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'24-hour trip from America to Syria' someone who impacted my life


naseemalammar 4 / 6  
Nov 26, 2011   #1
Can someone please revise my essay?
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
The assignment is to write an essay about someone that has impacted your life and explain why and how this person is important to you.

Thank you!

"We are finally here!" I thought as my family and I stepped out of the airport. We had just finished our 24-hour trip from America to Syria. I could smell fresh Kabab in the air. My mom bought me one; I had the biggest smile on my face when I bit into the delicious Middle Eastern cuisine. We went into a taxi. One hour later, I was reunited with the most important person of my life: my grandmother.

I ran up to my grandmother to hug her! "Hey! How have you been?" "I've been great. What about you?" While we were filling each other in on our lives, I suddenly heard glass shattering. I ran out to see what it was, and it was my new iPhone on the floor broken. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I was playing with it, and I accidentally dropped it." I picked up my phone to see if somehow it wasn't broken, but unfortunately it was. "Noor! I'm going to kill you!" I shouted. "What's going on!" shouted my grandmother. "She broke my new phone! I hate my life!" I shouted. My grandmother chuckled. "Why are you laughing? It's not funny!" "American first world problems" she whispered as she shook her head. "Huh?"

This is when my grandmother explained to me how pathetic our problems of this generation are. "You know what my problems were when I was your age? Did I have enough food to survive? Where can I get money to buy food and water? Will the military bomb my city tomorrow? Is this small pox going to kill me? Is childbirth going to kill me?" The list went on and on. "When I was your age, my biggest fear was if I would live to see another day. You should be thankful for the life you have." This is one of the many valuable lessons my grandmother has taught me.

A couple of weeks later, my grandmother and I were talking about my future. I told my grandmother how I wanted to be a doctor, but also that I wasn't sure if I would get into medical school. I remember she said, "if you really want to be a doctor, you'll become a doctor. You can do anything you set your heart to. Never give up on your dreams and say "I'm not good enough." You are good enough. Trust me. You can do anything you want to do." With these words, my grandmother has convinced me that I really can do anything I want to do, as long as I try my best. Every time I feel like I'm not good enough, these inspirational words brighten my day. I still use this piece of advice today.

My grandmother has always been there for me. She has always held out a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. She has stayed by my side through thick and thin, and she has always offered me very good advice. My grandmother has helped shaped who I am today. With her support and advice, my grandmother has truly made a significant impact on my life.
kathyxtrieu /  
Nov 26, 2011   #2
"Hey! How have you been?" "I've been great. What about you?"

Can be removed.

'I'm not good enough'

I still use this piece of advice today.

Can be removed as well.

I love the story, but there are too many sentences that began with "I". Your sentences can be improved if you are more detailed or if you combine them (there are too many simple sentences). Using a variety of sentences shows that you learned something in high school. There is also a lot of dialogue. Though dialogue makes a story a bit more interesting, it is too heavy in an essay of this length. Maybe you can describe the situations rather than just telling them.

I hope this helps!
yonman 6 / 47  
Nov 26, 2011   #3
First off, its not recommended you start your essay with a quote, unless you have a legitimate reason to do so.

I also would have to agree with the above poster to make your sentence structure longer so it flows better. Use commas instead of so many periods.

Make more information on your quotes. Generally speaking you should have one sentence introducing the quote and then 2-3 sentences explaining the significance.

Good luck!

I hope these tips will serve you well.


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