I would appreciate feedback on
1) the flow of the paragraphs in terms of how smoothly one flows to the next
2) the actual content- I tried to write specific things I do that show I am unique and thoughtful and not just copy/pasting essays
3) the tone- too informal or usage of strong words?
Virtually all of our undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -- and us -- know you better. (250 word limit.)
Hi Jo-Jo,
My name is Jim. I'm excited to be your roommate! So first things first, peanut butter. I love it. It goes on everything. I live to eat, so I hope to exchange food and traditions from our two cultures. But on top of pigging out and studying hard, I think it'll be important to develop a sense of humor amongst ourselves to enjoy the first year experience.
You see, ever since I became obsessed with Harry Potter and won his autograph from a reading contest, I've been intrigued with celebrities. So, sometimes I like to pick a Hollywood star at random and watch his interviews. Yes, laugh at me, but then tell me, who doesn't get a kick out of watching Jimmy Fallon arm wrestling Jack Nicholson?
On a more serious note, California has much to offer, and being youngsters, I really hope you'll join me to visit the Industrial Park, bike through University Avenue, embrace the beauty of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Pacific Coast, and take in every other golden opportunity presented.
So as we begin a new friendship and chapter of our lives, I'd really just like to end by saying that I don't really know how I feel about those guys who suck up to important people through really eloquent words and usage of existential quotes that sum up the paragon of wisdom that is their physics professor. Oh, and I'm from the Midwest, so I call it soda.
See you soon!
Jim
Hi!
First, Thanks again for helping me with my essay...
Comments:
I think this is absolutely hilarious, you really did follow directions by telling more about yourself!
"So as we begin a new friendship and chapter of our lives, I'd really just like to end by saying that I don't really know how I feel about those guys who suck up to important people through really eloquent words and usage of existential quotes that sum up the paragon of wisdom that is their physics professor."
That statement really confused me, and I kind of feel lost and don't know how to feel because I can't really pick up what you mean by it.
The beginning of your essay about food really delivers your personality and how cultural you are and that you are comfortable experiencing other people's culture.
"You see, ever since I became obsessed with Harry Potter and won his autograph from a reading contest, I've been intrigued with celebrities. So, sometimes I like to pick a Hollywood star at random and watch his interviews. Yes, laugh at me, but then tell me, who doesn't get a kick out of watching Jimmy Fallon arm wrestling Jack Nicholson? "
Also before starting the above paragraph try to use a smoother transition it starts kind of rough considering you were just talking about food.
Overall this is a really good piece. I hope we both get accepted into Stanford and can hangout(:
Thanks again for help on my paper!
