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My high school career is drawing to an end - UF Admissions Essay


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Here is my essay, I'm not so sure that it's good enough which is why I need your help. I'm open to any suggestions so feel free to critique it or suggest changes in anything from grammar to the all over ideas. Your help is greatly appreciated! [:


"Now that my high school career is drawing to an end, I look back and realize that I've somehow managed to become the person I've always wanted to be. Through the years my greatest achievements have not been tangible items but lessons I've learned through involvement. Of everything I have achieved, my willingness to take a stand for what I believe in, maintaining over a 4.0 GPA, and my dedication to my extracurricular activities outshine the rest. It takes all this and more to make a real contribution to the UF campus.

Of all the things you'll have to go through in a lifetime, your high school years are a critical time that can make or break you as a person. There are countless eyewitnesses to great minds falling at the feet of peer pressure and the immoral behavior associated with it. Your ability to form your own opinions and stand by them will make you a highly regarded individual as well as more presentable to the public. It takes courage to be a leader; sometimes staying firm in your beliefs can be hard but I've learned that by taking responsibility for my actions and dealing with the consequences, I've matured as a person. With that in mind, I strive harder to make myself better, growing more and more every day.

One of the biggest responsibilities I took on is juggling the work load of AP and honors classes throughout the past four years. Not just anyone can maintain over a 4.0, it takes work ethic, dedication, and organization to coordinate projects with deadlines and class work with study times. The reality of it is, you have to want it, and want it more than your colleagues. People who aren't willing to put in the time are only selling themselves short of possibly the most beneficial tool in their life, an education. My concentration on my grades have made me a standout in a class of over four hundred and it is nothing but sheer enjoyment to be able to help a classmate whenever I can; the enormous sense of pride felt when you're able to help another succeed makes the effort you put into it worth the while.

My ability to balance work and play have also made me an integral part of clubs, organizations, and sports teams. I have been engaged this year more than ever and I love it! You can find me all over the campus during the week, from conditioning at practice, to cheering at Friday night football games, to snapping photos for the Yearbook Staff. I believe being a part of something helps you develop as a person and you'll ultimately be better equipped to take on life in the real world. Involvement has taught me that cooperation and teamwork are key factors in personal success, because nine times out of ten, you can't do it alone.

While watching the Florida vs. Miami game, the camera travels across the intense wave of orange and blue, and I wonder, what's it like to be a part of that? How amazing can it possibly be to call yourself one in a million of the great Gator Nation? The only way to find out is to experience it, and I would love nothing more than to have that opportunity. Over the years, I have developed what it takes to represent the colors of a true Florida Gator, strong morals, diligence, and an everlasting enthusiasm to succeed."

Good evening.

Because you did not post the prompt for this essay, I am able to edit for grammar and mechanics only:

"Now that my high school career is drawing to an end, I look back and realize that I've somehow managed to become the person I've always wanted to be. (Watch your use of casual contractions in formal academic writing such as this; they are inappropriate.) Through the years my greatest achievements have not been tangible items but lessons I've learned through involvement. Of everything I have achieved, my willingness to take a stand for what I believe in, maintaining over a 4.0 GPA, and my dedication to my extracurricular activities outshine the rest. It takes all this and more to make a real contribution to the UF campus.

Of all the things you'll have to go through in a lifetime, your high school years are a critical time that can make or break you as a person. (Watch the use of the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing. It is inappropriate and may even offend some readers. Try using "I" or "one" instead.) There are countless eyewitnesses to great minds falling at the feet of peer pressure and the immoral behavior associated with it. (Such as? You allude that there are countless examples, yet do not provide a single one.) Your ability to form your own opinions and stand by them will make you a highly regarded individual as well as more presentable to the public. It takes courage to be a leader; sometimes staying firm in your beliefs can be hard but I've learned that by taking responsibility for my actions and dealing with the consequences, I've matured as a person. With that in mind, I strive harder to make myself better, growing more and more every day.

One of the biggest responsibilities I took on is juggling the work load of AP and honors classes throughout the past four years. Not just anyone can maintain over a 4.0, it takes a strong work ethic, dedication, and organization to coordinate projects with deadlines and class work with study times. The reality of it is, you have to want it, and want it more than your colleagues. People who aren't willing to put in the time are only selling themselves short of possibly the most beneficial tool in their life'; an education. My concentration on my grades has made me a standout in a class of over four hundred and it is nothing but sheer enjoyment to be able to help a classmate whenever I can; the enormous sense of pride felt when you're able to help another succeed makes the effort you put into it worth the while.

My ability to balance work and play has also made me an integral part of clubs, organizations, and sports teams. I have been engaged this year more than ever and I love it! You can find me all over the campus during the week, from conditioning at practice, to cheering at Friday night football games, to snapping photos for the Yearbook Staff (This should not be capitalized.) . I believe being a part of something helps you develop as a person and you'll ultimately be better equipped to take on life in the real world. Involvement has taught me that cooperation and teamwork are key factors in personal success, because nine times out of ten, you can't do it alone.

While watching the Florida vs. Miami game, the camera travels across the intense wave of orange and blue, and I wonder, "What's it like to be a part of that? How amazing can it possibly be to call yourself one in a million of the great Gator Nation?" The only way to find out is to experience it, and I would love nothing more than to have that opportunity. Over the years, I have developed what it takes to represent the colors of a true Florida Gator: strong morals, diligence, and an everlasting enthusiasm to succeed."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you!

Here's the prompt... mind re-evaluating? I'm sorry if I'm being difficult. I appreciate your help so much, it takes some stress away from the whole application process.



"Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school. "



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