Hey!
I would be very grateful if you could read my Common Application essay.
I am from Belarus and English is not my first language, so please point out all grammatical errors you see.
The prompt:
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
My grandmother is extremely afraid of change, of anything that is not normal. For her, the perfect world is the world of clemency and serenity. I love her for that, I love her for her ability to enjoy everything that is ordinary. But I am different, I always strive for something. I remember the first time I greatly surprised her. It was when I decided to apply to Gymnasium #1, the best school in my city. She was worried, she did not understand why we would want to change anything. She claimed that it would ruin me. It did not. Then there was a moment when I had to tell her that I am going to Moscow to take part in a programming contest. This time she claimed that this country is insane, that it is filled with rude drunkards and with immigrants from Kazakhstan. Well, I had no problems there. Again, she was worried when I told her I was going to Poland, and when she learned that I box. I love my grandma, and always I try my best to calm her down. Until now, I was successful. Now she is worried about me, no matter how hard I try to persuade her that I am going to be fine.
Someday this summer, my parents and I came over to my grandmother to see how she is doing. Our happy family were contentedly devouring pancakes, when I remembered I had something important to say. I guess it was like a thunder out of a clear sky for my grandmother.
"Hey, grandma, I've got something to tell you."
"Oh God, what is it again?"
"To make a long story short, I'm going to apply to US universities."
She stopped dead. She was intently staring at me, probably expecting that I would say it was a joke. When she finally realized I was serious, she barely could say anything. She said I was insane. As explained her the details, her disapproval of the idea only grew more determined. "It's a huge waste of money!", "What do you know of this civilization over the ocean? Nothing!", "We need you here, we will miss you terribly, if you happen to get accepted." Not only is my grandma sceptical about this idea, but also my peers. For them, only rich kids can study in the US or in the UK. For them, the idea of spending amount of money that parents earn in a month on taking tests and sending applications is ridiculous. Only my parents and a few of my best friends support me. I am openly challenging the common belief that no ordinary mortal from Belarus can study in the US.
However, some part of me is still clamoring the same arguments that my grandmother used as I am typing this sentence. Of course, there is also another part, the part that believes that I can do it, that I must take the opportunity, that it is worth it, no matter how insane it sounds. Fortunately for me, the believer part is stronger. This part enables me to stand against all doubts and take the chance. I believe in future, and I am certain that even if I fail, I will not regret spending so much money to apply and if given an opportunity to choose again, I will do the same thing again.
Even if I fail, I have already acquired a lot in the process. I got to know some great people when I was taking the SAT tests in Warsaw. Some of them are truly brilliant and ambitious minds who already working at research projects at universities. Apart from finding new friends, I also greatly improved my English skills. Preparing an application is certainly a valuable experience, and my TOEFL results can be used in myriads of ways.
Ok, the first problem with your essay is not the grammar, but the response that you wrote to the prompt. You should have chosen to write about just one single time when you challenged your grandmother's inability to change and then related the outcome of that situation. In this particular essay, you recounted quite a number of times you may have challenged her mindset and yet failed to show us an effective outcome of the event from your perspective. Simply saying she was worried about nothing, or that you did not meet any difficulties when she said you would is not the same as challenging her belief or idea. Neither does it show why you felt compelled to challenge her belief and whether you would make the same decision again.
You cannot use your story about applying to U.S. universities for this prompt because that is still an ongoing activity for you and hence, has no resolution yet. You cannot say you have succeeded despite her mindset, nor can you say that you will make the same decision again if placed in the same scenario because the scenario has not completely played itself out yet.
I suggest that you choose one of the stories you told about challenging the mindset of your grandmother. Maybe the one about boxing that you did not finish. Expand upon her worries and her mindset and then tell us how it played out for you and if you would make the same decision if you had to do that scenario over again in the future.
After you revise your essay to properly address the prompt requirements, we will be able to concentrate on cleaning up the grammatical and sentence structure problems of the essay. Don't worry about the word count for now, go ahead and write more than 650 words. We can revise and edit the essay to meet the word count as soon as the theme has been properly established in the essay :-)
