In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.
Legend
From a young age, my life has revolved around experimenting and creating. As a child, I disassembled toy cars into smaller components and investigated them. Often, to me, toys were not simply toys but vehicles of learning. My curiosity about physics had evoked endless "whys" in my mind and had driven me along in search for answers.
I frequently updated myself with the latest knowledge about science to fulfil my curiosity. It was eye-opening to learn about every wonder created by engineers. From ASIMO robots that could clean my house to hydrogen vehicles that are environmentally friendly to WowWee Robotics RoboPets that have been children's companions, the way these wonders benefited the society truly enthralled me. As I believed that knowledge shines brighter when used for the sake of the society, I set my goal to contribute as a mechanical engineer.
As an engineer, I would constantly research and learn, in hopes to improve human living standard especially in the medical field by creating medical robots like BRIGIT which is used in orthopaedic surgery. I want to specialize in the area of robotics, not only for my interest, but also because I see the prospects in this field. As humans' ability to handle tasks is limited, robots that work with a higher efficiency can help supplement the human force. I want to help maintain human health, not as a doctor but as an engineer who can help in surgery by developing more efficient surgery equipments to increase the chances for a successful operation.
Being in an excellent academic environment of UIUC, I will continue feeding my curiosity with knowledge. Equipping myself with the knowledge and experience I gain from UIUC, I will definitely be a legend who creates wonders for the world.
Please help me with this essay. Are the supporting details specific and strong enough? I'm especially afraid that my essay would seem generic. And also please help me with my grammar, essay structure etc. Thanks!
This is generic: "As I grew up, many questions for which I sought the answer were answered, yet many more were generated. This encouraged me to learn even more. I frequently updated myself with the latest knowledge about science. It was eye-opening to learn about every wonder that were created by engineers." You could delete most if not all of this without significantly harming your essay.
Same with this: "As I believed that knowledge shines when it is used for the sake of other people, I hope one day I could contribute my knowledge and be influential too."
And this: "As an engineer, I would constantly research and learn, in hopes to improve human living standard."
And this: "I foresee myself devoting efforts to different engineering projects and creating beneficial products for people. I am prepared to excel at any endeavour to achieve my goal. Evolving under the wings of UIUC, I expect developing and learning from my experience in college. I will definitely be a legend that creates wonders for the world."
So, really, a large percentage of your essay is, as you feared, generic and bland. So, replace the parts I've mentioned with more specific details, details that are unique to you. How do you personally want to contribute? How would you personally excel? What projects, beyond the one you mention, would you personally be interested in? And so on.
This is great, but you need to add to that last part, about the great things about the school. get specific, and name resources, programs, faculty members, etc. you only need to add a few sentences.
Also, it will be good if you can find a way, in the last paragraph, to refer back to something you said in the first paragraph.
Good luck!!!!!
I have edited my essay again. This time I tried to make change on my last paragraph based on your comment. But due to the word limit I could not elaborate as much as you suggested. Besides that, I have also edited my 3rd paragraph (I feel I overdid it to write environment and medic in one paragraph, so I just stick to medic now). Please comment.
Hey, this looks great! I think it will make a good impression.
