I'm a junior in high school, and working on the common apps essay that i'll submit next year. I just want some feedback on whether my topic is good or not, and whether I have grammar and wording issues. I haven't come up with an effective conclusion either, so I'd appreciate it if someone would help me with that too.
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Ibrahim Yucel
Composition 3: Period 5/6
Mooney
January 10, 2009
Two years ago, I was the archetypal high school student; I studied just enough to get by with an A in most classes, and I showed enough affectation to get out of trouble when I needed to. When I look back at those days, I regret my general immaturity and laziness. However, my greatest moment of disappointment is the way I treated Mrs. Lott. She was the new honors chemistry teacher in my school, and therefore was somewhat inexperienced as an educator. My classmates and I quickly found out that we could get away with a lot in her class.
Frequently, we engaged in name calling, talking without taking turns, throwing objects across the room, and performing other immature acts typical of undisciplined middle school kids. During chemistry labs, my friends and I would often mix chemicals with no regard to safety guidelines imposed by our teacher. Probably the most distasteful act we carried out was spreading false rumors to other students about her incompetence; now the whole student body thought that she was a 'bad teacher.'
Nevertheless, I took the academic portion of the class seriously, and was one of the few that passed the course with a high A. Soon school was over and the refreshing season of summer had begun. I forgot all about my disrespect and contempt towards Mrs. Lott.
Over the summer, my father was teaching a formal course to post-college students on tele-communications. He invited me to attend one session and I reluctantly accepted. When I arrived that Monday afternoon, I observed that the other students were well dressed and all of them appeared to be prepared. "How can someone like me, who doesn't take education seriously, fit in with these students?" I asked myself. However, I quickly realized that this was not the case.
Before long, my father was ready to begin his lecture and courteously asked for silence. However, only a few seemed to heed his command. Many continued to chat amongst themselves; some checking emails on their laptops, while others were still loitering in the hall. After what seemed like five minutes of utter chaos, my father finally started to speak. Even then, some students decided not to listen to him. I was sitting next to one such student; he will be referred herein simply as 'Joe.'
Joe did not appear to pay attention at all during the lecture, and often made rude comments at my father. He seemed to be popular amongst the class and many of the other students applauded his childishness. Normally I would not mind at all, but his behavior towards my father bothered me. Soon enough, the first half of the seminar ended, and we were allowed to have a 5-minute break outside the classroom. When Joe was just out of earshot, he made many vulgar remarks about the teacher, particularly about his "inability to teach." Obviously, Joe did not know that I was the teacher's son; nevertheless, I did not want to challenge his remark.
After the break, disrespect and arrogance persisted. I was shocked and disgusted at the blatantly rude, yet surreptitious behavior of these students, most of whom were in their late 20's or early 30's. Moreover, I learned that most of them were graduates of prestigious universities such as Carnegie Mellon and Duke. They had no excuse to disrespect a teacher or anyone for that matter.
As the three-hour lecture continued, I had to endure Joe's belligerent, yet muffled mockery. What bothered me more was that many of the other students supported his acrimony. On the other hand, I thought that my father was enthusiastic and did a great job; his ardor for teaching was apparent in his lecture. Evidently, his students did not appreciate it. Their insolence did not seem to bother my father as he taught, but I knew that, deep down, he was very morose. As my father and I were driving back home, he asked me if I enjoyed his lecture. I said I did not want to answer.
However, the story does not end there. Over the next few days, I began to contemplate the experience. Joe and his peers did not necessarily have a reason to disrespect my father, but they did because they could; my father did not try to stop them so they presumed that their conduct was acceptable. The more I thought over the issue, the more I realized that Joe was almost an exact imitation of me.
My behavior towards Mrs. Lott was similar to Joe's behavior towards my father. Our immaturity was not met by discipline, so we both thought that it was acceptable. Mrs. Lott probably felt the same way as my father felt; they were both upset and disappointed at the behavior of their students. At once, I felt penitent for my shameful behavior. By observing Joe's childish behavior towards his teacher, I realized that I too was immature and disrespectful.
Gradually, I began to assess my flaws. I realized that peer pressure from other classmates was the main motive for my disrespect towards Mrs. Lott. In search of a personal solution to my problem, I began to read extensively on the subject, and decided to sign up for Tae-Kwon-Do, a martial art strictly based on discipline and respect. Additionally I read many articles that had helpful information on discipline and respect. By the time summer was over and the new school year started, I was a changed man.
I look up to many people for advice and encouragement. My family is definitely at the top of the list because I have been with them the longest. Some teachers and friends are also great role models; people that I look up to for support. However, 'Joe' was different; he was neither a positive leader nor a role model. He did not directly convince me to change, as a teacher or coach would have....
I will work on an effective conclusion over the next few weeks.
Overall, this is a really strong essay. You are relating a very specific incident using solid narrative technique. The weakest point in your essay is probably your transition from the incident with Joe to your reflection on the incident:
"As my father and I were driving back home, he asked me if I enjoyed his lecture. I said I did not want to answer.
However, the story does not end there. Over the next few days, I began to contemplate the experience. . . ."
This part doesn't flow as smoothly as the rest. Also, your initial reflections essentially tell the reader the obvious -- you could see yourself in Joe, and so felt bad for doing to your teacher what Joe had done to your father. Perhaps you could go a bit deeper, and talk about how what the incident with Joe really did for you was to humanize your teacher. Before, you saw the teacher as just that, a teacher, an abstract authority figure whose main role in your life was to make you miserable by assigning you tests and homework and by trying to keep you from relaxing and having fun in class. Because of this, you had no trouble viewing her as an adversary to be undermined and mocked. However, when you saw your father being treated in the same way, and thought about how he felt, you began to think of your teacher as a human being, a person with feelings to whom you owed certain moral obligations . . . and so on. This could lead to a reflection on the nature of morality, which could lead to an interesting conclusion.
This first part seems a little contrived because you describe yourself as typical (archetypal) but then say you got A's. Also, two yearrs is not enough time to "look back on those days." The reader might scoff at it, even though it really seems to come from the heart. Also, "archetypal" is confusing. I like it, but how about changing a little:
Two years ago, I was a typical high school student, but now I have gained important insight and motivation. I used to study just enough to get score well in my classes, and I showed enough affectation to get out of trouble when necessary , but I did not have real passion for the process of learning. When I look back at those days, I regret ...
Those are just ideas. The essay is very good!!
What word count limits do you have? You say you've been trying to cut it down, so I assume that you have to be under a certain amount, but I don't know what that limit is.
Beyond that, the essay is honest and thoughtful. I worry it may put you in a bit too much of a negative light, though. For instance, you conclude taht
I realized that I have a moral obligation to respect all people, whether they are teachers, family, or friends.
But these are people you are
supposed to respect, something you must have already known rationally, even if you didn't understand the truth emotionally. If you were talking about how you learned how you had to respect even people you disagreed with, or people from different cultures, or some other group of people that one might be inclined to identify as "other," then you'd be on solid ground. But learning that you should respect the people you care about and those who have direct authority over you seems less impressive.
This essay flows really well, and the structure and use of a large vocabulary is great. Like Sean said, the only minor issue is that the first couple of paragraphs might make you sound like a nuisance, though by the end of the essay it shows how you have become a changed man.
Another minor aspect that you might want to change is the use of the word immature in the first two paragraphs. I would suggest to change one of them to another word just to show more variety, and so it doesn't look like you're repeating yourself.
Other than that, this essay is really well written!
;)
