i can get better for the tryouts. Erin keeps on motovating me to get better at dancing, and inspires me to be able to do tricks shuch as the right and left splits, which i recently got done. She keeps on telling me,"Practice makes perfet, and if you really want it, them do it."
thats all i have so far... what should i do to fix what i wrote and make it better?
thanks
Your essay is off to a good start, i like that you have cited an example to start off your essay. Talk more about how much you look up to your sister and she is your role model, also say what she does that you would like to be able to do someday. Tell what she does to help you get better and improve yourself. Also say that she makes you want to be better just by leading by example. Better structure and you're off to a great start!
please help make this essay better! thanks megan
Influenced by my Sister
I'm nervous about tomorrow's Math test. I find myself fiddling with my hands while I'm studying. Without even thinking about it, I slip my pointing finger into my mouth and I bite the nail. Suddenly, I stop biting my nails when I hear my older sister, Erin, scream, "STOP IT! That's a really bad habit!" Every time I hear her say that I stop, and lately I've stopped for good. Erin has taught me a lot of things and not just about nails.
I look up to Erin. She makes me want to be better just by leading by example. The thing is, is that we don't always get along. We fight a lot as sisters, and argue about pointless things, but she still influences me somehow as my role model. She influences me to do little things, such as finishing my homework, breaking habits, and making good grades. When she comes home everyday, she sits down to study and finish her homework, and influences me to do so to by example. In High School, I want to tryout for the drill team, so Erin encourages me to practice and stretch everyday, so I can get better for the tryouts. She keeps on telling me, "Practice makes perfect, and if you really want it, then work for it."
Just as I am influenced by my sister, Martin in the Medicine Bag, is influenced by his grandfather. Martin is influenced by him because he inspires him to learn more about his culture and heritage, and to follow his great great grandfathers' footsteps of the passing of the medicine bag, along with its history. At the end of the story, it states, "Two weeks later I stood alone on the lonely prairie of the reservation and put the sacred sage in my medicine bag." Martin's life was changed by the influence of his family's heritage and culture just because of Grandfather.
Everyone is influenced by certain people or events in their lives, some just don't realize it yet. You can even be influenced by small things, such as my sister does to me. Who are you influenced by?
...scream, "STOP IT! That's...=>SCREAMS
...The thing is, is that we don't always...=>ALTHOUGH, WE DON'T ALWAYS GET ALONG AND FIGHT A LOT AS SISTER...
...When she comes home everyday, she sits down to study and finish her homework=>whenever she comes home from school...OR HER FIRST THING TO DO AFTER SCHOOL IS FINISHING HER HOMEWORK OR AS LONG AS SHE GETS HOME AFTER SCHOOL, SHE WANTS TO FINSH HER HOMEWORK RIGHT AWAY.
...influences me to do so to by example=>TO DO SO, FOR EXAMPLE, IN HIGH SCHOOL...
Just as I am influenced by my sister, Martin in the Medicine Bag, is influenced by his grandfather...(WHO IS THIS, WHO IS MARTIN? WHERE HE IS COMING FROM?)
...Martin in the Medicine Bag, is influenced by his grandfather. Martin is influenced by him because he inspires him to learn more...THIS IS NOT A CORRECT SENTENCE, I DON'T GET IT
...Martin's life was changed by the influence of his family's heritage and culture just because of Grandfather.=> DON'T USE PASSIVE VOICE, USE ACTIVE VOICE BETTER
YOU CAN SUB "INFLUENCE" WITH SOME OTHER WORDS, SO MANY REPEATING HERE
thanks for the help, im changing it as i type! im in the 8th grade and not very goot at writting so you helped a lot. we dont have to explain who martin is because the teacher said it was okay since it is are frist writting assignment in her class. The medicine bag is a short story we read in class... thanks so much
megan
I like the way Mark cut material. Megan, you do write well with a kind of naturalness that many people can't achieve. Natural, not-trying-to-be-someone-you're-not, interesting writing.
But the thing to do is trim away excess, and sometimes I compare it to Mr. Miyagi with a Bonsai tree. That is what Mark did... he trimmed the Bonsai.
I'm always dancing around the house and always stretching, so my sister a few days ago, told me that i should try out for the drill team in high school.---- I love the way your writing sounds just like the way you probably talk. Check out books by Natalie Goldberg, and I think you'll see that she does the same thing as you.
