The prompt is: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
It is limited to 2500 characters. I just do not feel as if my essay is strong enough but I cannot pinpoint why. Any critiques are welcome (and needed)! By the way, my issue that I am doing is personal but of national concern. I am trying to focus on the effect of airbrushing in the media and ads and its negative effects on teenage girls. I feel as if my essay perhaps is not personal enough?
Though many are aware that the heavy use of photoshopped images can cause serious emotional, mental, and physical health issues, Americans have accepted airbrushed images as an inherent form of artistic expression. But with the negative effect that these falsities are having on our nation's youth, it is essential that we no longer turn our heads in the other direction.
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I think you have a lot of good information my suggestion would be to open you essay talking about an image in a magazine, describe how pretty this girl is and her perfect body and then lead into how deceiving the image really is and the negative personal story you have you facts. Just a suggestion but I think this would create a more powerful essay.
Thank you so much for your input! I agree with your idea. It definitely is something that I think would improve my essay.
I was thinking that perhaps rearranging the paragraphs strengthens my essay?
20% of teenage girls have experienced an eating disorder. This is merely one statistic among millions, but as a sixteen-year-old high school female, this statistic is a fact of reality that I have experienced firsthand. For my best friend, bulimia was a method to achieve the physique of the models on the magazine covers. Elle, Vogue, and Victoria's Secret Catalogs: these were her sources of thinspiration. These publications' deceptive images of seemingly perfect, tall, stretch mark-free, and impossibly thin women were essential to the success of her disorder. When she no longer felt the willpower to throw up after eating lunch, she would simply flip through these magazines for motivation. Knowing that her disorder had been sparked by these digital manipulations convinced me of the damaging effects of the widespread use of photoshopped images of models.
Though many are aware that the heavy use of photoshopped images can cause serious emotional, mental, and physical health issues, it alarms me that Americans have accepted airbrushed images as an inherent form of artistic expression. With the negative effects that these falsities are generating on our nation's youth, it is essential that we no longer turn our heads in the other direction. The heavy prevalence of unrealistically photoshopped portrayals of females on television and in fashion magazines has caused teenage girls to aspire to attain these unachievable standards of idealized beauty. Eating disorders, depression, a low self-esteem, and a poor body image are the life-threatening side effects of this quest for the unattainable. Many suffer from these side effects as a result of the unconscious messages, as did my friend.
Not only has my friend fallen into the trap set by these artificial images, but so have I. Though I pride myself in being strong minded, if I do not remind myself that these images are lies, I find myself wishing that I possessed the long legs or flawless skin of the model on the catalog cover. This is not unique to my best friend and I. Enthusiastic conversations about calorie counting, thigh gaps, and diet pills are common amongst girls at my high school. As a teenage girl, it is hard to not unconsciously aspire to look like the idealized women in magazines. 99% of fashion magazines and ads are retouched, and only when this ceases to be the case will weight and appearance cease to be teenage girls' number one priority.
That is much better! Sounds really good only thing I would say is are you sure the 99% thing is true?
Thanks! That's a relief. And in regards to the "99%", I read that stat online but I couldn't find the source so I decided to take it out and replace it with the words "virtually all".
