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"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort"


Burki 3 / 6  
Jan 18, 2015   #1
Prompt:
"People who like to think of themselves as tough-minded and realistic tend to take it for granted that human nature is "selfish" and that life is a struggle in which only the fittest may survive. According to this view, the basic law by which people must live is the law of the jungle. The "fittest" are those people who can bring to the struggle superior force, superior cunning, and superior ruthlessness."

Adapted from S.I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action

Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Essay:
"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort."
Some people believe that competition is a good source of motivation. The threat of competition is what keeps you moving towards your goal. However, I believe that although competition helps a person stay focused, it is not the only factor contributing to success. Sometimes being highly competitive can take your mind off the original aim you set out with.

Once my cousin opened up a business that catered to the needs of the handicapped. It had always been his dream to help improve the lives of those who can't help themselves. He sold clothes and traveling equipment especially made for those with disabilities. His work was very much appreciated but it attracted competitors into the market due to the profits he was earning. To compete with the new firms my cousin introduced new pricing strategies and reduced quality control to make up for the lost profits. However, he soon realized that this competition had made him lose focus on his actual dream. Caught up in all the 'being better than the rest', made him lose focus and he ended up making his customers suffer, who were the real reason behind his business.

Competition can help us achieve more if we stay focused on our goal, if we use competition as a tool to success rather than our aim. During exams my friend and I test ourselves to see who gets a better grade, this helps us practice and learn from each other, where we make a mistake. The desire to do better than our friend is what keeps us trying harder but our main focus is our exam.

There are many tools to success; motivation, talent and hard work being a few of them. We cannot say that we will succeed only through competition. If someone applies for a job he is not trained to do, no amount of competition, motivation or hard work will get him the job. In certain situations such as scientific research, you cannot use competition to motivate you. In such circumstances you may need teamwork rather than people to compete with to achieve success in a field.

"Success doesn't come to you, you go to it"
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 18, 2015   #2
Your last paragraph is actually the most compelling and effective argument that you have for your stand on the essay prompt. I would suggest that you reconsider the position of that paragraph, placing it at the beginning of the essay instead in order to catch the reader's attention immediately. The examples that you used in the essay, specifically the one about your cousin is a wee bit under developed as you did not complete the story, did he eventually succeed in the highly competitive world of retail after he had his awakening? The story is incomplete and therefore, cannot truly support the claims you are making in your statement. The friendly competition between you and your friend regarding your exams works well though. I just wished it had been further developed in order to reflect the way that this competition has driven you to continuously succeed. Don't go talking about the aim of competition in this essay because the prompt is directing you to only talk about whether a person needs to be highly competitive in order to succeed. When you talk of competition taking your mind off your main goal, you end up deviating from the prompt requirement. You need to steer the essay back on track, to focus solely on the question of whether being competitive results in the success of a person.
kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 18, 2015   #3
In my perspective, this essay seems rather dull. There's no color or clear details. The flow is okay, and grammar wise, I don't think there are any flaws, but all I see is black and white. 'My cousin did this',,, 'This happened,,,' I think its too simple. Perhaps a bit more use of adjectives might help.
OP Burki 3 / 6  
Jan 19, 2015   #4
Okay thanks i will keep this in mind next time. :D


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