Sophisticated, proper, caring, and beautiful,<-- Consider putting a colon there
these are all the words that come to mind when I think about my grandmother Roslyn Becker. Ever since my parent'sparents'
separation when I was two years old, I have been going to visit visiting--or i think its 'ever since...I visited'
my grandma's house every Sunday in Great Neck Long Island, and every Sunday I realized
how intelligent she is and how much of a well-rounded woman she has made me become. My grandma Roz had a big impact on my life and I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for her.
When I was younger, I didn't reallyi would take out the really, but that's just me
like going to my grandma's house. I thought it was unfair that I had to go every Sunday while most other kids got to sleep in and stay home. As I got older, I realized that I didn't even know how well I was being treated. I didn't understand what my grandma had to offer. She has shift from past to present tense
wonderful stories from when she was growing up, stories about my grandfather whom I have never met. I know she misses him a lot even though she doesn't really like to talk about it to me but in a way I feel like I remind her of him. When I'm there every Sunday she feels like there is a part of him there too.<--pick a tense and stick to it. it switches around a lot and it is a little awkward
My grandma Roslyn is my dad's mother and they grew up in a completely
different way then my mom, my sister and I did. They were wealthy and never had any financial issues. My grandma knew it was hard for my mom to raise two kids as a single parent with a low income so she helped out in times where we really needed her. She's a very kind generous woman who will always help someone when she knows they deserve it.Show, don't tell! I feel like you're describing your grandmother in a completely objective tone.
My grandma never judged me by how I looked or what I wore or what type of music I liked, she was always the person to tell me to follow your dreams because she believed in me. She always asks questions to this day that really made me think about life in general, and about myself. My grandmother has taught me so much throughout my life and this is one way in saying thank you to her, by showing her how much she really means to me and how much of an influence she has had on my life. This essay is to let people know that I would not be the successful, independent, well-rounded person I am today if it weren't for my grandmother Roslyn Becker.I think you talk more about your grandmother than yourself in this essay. How did she impact you? What makes you a successful independent, well rounded person?
Overall I think you need to put in a more personal tone in your writing. Catch the reviewer's attention with a good hook and some imagery. Use your five senses!
Good Luck! :)