The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student.

The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student.

Thanks in advance guys. For every edit you give me, I'll edit one of your essays. This is due soon, so I'd appreciate reponses ASAP. Thanks thanks thanks.

PROMPT: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

For the past seventeen years, I have gained an appreciation for diversity as it has been present in all facets of my life. (how can i make this clearer?) My regard for diversity has enriched my academic, extra-curricular, and life experiences and has developed me into the reflection of a more diverse student. As part of a rich and diverse college community, I will use the insight I have gained from my experiences to contribute to and benefit from the social and ethnic diversities of my fellow colleagues and professors.

As a first generation American, I had a unique upbringing which fostered an acceptance and appreciation for diverse views at an early age. During my childhood, I was raised by devoted parents who firmly believed in their native traditions and (also?) by babysitters, who had their own set of values. With Mumi, I learned to speak Mandarin and to appreciate nature during our long walks in the park. With Valentina, I grew to understand the importance of patience and precision as she taught me to write legibly and to paint within the lines. By gaining insightful, worldly views at a young age, I grew accustomed to respecting different personal beliefs and perspectives.

When my family moved around the country, I kept these multifarious beliefs in my heart to develop beneficial relationships. By living in different communities from Tucson, Arizona to Edison, New Jersey, each of my homes served as a snapshot of the world, with different surroundings and people with unique cultures, histories, and backgrounds. I flourished as a high school student because my experiences indirectly taught me to effectively interact and learn from all types of people. I have grown to appreciate the individuality of my peers and have realized that everyone has knowledge to share. My childhood experiences and perpetual beliefs have also allowed to me to appreciate diversity and to eliminate stereotypical preconceptions, beliefs which I will carry to my college experience. By valuing fellow students on their character and contributions, rather than on their appearances or faith, I have been able to appreciate diversity to the fullest extent. My appreciation for diversity has also supported me to pursue a myriad of interests, ranging from advocating animal welfare to learning about law.

Last summer, I was selected for Lead America's Congressional Student Leadership Conferences which aim to guide high school students towards certain academic fields. I elected to participate in the Law and Trial Advocacy program because of my interest in the American law and judicial system. My experience at law camp demonstrated and mirrored the importance of diversity in all aspects. From the content of the program to the students I met, this experience instilled in me a keen appreciation of how diversity can enrich life experiences and lessons. As I learned the intricacies of law from erudite professors, I was amazed at the richness and diversity of the American judicial system. When I came to understand how an appreciation for diversity evolved the Constitution from its humble, narrow origins into protecting the rights of the melting pot of our nation, blind to caste, color, and creed, I was simply stunned by the realization that our nation's backbone is ultimately, diversity. I also befriended many students, each with their unique spectrum of stories. As we debated the perspectives and reasoned the motives of defendants and plaintiffs, I grew accustomed to personal opinions and heterogeneous personalities. This experience indefinitely shaped me because by encountering so many new people with varied perspectives, I was enlightened and have since grown a further appreciation for distinctive thinking.

My childhood and high school experiences are great contrasts, carefree and driven, however, both illustrate how multifarious my world is. Because the ____ community consists of students and faculty from a variety of backgrounds and experiences, the daily invigorating dose of diversity will motivate me towards accomplishing my dreams by enhancing my confidence in the world and fostering my leadership abilities to prepare me for all types of successes in my life. Today, I feel that I am a better citizen of the world because of my firsthand exposure to the diverse, melting pot of America. As a college student, I will gain the irreplaceable benefit of taking another picture of the world to put into my album of experiences and I will be preparing to succeed in the diverse world that we live in.

Hmmmmm this sounds familiar ;]

Rutgers isn't possessive so no apostrophes are necessary.
You wrote this really, really well btw. I especially like the "photograph" motif.
Some parts get kind of wordy though, like when you started to talk about law camp. I would cut down a little on that and maybe add another diverse experience you had. Good luck!

Help a sista out?

hey! i think your essay seems pretty impressive!

however, i think a few minor changes would make it even better!

you've written about alot of different things, i.e. travels, your background/parents, childhood experiences, law camp etc.

i would think it might be narrow it down and focus on 1/2 things and talk about them in more detail?

hope this helps! :)

Dawn.
I hate you hahahha but thanks for all the insight.

and luuu123, yeah i'll work on thatl; thanks.

Any edits will be greatly appreciated, and I will also edit your stuff.
thank you so much in advance :)

You could capture the reader's attention with a vivid narration in the first paragraph instead of a mere statment of your appreciation for diversity ( considering that you chose this topic, this fact is quite obvious).

I am assuming "Mumi" is a reference to your mum, and Valentina one of your babysitters. For a second though, I thought they were both names of your babysitters. You might want to correct this ambiguity by clearly distinguishing between the two. Citing lessons learned from another babysitter might help.

"to the diverse, melting pot of America" no comma needed

"taking another picture of the world to put into my album of experiences" ... is a potentially excellent conclusion, but sounds too cliche.

Hope this helped. All the best Naveena.

Your instincts are right, Mumi was one of my favorite babysitters.

Ohh I see what youre saying-- like include an attention grabbing anecdote ?

Thanks, I'll edit yours when I get home from school.

I came to help, because I saw another thread where you gave some good help and asked for help. Thanks! That is what we hope people will do. You are great.


In this part above, you have to get rid of all of it. The reason it is not clear is that you are not really saying anything -- just a lot of generalities! So... that is a common mistake we make in writing. Start with:

As a first generation American, I had a unique...
That really says something!

:-)

Thanks Kevin, I'm planning on editing (clearing) the first paragraph and describing specifics, but would that be repetition because I describe this upbringing in the next paragraph?

It is possible to say the same thing twice and have it be something different each time. That's how you explain something deeply. Explain one thing in more than one way, and you are writing an essay about it. :)

Hey Naveena,

Great job overall!

Here's just a small grammatical issue I found:

When I came to understand how an appreciation for diversity evolved the Constitution from its humble, narrow origins to protecting the rights of the melting pot of our nation blind to caste, color, and creed, I was simply stunned by the realization that our nation's backbone is ultimately, diversity.

I also agree with Kevin, it'd be better to do without the first paragraph. You already have a great introduction in your second paragraph!

Best of luck,
L. Wang :)