At this point, grammar is not really important. My teacher will check that soon. I just hope you guys can give me comment based on the CONTENT of my essay. Please be as harsh as possible. Thank you!
There was silence in the car. My friend looked at me curiously. I looked her back but remain silent. My mother asked me to tell my friend what happened, why could not we go back to Hong Kong during summer. I opened my mouth and muted. I tried to say something, but nothing came out because even myself could not accept the fact that my mother had cancer.
When I was in Hong Kong, I was a princess, living in my munificent castle in my fancy world. My mother did everything for me; I had nothing to worry. I got whatever I wanted; I did not meet many adversities. Before I came to the United States, I was hoping for better life, getting into a good college, but reality was totally different from my dream. After the day I knew my mother had cancer, my world started to collapse. The castle in my imagination was reduced to rubbles. All those rubbles were resting on me, so heavy that I could not breathe. I looked at my mother's pallid face, the books on my desk, and the dishes in the sink. My mother's hair started to fall off and she looked sad everyday. I couldn't mange all the responsibilities and stresses, so I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
That was the time when I heard the song "Stronger", which gave me hope and courage to stand up. I heard a little voice in me, telling me what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I started to see a dim light in the darkness. I crawled out from the rubbles and realized they were made of immaturity and dependence. My mother was the buttress of my world; without her support, it could not stand by itself, and that was why it collapsed. After being protected for seventeen years, I wanted to take care of her. My mother had been striving hard for me; I wanted to be her candle to guide her through the distressing road of cancer.
In order not to make my mother worried about me, I took good care of myself and studied hard. I shared my everyday life with my mother and hugging her whenever I saw her, hoping my affection and care could give her strength to overcome cancer. Looking at her exhausted face every time after chemotherapy, I felt painful. But combing her newborn hair, I see hope. There is nothing to be afraid if we are going through it together.
All those moments I spent with my mother, made me love her more than I ever did. She is more than my mother; she is my best friend. I now look at my castle. It is not as fancy as the one before, but it is more rigid. It is made of new materials: endurance and bravery. I am not a princess anymore, but a builder. I can build the strongest castle in the world to protect myself and my loved one.
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it's very well written. But, the only issue is that you don't provide the prompt as to see whether what you wrote is in line with it. However, you have demostrated your transformation from a dependent girl to a strong personality very impressively. I particularly find the following sentences strengthen your essay a lot;
I crawled out from the rubbles and realized they were made of immaturity and dependence.
Looking at her exhausted face every time after chemotherapy, I felt painful. But combing her newborn hair, I see hope.
Only this sentence is not so clear to me and I'd suggest you to re-phrase;
I heard a little voice in me, telling me what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
dumi
Thank you for your comment :) That's for common app, so there is no prompt for my essay. The only thing that I am worrying about is my use of metaphor. I heard that people don't usually suggest to use metaphor in college essay. I really hope it works for the college that I am applying. Do you think my metaphor is too predictable or ambiguous? Thank you!
Can someone please read my essay!!! I really need help! I love my essay but I am uncertain with my use of metaphor! Can someone please help?
I really liked it. The part where you talk about the song feels a bit lost in the essay, though. But overall, it is great, personal and insightful.
please help me with my NYU Supplement!
brazilian01
Thank you! I will find ways to improve that part. Do you think my metaphor is fine :/?
Yes, I do, I think it fits into the essay.
Your metaphor doesn't seem lost to me. It's quite touching, due to the sensitive nature of your essay.
Would you mind checking out mine?
brazilian01
Sure! I will go check it later! Thanks for helping me! Last question. Do you think my metaphor enhance my essay?
Yes, I did. Again, due to the sensitive nature of the essay, the metaphor gave it a heartwarming touch.
